TINSELTOWN SPYWITNESS.

PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!: Six police cars with Nevada plates, their sirens wailing and lights flashing, raced to Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood on Thursday night, crashed into a black stretch limo and caused a massive pileup on Hollywood Boulevard. The cops, all uniformed deputies from the Washoe County Sheriff's Department in Reno, jumped out of their vehicles, brandished their nightsticks and hurdled over a barrier to high-five the crowd in front of Hooters.

The ragtag cast from the slapstick "Reno 911!: Miami," based on the Comedy Central TV series, stayed in character on a red carpet decorated with yellow barricade tape. One deputy made it clear to guests -- including Cheryl Hines, Christina Applegate and Garcelle Beauvais -- that the film disguises their true efforts to create a more secure America.

"The people at 20th Century Fox don't want you to know the truth about us," said Thomas Lennon, dressed in his trademark blue shorts. "They have edited this movie to make us look incompetent. They've made a joke out of our lives, both professional and sexual, for one simple reason: to make bags of money."

The man in charge claims the contemporary Keystone Cops are actually a key aspect of the war on terror.

"If terrorists watch us in action, they'll be lulled into a false sense of security, which will make them vulnerable," insisted writer/director/deputy Ben Garant. "We're Homeland Security's secret weapon."

That's not the only message.

"Our real purpose is to teach people not to go into law enforcement," said Kerri Kenney-Silver. "Crime pays, law enforcement doesn't."

Unless you're part of the "Reno 911" franchise. Then you're laughing all the way to the bank.

IT SUITS HER: Can anyone, except maybe his wife, blame "Borat's" Ken Davitian for spending Valentine's Day night at the party saluting the 2007 Sports Illustrated swimsuit and music issue? After all, what faux Kazakh wouldn't want to hang with cover girl Beyonce and more than a dozen supermodels in a tented venue called Club Swimsuit 07 at the Pacific Design Center?

"I thought they were joking when they asked me to be on the cover ... because I'm neither a model nor an athlete," Beyonce chuckled as stylist Ty Hunter adjusted her sexy black Costume National dress. "But doing it became a no-brainer when I learned that this was also a music issue and I could show off swimsuits from my House of Dereon fashion line."

Beyonce's in Dereon swimsuits on the cover and in numerous other photos in an issue that SI claims will be read by

67 million adults in the U.S. And, oh yeah, getting paid for the free publicity never hurts.

"This isn't just another magazine cover," said Hunter as Beyonce posed for dozens of salivating snappers. "Even for her, this is very big -- historic even."

"The swimsuit issue has such a massive readership that it will enhance Beyonce's recognition level and boost Dereon sales," agreed veteran model Jessica White, who was photographed with the USC marching band for her fourth appearance in a swimsuit issue.

Beyonce didn't let the cover go to her head on

V Day. She animatedly posed with White and other models during the party.

And she didn't even consider squeezing into the tiny party photo booth for a session with Davitian.

IN THE REALM OF 23: Jim Carrey and girlfriend Jenny McCarthy were all smiles on the red carpet at the Orpheum Theatre when they arrived for the premiere of "The Number 23" at 8:23 p.m. Tuesday. But after the film, which opens Feb. 23 and is obsessed with absolutely everything about the number 23, they missed the highlight of the night.

They both skipped the after party at the Edison, the club that opened this month in what was once downtown L.A.'s first private power plant on Second and Main. Why didn't they bother joining co-stars Virginia Madsen, Danny Huston and Logan Lerman at the $3.5 million nifty basement nightspot with multiple lounges and decor that still includes century-old boilers, generators and turbines?

The buzz was that Carrey was either very tired (the typical official spin), worried that "23" might bomb (a publicist's opinion) or so affected by his role that he's become superstitious and frightened of crowds.

The latter explanation might be what prompted director Joel Schumacher's stern warning to the audience before the screening.

"Jim's bodyguard is an ex-Israeli Mossad who will get you in the dark and you won't even notice," Schumacher told a crowd that included Marley Shelton, Christina Applegate, Garcelle Beauvais, Rosario Dawson and Stacy Keibler.

Not that "23" is making everyone fatigued, concerned, scared and/or existential.

"Most people will definitely leave the film looking for the number 23 on license plates, street signs and everywhere else," Madsen said at precisely 11:23. "But I'm a firmly planted girl from the Midwest and, as a working single mom, am much too busy to be obsessed about anything."

She deserves a high 2 + 3.

CAPTION(S):

4 photos

Photo:

(1) LENNON and KENNEY-SILVER: Totally dialed into 'Reno 911!'

Alberto Rodriguez/Berliner Studio/BEImages

(2) BEYONCE: Suiting up for Sports Illustrated

Charley Gallay/Getty Images

(3) CARREY and McCARTHY: 23 ways to enjoy a premiere

(4) MADSEN and MOM: Single mom, proud mom ... to the 23rd power

Stephen Shugerman/Getty Images