TIME TO SEIN-OFF; SHOW'S FANS READY FOR NOTHING.

Byline: Keith Marder Daily News Staff Writer

If you'd rather not know how the final episode of ``Seinfeld'' ends, consider this fair warning: Read no further.

Pertinent information about the series-ender from ordinary fans and insider gossip may be contained in the paragraphs below. Then again, it may be nothing. Sort of like Seinfeld.

By 10 tonight, however, how exactly Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer will bid farewell to each other and America will be entertainment history.

A record audience - 75 million viewers in the United States alone - is expected to tune in to the much-hyped finale of the show after nine seasons.

While most viewers will be watching from their version of the blue couch in Jerry's living room, thousands of fans will be watching together at parties from coast to coast.

So consuming is the final chapter of America's favorite sitcom that one Los Angeles Police Department official predicted a possible decline in the crime rate while the show is on.

``I think so many people will not be out in the street there'll probably be a reduction in traffic accidents, and people will be throwing Seinfeld parties. It's a really positive event . . . and if it reduces crime, we love them, too,'' said Lt. Tony Alba, a spokesman for Chief Bernard C. Parks.

NBC is mining the interest for all it's worth, devoting a full two hours to ``Seinfeld.''

The network begins paying homage to the hit series with a retrospective at 8 p.m. Then the curtain lifts on the last ``Seinfeld'' ever at about 8:45 p.m. - a finale apparently so chock full of nothing that an hour won't be enough to tell the story.

(And, in case that's not enough, Jerry Seinfeld is scheduled to appear on ``The Tonight Show'' with Jay Leno at 11:35 p.m.)

Perhaps the biggest surprise isn't the $5 million per episode Jerry Seinfeld turned down when the actor-producer called it quits, but the feat that NBC seems to have pulled off: secrecy over the contents of the finale.

The cast and crew worked under a cloak of secrecy to produce this show. Guests invited to the final filming April 9 were required to sign a confidentiality agreement saying they would not spill the beans.

That only seems to have heightened speculation and rumors about how the show will end.

On the Internet, rumors have the whole cast dying, moving to Los Angeles, or both. TV Guide interviewed a woman who said she auditioned for a part as a district attorney. Another report said the four principal characters were spotted filming a scene in which they were heading to upstate New York for a trial.

And on Wednesday, the Boston Herald's gossip columnists splashed their ``Seinfeld'' dirt on the front page. Gayle Fee and Laura Raposa reported that ``Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer witness a carjacking. And, being the shallow New Yorkers that they are, they don't report it to the cops.''

The four actually laugh about what they see. But, because New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani is cracking down on crime, they are arrested and put on trial, according to the columnists.

The Herald includes Susan Walters (Mulva) and Teri Hatcher (Sidra) among the guest stars who will return as material witnesses.

If the facts fit, you must admit this one sounds like the most credible scenario to have escaped the viselike grip that the ``Seinfeld'' contingent has had on the final plot line.

One person who was at the filming, when asked about other rumors surrounding the episode, had firmly said, ``No.'' But on this rumor, all he would say is ``No comment.''

And while others in the know also have roundly rejected previous rumors, an NBC spokesperson contacted Wednesday would neither confirm nor deny the Herald report.

On the anticipation meter, the last ``Seinfeld'' ranks up there with the ``Who shot J.R.?'' episode on ``Dallas'' and the parody ``Who Shot Mr. Burns?'' on ``The Simpsons.''

Fans will be watching all right, likely measuring what some insiders are calling a ``genius'' ending against their own imagined scenarios for the series conclusion.

Janis Reid Campillo, 45, of Woodland Hills would like to see a classic ``Seinfeld'' call-back with the final chapter drawing off 1992's ``The Cheever Letters'' episode.

``Remember when Kramer burned down the cabin?'' she said. ``Well, he leaves a cigar in Monk's (diner) and it burns down. They are all standing in front of it, watching it burn and don't know where to hang out.''

Campillo said she would definitely like George to have some happiness before leaving your living room.

``He finds out he's adopted, and jumps on an airplane while Monk's is burning. He's free.''

In an informal Daily News query, readers, for the most part, hoped for happy endings and many would prefer things to remain pretty much the same.

``I'd rather them stay together,'' said Joyce Berg, 71, of Van Nuys.

Ari Richards, a 40-year-old Camarillo dentist (no anti-dentite), thinks the union of Jerry and Elaine is a way to go.

``I think you have to have Jerry and Elaine get married,'' he said. ``George has to remain miserable the rest of his life. Kramer will go on being his crazy self, maybe moving in with Jerry and Elaine.''

On the wish list of many fans: Nice, normal, guys for Elaine, a job for George, an HBO comedy special for Jerry, and Kramer going on being Kramer.

``I hope they all hit it big and find happiness,'' said Ira Hyman, 40, of North Hills.

Hernando Martinez, 38, of Sunland wants to know where the characters from his favorite show will end up.

His suggestions: ``Jerry can do standup; Kramer can do a pretty good talk show on his own, a funny one; and George can go back to mom and dad. Elaine can get married and have kids.''

Veronica DeLeon, 25, of Pacoima also wants to see a marriage.

``I'd like to see Kramer and Elaine get together. That would be a shock, don't you think?'' said DeLeon. ``And then George and Jerry become lovers. It sounds like a messed-up `Odd Couple.' ''

Already fans like Terri Fowler, 30, of Van Nuys are having trouble letting go. ``I'd like to feel like it's still going on and on and on,'' she said. ``I don't want Elaine to get married, unless it's to Jerry.''

But Fowler said she isn't as much concerned about the storyline as she is with the execution. ``I'd rather them just make it good.''

Daily News wire services contributed to this report.

CAPTION(S):

3 Photos, 2 boxes

PHOTO (1 -- color) ``Seinfeld's'' Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Jerry Seinfeld are set to call it a day.

Photo courtesy of Columbia/TriStar Television

(2) Michael Richards (Kramer), left, Jason Alexander (George), Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine) and Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry) appear in one of the final season's episodes of``Seinfeld.''

Joey Del Valle/NBC Photo

(3) no caption (Seinfeld cast in the restaurant)

Box: (1) Celebrating Seinfeld

(2) Seinfeld: The finale