TINSELTOWN SPYWITNESS.

Byline: Elizabeth Snead, Joel Stratte-McClure and Jenny Peters

NAUGHTY AND NICE: James Gandolfini and Ben Affleck pulled a snow job Thursday - complete with a red-suited Santa in wrap-around shades, glitzy Christmas trees, chortling carolers, faux snow and a bleacher of fans in green stocking caps - for the premiere of ``Surviving Christmas.''

But Gandolfini behaved like the Grinch, dissing reporters and devotees as he lumbered down the snow-smothered red carpet and grudgingly grinned for a few photos with his co-stars.

A more playful Affleck (without his rumored new girlfriend Jennifer Garner) gave high fives, put on a goofy holiday hat, signed autographs and apologized for Gandolfini's anti-social ways. ``He's a very shy guy, he's not extremely loquacious.''

Yo, who you calling not loquacious? Fuggedaboudit!

But Xmas shopping wasn't on Affleck's mind. ``Surviving Christmas is the least of my (expletive) problems,'' he says. ``I'll hang myself long before Christmas if the Red Sox and John Kerry both lose.''

Everyone else - Christina Applegate, Catherine O'Hara, Josh Zuckerman, Kevin Smith (with stunning wife, Jennifer), Jason Mewes, William H. Macy and ``Desperate Housewives'' hunk James Denton - sounded slightly more cheerful about an Xmas flick opening in October, before Halloween.

``The country needs some yuletide spirit just before the election,'' says Applegate, trying not to slip on the snowy red carpet.

``Haven't you heard?'' joked director Mike Mitchell, ``October is the new December.''

AARP IN HOLLYWOOD: Fifty isn't what it used to be. Even in age-obsessed Hollywood.

``Hollywood, the heart of age discrimination, is just waking up to the fact that grown-ups want movies to go to,'' says Nancy Griffin, new West Coast editor of AARP the Magazine, which recently featured Kevin Spacey, Cybil Shepherd and Anthony Hopkins on its cover. ``This magazine is the way to reach them.''

To that end, Griffin and AARP's editor Steve Slon hosted AARP's first star-studded Hollywood cocktail party in the trendy, high-tech Venice compound/home designed by Griffin's famous architect/hubby Steven Ehrlich.

The party definitely pleased AARP's Hollywood guests: high-powered publicists, entertainment insiders and stars Shirley Jones, Dana Delaney and James Cromwell, author Judith Krantz and director Roger Corman.

Richard Gere and Paul Newman will be upcoming cover boys. And seven ``older'' Oscar-winning actress will grace a special gatefold cover next spring.

But not everyone admits to reading it. Yet. ``Inside this rather craggy exterior is a 19-year-old still trying to get out,'' says Cromwell, 64.

STEPPING UP: ``I didn't fall, but my feet are killing me!'' said Virginia Madsen as she lay sprawled across the bottom steps of the elegant Motion Picture Academy stairs. Then she yanked off her stiletto sandals and went barefoot for the remainder of the ``Sideways'' premiere after-party Tuesday night in Beverly Hills.

Her co-stars weren't such fashion victims. Sandra Oh was smashing in a wildly patterned sleek gown, escorted by her husband, ``Sideways'' director Alexander Payne, natty in a dark suit.

Thomas Haden Church looked just as handsome as in his ``Wings'' days. Most surprising was Paul Giamatti, the visual antithesis of his schlumpy film character in a well-tailored black Hugo Boss suit.

``My character isn't a loser,'' Giamatti insisted. But the actor has made quite a career out of playing sad sacks to perfection, and he does it again in ``Sideways.'' Maybe he'll get a chance to play someone different if he teams up with hot directors Peter Berg or David O. Russell, both of whom showed up for the premiere.

Also on hand for the wine-soaked bash (the movie is about a trip to the wine country): Olivier Martinez, who escorted songbird Kylie Minogue, and Jason Ritter, Eva Marie Saint, Cary Elwes and the film's talented composer, Rolfe Kent.

ALL EYES FOR HER: OK, so Will Smith didn't exactly ride in on a white horse. But he was definitely a knight in shining armor to Fulfillment Fund honoree Amy Pascal, chairwoman of Sony Pictures.

``I can't see that!'' Pascal moaned Wednesday night, squinting at the faraway TelePrompTer, ``and I had a really good speech.''

Then the Man in Black (a tan suit, actually) came to the rescue, as Smith bounded onto the stage and read her speech for her.

``Someone is getting fired right now,'' host Sinbad joked as Pascal fumbled and Smith saved the day.

Revolution Studios' Tom Sherak joined Sinbad for the wild live auction, shouting out names to force execs to donate big bucks to send underprivileged kids to college. And despite the amusing technical glitches, more than $300,000 was raised, which was definitely nothing to be embarrassed about.

CAPTION(S):

5 photos

Photo:

(1) GANDOLFINI: Talk is cheap - too cheap for him, at least.

(2) AFFLECK: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ... on his head.

(3) GIAMATTI and CHURCH: Fashionably ``Sideways.''

Lester Cohen/WireImage.com

(4) APPLEGATE: Doing her bit in the holiday-cheer department.

(5) PASCAL: Next time, write it on your hand.

Steve Granitz/WireImage.com