TO REACH TEEN-AGERS, LEAVE NAGGING BEHIND.

Byline: Melinda Sacks Knight-Ridder Tribune News Wire

When Tom McMahon looks back on his own years as a carefree adolescent, he shudders. Those beer-enhanced car rides, those days without seat belts, those feelings of invulnerability. It's enough to make a dad cringe.

Today, as a professor of counseling and psychology at Ohlone College in Fremont and the father of two daughters ``on the brink of adolescence,'' McMahon has written what may be the definitive book on not only surviving, but relishing and enhancing those tumultuous years of being the parent of an adolescent. ``Teen Tips: A Practical Survival Guide for Parents With Kids 11-19'' (Pocket Books; $12) is McMahon's attempt to spread the word on the best approach to the care and feeding of teen-agers.

To solve what to many is a mystery, McMahon invited parents of healthy, happy teens to share their tips. The resulting paperback is divided into practical sections such as ``Rules and Discipline,'' ``Friendships and Relationships'' and ``Self-Esteem and Values.'' In addition to verbatim quotes from parents, McMahon added skill-building suggestions that parents can apply as desired.

McMahon, 45, spoke from his home in Fremont. He describes his own juggling act as a tenuous balance between teaching, writing and spending time with his family. In the midst of it all, he says, he tries to remember what he has learned from his research.

Q: What's the biggest mistake parents make with teens?

A: The way, when we do talk to them, we lecture and criticize. Teen-agers tell me how most of what they hear is nagging and lecturing from their parents. If we looked back at the last 24 hours, 90 percent of our comments would be negative: ``Are you going to live in that pigsty? Are you really going to wear that? You want to get a tattoo?''

One strategy is to talk about strengths instead of weaknesses. Instead of saying what a pigsty the room is, notice the first time they do a little picking up and say, ``Wow, that's great.'' We forget to catch them being good. And often we start a conversation in an accusing way. The minute we do that, the conversation is over as far as the teen-ager is concerned.

Q: Then what is a good way to talk to a teen?

A: If there is a problem, timing is everything. If you see your child walk in the door after school and it is obvious they've had a bad day, that is not the time to start trying to talk about what's bothering you. It's like all interpersonal relationships.

A number of parents told me the best talks they had were during car time, on the way somewhere. It can be very productive time. That's when children will ask their parents about sexuality or about drugs. I think one reason they'll talk about sensitive things in the car is they don't have to sit looking at you eye to eye. The No. 2 time is bedtime. But the big message is to take advantage of the times when your teen-ager wants to talk. It can't be scheduled by when it's convenient for you.

Q: What is the biggest parental misconception about adolescents?

A: Parents think their teen-ager doesn't need them anymore once they hit early adolescence, because they just want to be with their friends. It's true, kids at that age are doing what they need to do to form peer relationships and to become more independent, and a lot of parents get very threatened by that. But it does not mean they don't need you anymore.

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Photo: Tom McMahon, an author, teacher and father of two, invited parents of healthy, happy teens to share what works for them in his book, ``Teen Tips: A Practical Survival Guide for Parents With Kids 11-19.''

Knight-Ridder Tribune Photo Service