THIS ONE'S BEEN BEATEN WITH `UGLY' SHTICK.

Byline: David Kronke Staff Writer

A ``coyote ugly'' person is one who is so physically ghastly that, upon waking up hungover with him or her asleep on your arm, you would gladly gnaw that appendage off - like a coyote caught in a trap - to escape rather than awaken or have to speak to that monstrosity ever again. Similarly, ``Coyote Ugly'' the movie is so narratively ghastly that, were you handcuffed to your seat, you would cheerfully bid your arm adieu and chew your way to freedom to avoid allowing any more idiocy to seep into your central nervous system.

Piper Perabo stars as Violet, an innocent, small-town Jersey girl with dreams of making it big in New York Ci... see, I can tell, I've lost you already. Through the usual series of contrivances, she ends up working as an uber-attitudinal bartender/dancer at Coyote Ugly, which is sort of a Chuck E. Cheese for misogynists (women do patronize the place, however, but only when called for by the, um, plot).

The other women at the bar are defined by the one character trait Gina Wendkos' script allows them: Lil (Maria Bello), the tough boss with a heart of - well, something; Rachel (Bridget Moynahan), the grouchy one; Cammie (Izabella Miko), the shopaholic (yes, there's a trying-on-clothes montage); and Zoe (Tyra Banks), the law student - anyone who saw Banks' pre-Oscar ceremony performance would know to fear for the legal profession. Director David McNally shoots their bartop dancing two ways: above the waist, so you can see the actresses, and below the waist, so you can see their stand-ins' precision hoofing.

To prove she can write pointless scenes for both genders, Wendkos also gives Violet a boyfriend (Adam Garcia) and a disapproving dad (John Goodman, playing another variation on his patented fat-guy-who-can't- say-no-to-junk-food character - no offense, John, but maybe Hollywood's trying to tell you something).

It's Perabo's movie and she knows it, all too well; her perky, quirky performance is far too exhaustingly calculated to charm. Her unrelenting emoting, particularly during the scenes designated in the script as ``sad,'' makes this the first movie that could've used an eyebrow wrangler. Similarly annoying in ``The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle,'' Perabo was but a cameo in ``Battlefield Earth'' from winning the summer's Triple Crown.

``Coyote Ugly'' is, at its heart, an R-rated movie aimed at frat boys shoehorned into an ungainly PG-13 body - which means, essentially, it has none of the gratuitous nudity that movies of this ilk are generally expected to have. Which, obviously, wouldn't make the movie any better, but it would at least give its target audience a reason to sit through it.

So you can look at the movie one of two ways: that the movie becomes high-minded in its refusal to commit to its sleazy sensibility, or that since it's still clearly cashing in on said sleazy sensibility, its inability to follow through simply underscores the filmmakers' cynicism and gutlessness.

The facts

--The film: ``Coyote Ugly'' (PG-13; language, sexual situations).

--The stars: Piper Perabo, Adam Garcia, Maria Bello, Bridget Moynahan, Izabella Miko, Tyra Banks.

--Behind the scenes: Directed by David McNally. Written by Gina Wendkos. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. Released by Touchstone Pictures.

--Running time: One hour, 45 minutes.

--Playing: Citywide.

--Our rating: One star

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Photo:

Violet (Piper Perabo) cuts loose, footloose, in a scene from the raucous ``Coyote Ugly.''