TINSELTOWN SPYWITNESS.

Byline: Elizabeth Snead

THE SMELL OF THE GREASEPAINT?: Where can you hear tales of a barking George C. Scott or stage-diving Uta Hagen or Tallulah Bankhead letting one rip on stage?

Backstage at the Geffen, of course. Monday night was the first fund-raiser for Westwood's Geffen Playhouse.

After a buffet dinner of duck and pasta and fancy salads held on the outdoor brick patio, the Geffen's friends and supporters piled in to partake of the real treat: the deliciously funny tales about living and working in the theater with skits and personal memories from Neil Simon, Peter Falk, Annette Bening, Warren Beatty, Jason Alexander, David Hyde Pierce, Martin Short, Rita Wilson, Alfre Woodard and Dana Delany.

Richard Benjamin shared a classic tale about the imperiously gruff Scott during lunch break on the set of ``Day of the Dolphin.''

``The film crew was getting their trays, and George, who had already gotten his food, walked to his table. He had his two big Dobermans with him, and he yelled at the dogs, 'Sit down!' Everyone in the crew sat down.''

Hyde Pierce recalled working with Uta Hagen in a Geffen production when the 82-year-old actress accidentally stepped off the stage in the dark. She was rushed to UCLA Medical Center under protest and when the nurse asked if she had osteoporosis, she replied. ``If I had osteoporosis, they would have brought me here in a dust bin.'' The actress was back on stage the very next night.

One of the evening's humorous highlights was comedian/writer Bruce Vilanch's account of working with the flamboyant Ms. Bankhead, a character he likened to Margo from ``All About Eve.'' He was a young actor in a play called ``Murder on the Rocks'' in Nyack, N.Y.

``The play was set in the antebellum South, and women did not smoke at that time. But Tallulah loved to smoke, so she would hide lit cigarettes behind all the props and couches on stage so she could sneak a puff. Even the town's fire marshal said, 'Call me crazy, but that stage is on fire!' She also had to wear hoop skirts, but that didn't stop her. She would hook a chair with her skirt and just drag it across the stage with her.''

The notoriously difficult actress agreed to have lunch with the town's most famous resident, actress Helen Hayes at her home, called Pretty Penny. Hours before that evening's performance, Bankhead developed gas, which she blamed on Hayes' ``terrible food.''

``She fairly sailed through the first act but as the curtain rose for the second act, with her squatting in this dramatic position, in the dead silence, she let out the longest, loudest, most vivid fart in the history of the English-speaking stage. Her skirt billowed up; the air around her turned blue!'' After the audience stopped laughing, the straight-faced actress rose and nobly intoned. ``That one ... was for Helen.''

ON THE BIG SCREEN: The Mark Taper Forum celebrated its 35th anniversary Saturday with an evening of astonishing performances, several from the past year's shows.

But the loudest applause (plus hoots and hollers) was for Will Kemp, a lead dancer in Matthew Bourne's ``The Car Man,'' which made its U.S. debut in Los Angeles last September.

His fervent fans can soon see the handsome dancer up close and personal, on screen in his first feature film, ``Mind Hunters,'' an action thriller directed by Renny Harlin (``Die Hard 2,'' ``Deep Blue Sea''). In the film, due to open this fall, Kemp plays Rafe, one of the trainees in the FBI's psychological profiling program who discovers a killer in their midst. Val Kilmer and Christian Slater star. Kemp's role was especially written to make good use of Kemp's clipped British accent.

The best thing about acting vs. dancing? ``Getting fat! It was so great being able to eat like a pig and toss back a few lagers after work,'' Kemp said, patting his still-admirably toned six-pack belly for emphasis.

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1) BEATTY, BENING: On hand for Geffen benefit

Lee Salem

(2) SHORT, WILSON: Fans of Tallulah?