TINSELTOWN SPYWITNESS.

Byline: Elizabeth Snead, Joel Stratte-McClure and Jenny Peters

SENIOR MOMENTS: Liz Smith is hardly anyone's idea of retiring. At 82, the iconic gossip columnist is hawking her new book, ``Dishing,'' and just signed on to write her column for two more years at the New York Daily News.

But that made her the perfect host for AARP The Magazine's lunch celebrating its Hollywood issue at the Hotel Bel-Air Tuesday.

``As well as positive social change for all generations, a key objective at AARP is to redefine the image of aging in this country,'' said Christine Donohoo, chief of corporate communications. ``There's no better place to do this than Hollywood. We need all of you vibrant, active people to help us carry the message that the second part of life is the best.''

The posh lunch, featuring food from Smith's food/gossip book, was populated by ageless A-listers including Jacqueline Bisset, Shirley Jones, Jane Seymour, Stacy Keach, Larry King, Martin Landau, Rita Moreno, Della Reese, Nora Ephron, Tina Sinatra, Holland Taylor, Robert Wise and Michael York.

The Hollywood issue, with older Oscar winners (Kathy Bates, Joanne Woodward, Marcia Gay Harden, Cloris Leachman, Patty Duke, Moreno and Jones) posing for a Vanity Fair-esque cover, got Smith's approval. ``Let me just say that all of those women look better then the young ones did on Vanity Fair.''

Smith had a few ageism jokes for the audience.

``I see my young friend Larry King is here with his beautiful daughter, Shawn. Oh, sorry, wife,'' she cracked, causing King to practically spit out his Texas Jailhouse chili.

Smith also took a swing at the White House. ``Why are the Republicans trying to destroy AARP? They should ask this widespread, powerful lobby for help in finding Osama bin Laden. Surely he's 50 by now!''

Just don't belittle gossip. Smith dubs gossip ``the tawdry jewel in the crown of free speech. If a few people have to suffer, like many of you in this room, who are so rich, so talented, so famous and maybe so stupid to do something really dumb in public, you should know you're actually helping support free speech.''

CHILLIN' FOR CHARITY: You know it's cold when a ``Desperate Housewife'' bundles up and hides her assets.

Nicollette Sheridan was shivering Wednesday at the Red Cross Benefit for Tsunami and Local Disaster Relief in a sexy Edie-esque laced-bodice turquoise gown. But she finally got so frozen she tossed on a black coat to join Five for Fighting singer/songwriter John Ondrasik in making a plea at the podium for the charity.

The fundraising dinner, which had invited Barbra Streisand, George Clooney, Diane Sawyer and Angelina Jolie (it was even rumored Brad Pitt would show!), drew just two decidedly dimmer stars: Maria Conchita Alonso and Traci Bingham.

Hey, at least the setting was spectacular. The bash was held at Georgia and Robert Leonard's palatial Tara Largo estate high in Brentwood Estates. Guests cowered inside and huddled near a covered backyard fireplace for cocktails. But the seated dinner was set up outside, where brisk winds overpowered the outdoor heaters.

Some guests took advantage of the silent auction. ``I just love your jacket,'' one woman said of a friend's white fuzzy wrap. ``Thanks! I just bought it,'' she replied, pointing to the half-price fur racks.

PEDAL TO THE METAL: Monster trucks roared down Sunset Boulevard Wednesday night, muscling up to the ArcLight Cinerama Dome for the premiere of Dana Brown's heart-pounding adventure documentary, ``Dust to Glory.''

The place was packed with a motley mix of the colorful characters that populate the decidedly insane annual SCORE Baja 1000 off-road race chronicled in the flick.

There was Mike ``Mouse'' McCoy, a motorcycle maniac whose kamikaze ride centers the film, and Sal Fish, longtime promoter of the race, who recalls the early days when gearheads Steve McQueen and James Garner drove in it.

No sign of the marquee men in the movie - Mario Andretti, Robby Gordon, Jimmy Vassar - who take time off from their pro-racing careers for the wild 1,000-mile race through the Mexican peninsula.

But the prerequisite hotties surrounding motor sports turned out in force. Buxom Playboy babes Camille Anderson and Rebecca Mary vamped it up, while Brooke Burns hung tight to her Bruce Willis replacement, Scott Waugh, a ``Glory'' producer/stuntman.

Revelers jockeyed for position at the post-party at Falcon, knocking back shots of tequila, hoping to spot a few Hollywood celebrities. No luck. But no problem. ``This is not scripted Hollywood, this is the real thing, and the real people doing it,'' said Fish.

CAPTION(S):

4 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) Liz SMITH: Still ``Dishing.''

(2 -- color) Larry KING and Shawn SOUTHWICK-KING: No complaints from him.

Stephen Shugarman/Getty Images

(3 -- color) Mike ``Mouse'' McCOY: Ultimate biker.

(4 -- color) Brooke BURNS and Scott WAUGH: Start your engines.

Frazer Harrison/Getty Images