TORN BETWEEN FAMILY LOYALTIES.

Byline: Ann Landers 

Dear Ann Landers: You often print letters from "The Other Woman." Well, I'm neither the wife nor the mistress. I'm the adult child.

Mom was a trusting, kind-hearted woman, but she had lousy luck with men. She raised all her children mostly by herself. Her first husband beat her for eight years. Her second husband stole her hard-earned savings and spent it. Her final marriage to "Jimmy" was also a disaster. He was openly unfaithful and left her for another woman.

Jimmy was good to me, and we have always kept in touch. My husband and I both enjoy spending time with him and my mother knows this. She constantly asks questions about him, such as, "How is Jimmy doing? Is he happy? How's his girlfriend?" I find it hard to lie, so I tell her, "He is just fine, and yes, I think he's happy." She then becomes upset and tells me what a rotten husband he was and how he mistreated her, which he certainly did. He left her with no income, a mortgage and four children to raise.

My mother is in counseling to help her get through this, but as of now, she is still very bitter.

Ann, I need advice on how to handle this situation. I don't want to stop seeing my stepfather, but I don't want to hurt my mother either. Please tell me what to do.

- Torn in Indianapolis

Dear Torn: Ask your mother to please leave your stepfather out of all future discussions. If she has a neurotic compulsion to ask about him, simply say, "Mom, that subject is out of bounds." After a while, she'll stop asking.

Meanwhile, encourage her with her counseling, and give her a lot of love. She's had a rough life.

Dear Ann Landers: I'm writing in response to "Fond Memories," who buried her husband with his glasses on. Our 16-year-old daughter passed away seven years ago. She was an animal lover from Day 1. No dolls for her, only stuffed animals. She had a pair of big, fuzzy lion slippers that developed large holes on the bottom from many hours of enjoyable wear. She wouldn't let me throw them away. When she died, we made a decision. We buried her wearing those lion slippers. I'm sure she would have approved.

- V.S., Kirkland, Wash.

Dear V.S.: What a heartwarming story. Not only would your precious daughter have approved, she would have been overjoyed. Thanks for writing.

Dear Ann Landers: Some time ago, you printed a short essay by Haim Ginott, a teacher and psychologist. The essay was about how important a teacher's attitude is. Would you please print it again? I know some teachers who need to see it.

- Florida Fan

Dear Florida: With pleasure. Here it is:

"I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It's my personal approach that creates the climate. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is MY response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or dehumanized."