TIPS TO TURN NET LOSS INTO NET GAIN.

Byline: STEVE DILBECK

EL SEGUNGO - Duty calls, so here we are. The needy and the desperate are out there and we do what we can.

And right now, the NBA Finals are looking needy. In desperate need of some suspense, some interest, some reason to believe the New Jersey Nets actually can offer the Lakers a challenge.

The NBA offers up a truly riveting Western Conference finals between the Lakers and Sacramento Kings ... and for an encore comes Game 1 of the Finals on Wednesday against the Nets. Warm milk, a thick robe and a soft chair never put more people to sleep.

The Nets need to turn this thing around in tonight's Game 2 or everyone will be crossing fingers, hoping a sweep ends the bloodletting.

The opener was dull. The press conferences are colorless. The buzz around the Finals is growing to an almost inaudible hum.

This calls for desperate measures, which Nets point guard Jason Kidd seemed to have a finger on when asked after the opener how New Jersey could contain center Shaquille O'Neal.

``The best way to try and defeat him is to figure out what car he's going to drive and put sand or sugar in the gas tank,'' Kidd said. ``If he makes it to the arena, you're going to be in trouble.''

New Jersey, you are in trouble. Shaq owns enough specialized cars to fill the Meadowlands.

Yet in the spirit of public service, we are again here to help. Here are a few handy tips to help the Nets make this a series, only most of which are desperate.

--Tell Shaq he is a basketball god. He should live on Mt. Olympus. You worship at tips of his size 22s.

Whisper to Kobe Bryant that he's the most amazing player in the history of basketball. That Michael Jordan in his prime couldn't carry his shades.

The Lakers have had a season-long tendency to play down to their competition, which accounts for losing to every bad team in the league. Get them overconfident. Think of the first quarter Wednesday as a clever deke.

--Recognize that if you don't beat these guys, the world will have to watch Mark Madsen dance again.

Better yet, coach Byron Scott should threaten to force you to watch clips of his Madsen's latest creation the entire offseason.

Be warned: People already are asking the human ghost what he has planned.

``I think I'm just going to go out there and be spontaneous,'' Madsen said. That ought to scare you straight.

--Bring Kevin McHale out of retirement.

Gee, you were so respectful Wednesday. Such a nice bunch of guys. Think you said ``Excuse me'' after every foul.

Hey, toughen up. Play with an edge. If you want to win this, don't be afraid to send a message. Ask Lakers assistant coach Kurt Rambis about the one McHale sent in the '84 Finals.

The Sixers had something in last year's Finals you don't - a definite go-to guy in Allen Iverson - but they also brought some street toughness that made the games competitive.

--Get Ralph Nader to officiate.

Poor, whacked-out Ralph, not being satisfied with blowing the election for Gore and getting Dubya elected by a Repulican-dominated Supreme Court, now has decided to get into sports.

Ralph, and his political cronies in Sacramento, are outraged over the officiating in Game 6 of the Western Conference finals and asked commissioner David Stern to investigate.

Put some pinstripes on this guy tonight and Shaq will foul out in the first quarter. Then we'll launch an investigation and bring back the Corvair.

--Make sure the Lakers are wearing those Nike shorts from the Western Conference finals.

If you can't take Shaq down, shorts around his ankles might to the trick.

--Mess with Phil Jackson's head.

Jackson comes off as this worldly, spiritual, centered kind of guy. Sort of a stretched-out Yoda. His calmness supposedly spills over to the rest of the team. Nobody ever challenges his mental state. This is opportunity.

Invite the Dalai Lama to teach you meditation. If you can outmeditate them, you can outrebound them.

--Sign Maurice Greene.

Look, Shaq is 10 feet tall and 562 pounds, so he's going to maul whatever poor sap you stick in the middle.

The key to success: Run his big behind off. Make his arthritic toe scream.

``You make that foot burn and try to wear it down over time,'' said former NBA center and current broadcaster Bill Walton. ``You try to get him huffing and puffing.''

Who better than the world's fastest human?

OK, that's it. Guaranteed to add interest. Know this: You will play better tonight than in the opener, but so will the Lakers.

Get desperate. Get interesting. And remember, in times of need, we're there for you.