TO GLORY DAYS AND GLORIOUS PRANKS.

Byline: STEVE DILBECK

Here's the theory: College students today are more mature than those of yesteryear, more studious, just more responsible.

We should all be so proud.

Here's the fear: They're passionless, monochromic dullards who wouldn't know funny if they met Florida secretary of state Katherine Harris.

And welcome to your future.

Concern over our facetious future is brought to light by the annual UCLA-USC football showdown.

This had been a historic week for collegiate high jinks. When the mischievous and the inventive combined for true inspiration. When pranks became a college art form.

Alas, they are proving a dying breed. Gone the way of varsity sweaters and bongos. If the rivarly remains on the field, it is failing to inspire much in the way of a good stunt.

These had always been classic days for embarrassing your archrivals. Now the campuses can't seem to get too worked up over the other.

Not like, say, in '58, a true watershed year in the history of USC-UCLA high jinks. That was the year Daily Trojan staffers, the Trojan Knights and other USC students, led by our own Joe Jares, put out a phony four-page Daily Bruin and distributed it throughout the Westwood campus instead of the regular edition.

To pull it off, they kidnapped the truck driver from the downtown printing plant until 11 a.m. Yeah, it was a different time. The parody issue included a column under Daily Bruin sports editor Art Spander's logo that had projections of a Trojans romp.

``That was a great stunt,'' said Spander, now a columnist for the Oakland Tribune. ``I didn't like it, but it was clever.''

That was the same year some UCLA students rented a helicopter, filled it with manure and tried to dump it all on USC's Tommy Trojan statue.

``I guess they didn't quite understand the aerodynamics of a helicopter,'' said Tim Tessalone, USC's sports information director.

When the animal excrement was released, most of it was sucked right back into the helicopter and all over the passengers. Cracked one scribe: ``It's never good when the manure hits the rotors.''

But you gotta love the effort. In 1981, they tried it again, only with blue and gold paint. They missed Tommy, but did manage to send a few drenched guards running into the night in search of paint thinner.

There was also the year UCLA students cut off Tommy Trojan's arm and sword, and stuck it in a place Tommy would not have appreciated.

UCLA finally built a statue of a Bruin and placed it on campus in 1984. The Bruins might as well have mailed the Trojans invites to Westwood. Within a week, the Bruin had been painted cardinal and gold three different times. For variety, on the fourth visit, it was lathered in syrup and feathers, giving us the first known bear with a boa.

Over the years, there has been fountains dyed in opposing school colors, an attempt to lock Traveler in his horse trailer, a smoke bomb planted under the UCLA cheerleaders' platform, streakers, lawns burned with the rival school initials and sabotaged card stunts.

There was the time USC painted 20,000 crickets cardinal and gold and released them in the UCLA library. It's hard to imagine which was more troubling, getting rid of them or actually painting them.

Like beauty, humor is in the eye of the beholder, which might explain ``Normal, Ohio,'' but not the near dearth of pranks that currently go on between the two schools.

``Really, nothing has happened this week,'' said Sgt. Nancy Greenstein of UCLA's campus police. ``We haven't had anything. It's actually been pretty quiet. We get a call like this every year, but we send them to someone who's been here longer.''

Maybe college students are more sophisticated today, but you have to wonder. Previous generations were inspired by beatniks and hippies. Now we're producing dot.comers and business majors en masse.

``Maybe they're too busy studying, or drinking,'' Spander said. ``They seem a little more serious now. Back then, we seemed to have a better sense of humor. Of course, now people are worried if you pull a stunt, they'll lock you up or sue you.''

See, that wasn't a concern back in '43 when some UCLA students turned dognappers and lifted a mascot mutt named George Tirebiter. George reappeared before kickoff but with UCLA shaved into his fur. Being the bright, young college minds that they were, however, USC women quickly fitted George with a cardinal and gold sweater.

And the fear of litigation didn't prevent USC students from making off with UCLA's Victory Bell in 1941, an alumni gift from an old Southern Pacific freight train that was rung after every point the Bruins scored.

Members of USC's Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity, actually lowering themselves to make like Bruins, offered to help load the bell onto a truck after a game. They did, then drove off with the truck. The bell stayed in hiding for a year, until both schools agreed to use it as the trophy for the winner of their annual showdown.

There was also the time in 1975 when some official UCLA stationary somehow found its way into USC hands. Suddenly around the UCLA campus came notices that the Bruins pep rally that night had been cancelled. At the rally, the team outnumberd the crowd.

By the '90s, interest waned and pranks dried up. The almost annual bogus issues of the other school's newspaper came to an end in 1990, when, Tessalone said, they became malicious and pornographic.

``They went from fun-spirited to mean-spirited,'' he said.

We are, however, pleased to report hope. There was one mysterious incident over at USC this week following the annual ``Blood Bowl'' between the school bands.

``Sometime after the game, somebody broke into the UCLA truck and made off with their equipment,'' said Bob Taylor, USC campus watch commander. ``Nobody is saying who. But on Tuesday we got an anonymous phone call, and everything but four snare drums appeared on the lawn in front of a nearby apartment complex.''

Taylor, though, thought this serious.

``You don't break into a truck,'' he said. ``This goes beyond a stunt. This is a criminal offense.''

He said the missing drums are valued at $3,000. Just guessing, but think they might reappear by Saturday with a certain cardinal and gold logo?

College students today might find that very responsible.