TV FUTBOL FLING; WILL U.S. AUDIENCE GET KICK FROM KICKBALLCASTS?

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH The Media

Thirty seven billion people will watch some or all of the 1998 World Cup tournament on television starting next week, we're told.

A decimal of a fraction of a milli-percent divided by pi of those will be residents of the United States, we suspect.

Unless they change the name of this thing to the ``3rd Rock From The Sun Cup,'' this wonderful cultural sporting event that almost shuts down the economy in most countries for a month - sorry, Nike - will continue to bounce off satellite dishes and right past the summer reruns on U.S. distribution services.

Sad but true? Well, probably. This event better suited for the Discovery Channel instead of the Disney sports-media conglomerate - more specifically, ABC and ESPN - is something that should take place the same year as our presidential elections. That way the apathy could be measured simultaneously.

Then why is ABC and ESPN committed to becoming the first U.S. broadcaster to televise all 64 World Cup games liiiiiiive? Not because it'll be a ratings success. Because it won't be, particularly by Nielsen standards, whatever those have become.

It's more cache than cash flow, which is sort of refreshing. And sort of, but not really, why Fox and CBS (and ABC) thought it was important to pay billions to the NFL - the other big-deal sport known as football - to shows its games. And why NBC decided it didn't want to commit what it called financial suicide just to have those bragging rights.

For the kickball fans in the U.S., what could be better than all 64 matches as they're played in France, a nine-hour time difference from our West Coast?

A three-pronged attack by ABC (which among its 14 games will be all the U.S. action starting with games June 15, 21 and 25 plus the final rounds), ESPN (27 games) and ESPN2 (23 games, plus nightly replays of the game of the day) account for most of the 230 hours of programming. The circus starts with the Brazil-Scotland round-robin game Wednesday (8 a.m., ESPN).

Disney's hope is that the viewers support sponsors who've again agreed not to cut into any live action with those American-pleasing art forms known as commercials.

``It's really not so much about ratings,'' admits David Downs, ABC's senior VP for network operations and development who put the U.S. TV deal together for his networks. ``We're not going to slickly package it. But we can draw in viewers, especially a lot of the people who learned to appreciate the game in '94 (when World Cup was played in the U.S. for the first time), if only to appreciate it for the drama of who advanced and who didn't. Those people want to come back and we hope this tournament is equally appealing.''

ABC averaged a 5.3 rating for its '94 World Cup coverage (11 games on the main network). Downs points out that's a better number than what ABC got for its most recent 26-game college football season and what NBC did for the recent NBA regular season.

``We have no problem justifying it,'' Downs continued. ``Certainly it's not going to compare to Olympic rating, but we've justified it on financial ratings. We think what we're going to be providing is unadulterated pure sports action. We're giving credit to American sports fan.''

Maybe that's the problem. This event causes some viewers to think beyond their own personal space. Some are prepared, but a bunker mentality might also come in handy if you listen to some explain why this dreadfully dull game is so worth watching.

``People have more passion for this event than any other activity on the planet, with the possible exception of war,'' said Geoffrey Mason, the Cup's executive producer for ABC and ESPN.

Bob Ley, who'll do play-by-play with Seamus Malin on color for all the marquee games, said, ``We overstate the American indifference to the sport. It's there to stay on the landscape. . . . I'd like to think Americans can think outside their own borders.''

In a way, they do. Note those gorditas flying out the drive-through window at Taco Bell. And many Yoshinoyas are open 24 hours a day.

In a country where niche sports and narrowcast viewing are where everything's going, futbol fans have never had it so good. Not even Spanish-language Univision can handle every game live, since there are two games played simultaneously twice a day between June 23-26.

Yo quiero World Cup? You got it.

``By and large, this is two 45-minute halves of nonstop soccer,'' said Downs, ``and you better not go to the bathroom or you're going to miss something.''

Betcha we don't miss anything.

SOUND BYTES

By Tom Hoffarth E-mail: sptmedia(AT_SIGN)aol.com

WHAT SMOKES

Al Michaels' brush with equine greatness. The ABC sportscaster, who'll host Saturday's coverage of the Belmont Stakes (1:30 p.m.), found out recently from trainer Bob Baffert that a horse he once co-owned had maternal bloodlines to Triple Crown candidate Real Quiet. Michaels' horse, Barraq, was a first cousin of Real Quiet, according to Baffert's research. Which means if Michaels still owned the horse, he could make a bundle breeding it. Alas, Barraq, a Gary Jones-trained allowance horse that won four times but was wild and ``had horrible habits,'' according to Michaels, was not only gelded but it went to the big track in the sky outside a vet clinic at UC Davis. Said Michaels: ``We considered pulling a Zachary Taylor and trying to exhume the horse to take some DNA, but. . . .''

The quote from Shaquille O'Neal about Kobe Bryant in a profile about the Lakers' superteen that's crammed into the 1998 Sports Hall of Fame feature of Rolling Stone magazine (June 11 issue, page 103).

WHAT CHOKES

Al Michaels' brush with graceless cameo work. On the season return of the HBO drama series ``Arli$$'' (Sunday, 9:30 p.m.), Michaels makes a guest appearance - again as the cousin of sports agent Arliss Michaels (the irrepressible Robert Wuhl) - and partakes in spreading a rumor about a gay NFL quarterback. Al Davis' people are going to love that.

Near the end of NBC's coverage of the NBA Finals opener between Chicago and Utah, with the score 79-all in the final seconds of regulation, Bob Costas says going into a commercial: ``Anyone got a problem with Game 1?'' Yeah, that you'd taint a nice broadcast with what sounded like a really snotty remark.

NBC announced that analyst/comic relief Bob Uecker won't be part of the network's postseason baseball coverage because of pending back surgery. The real news is that NBC still covers postseason baseball.

WHAT SMOKED ON LOCAL TV

The top 10 Nielsen-rated sports events, with their share, on L.A. television from May 28 to June 3:

Event Date Station Rt/Sh. x

Chicago-Utah Gm. 1 June 3 Ch. 4 20.3/33

Chicago-Indiana Gm. 7 May 31 Ch. 4 19.4/39

Chicago-Indiana Gm. 6 May 29 Ch. 414.3/27

French Open May 31 Ch. 4 3.7/11

Dodgers-Cinc. May 30 Ch. 11 3.1/10

Angels-K.C. June 1 Ch. 9 2.6/5

Soccer: US-Scot. May 30 Ch. 7 2.3/6

Prefontaine track May 31 Ch. 2 2.3/5

Angels-K.C. June 2 Ch. 9 2.3/5

PGA Memorial May 31 Ch. 7 2.0/5

x -Each rating point represents 50,092 TV homes in Los Angeles; the share is the percentage of all the TV sets in use at that time.

CAPTION(S):

2 Boxes

Box: (1) SOUND BYTES (See Text)

(2) WHAT SMOKED ON LOCAL TV (See Text)