TINSELTOWN SPYWITNESS.

Byline: Joel Stratte-McClure

HIGH ON HER HIGHNESS: Is there a guy on Earth who doesn't want to pay ``The Queen'' a compliment?

There certainly weren't many at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival, where Helen Mirren picked up the Outstanding Performance Award.

``You're gorgeous, ravishing, rebellious and tattooed,'' said Peter Morgan, who wrote the Oscar-nominated screenplay for ``The Queen.''

``There's a lot to like about Dame Helen Mirren,'' added William H. Macy. ``She's a babe, she's funny, and she's known for dropping her knickers in every film.''

Even film festival executive director Roger Durling was effusive during a two-hour conversation with the best-actress Oscar nominee. ``You've won every best-actress award, you're a household name, you're a sex symbol, and you've got a hot tattoo on your left hand,'' Durling gushed.

Mirren took the kudos in stride as she discussed her first role as the Virgin Mary, her infatuation with Goya, the importance of continuing to perform on stage, and the fact that husband Taylor Hackford was born and raised in Santa Barbara.

``I'm flattered by the attention, but being a household name will only last a minute,'' Mirren said. ``Actually, I've got a really big bum, I'm not all that confident, and my husband comes from the wrong side of the tracks.''

And what about that tattoo?

``I tell lots of stories, mainly involving guys, but the reality is that I got quite drunk on an Indian reservation in Minnesota many years ago when only Hells Angels and sailors had tattoos,'' Mirren admitted. ``This was well before tattoos became so mainstream. Getting one now would be absurd.''

For a queen anyway.

CUCKOO FOR COCO: Where are Deepak Chopra, Ringo Starr, Dave Stewart, Richard Schiff, Eric Idle and Michael Des Barres likely to do their Valentine's Day shopping?

Probably at Coco de Mer, the recently opened boutique near the Pacific Design Center that's the U.S. flagship store of the high-end shop in London's Covent Garden. Eurythmics founder/musician Stewart likes the ``exotic emporium'' that sells ``ethical and sensual chic'' so much that he's invested in it.

``I've used every product in this shop, and it's all non-carcinogenic,'' said Stewart, who played ``Take a Walk on the Wild Side'' on a guitar at the store's inauguration late last year.

Coco de Mer, which gets its name from the buttock-shaped double coconut found in the Seychelles, doesn't feature typical Valentine gifts like flowers, fragrances and chocolates. It specializes in a wide variety of erotic apparel, including silk knickers, sequined tassels, a variety of luxury lingerie and leather designed by Alexander McQueen.

Chopra, who attended the inauguration to help Stewart get by with a little help from his friends, finds the shop's concept very spiritual and discussed the importance of sex on the path to serenity. ``I've known Dave for 15 years, and we've been involved in numerous projects,'' Chopra explained. ``This is definitely the most risqu(hrt).''

Decorated in burgundy velvet with ornate dressing rooms that resemble a Victorian boudoir, Coco de Mer's oddly shaped candles, toys, books, oils, household goods and accessories have also been handled by Lily Tomlin, Debi Mazur, Olivia Harrison and a number of recent Golden Globes winners.

Which ones?

``We never reveal our clients,'' said Justine Roddick, who owns the boutique at 8618 Melrose Ave. with her sister Sam.

That's lucky. We wouldn't want her to spoil a Valentine's Day surprise.

FAME SHAME: Some Oscar nominees have mixed feelings about the pomp, circumstance and anxiety associated with the Academy Awards extravaganza on Feb. 25.

``Our movie's about rejecting the notion of beauty contests, so I'm conflicted about the whole thing,'' admitted ``Little Miss Sunshine'' director Jonathan Dayton during a ``Directors on Directors'' panel at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival, which ends today.

``The whole idea of competition makes me very uncomfortable, and I wish they would honor the movies but eliminate the awards,'' ``Babel'' director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu suggested to panel moderator Peter Bart. ``But that'll never happen because the ratings would plummet.''

Others appreciate recognition by the academy and contend that the heady competition embodies the American way.

``Getting to the Oscars is the only way that my mother will ever believe that I actually directed `Monster House,''' explained Gil Kenan, who grew up in Reseda.

``Hey, this is America, and we're driven by the idea of what's best -- whether it's car, a wife or a movie,'' said Todd Field, who wrote and directed ``Little Children.'' ``I've been watching the Oscars and working on my acceptance speech since I was a kid.''

For some the show is a lark and opportunity for some fun.

``This whole thing is a game we all love to play,'' said ``Cars'' director John Lasseter, who again plans to arrive at the ceremony in an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. ``I'm a nobody, but I make a point of walking near a famous actress so I can get my picture in People.''

Meanwhile, one concrete suggestion got the most applause.

``I wish the country could get as excited about giving the same kind of awards to teachers,'' said ``Sunshine'' co-director Valerie Faris.

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1) MIRREN: Practicing the queen's wave

Mark Davis/Getty Images

(2) KENAN: A ``Monster'' moment for mom

Michael Buckner/Getty Images