THIS ISN'T YOUR AVERAGE SHOW.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH MEDIA

CARSON - It has already crept past midnight, and the neighbors still awake in their homes bordering the Home Depot Center on this early Thursday morning must be wondering why all the lights in the main soccer stadium are still on.

Or why baseballs are flying over the awning of the roof and bouncing around in the parking lot.

It's Jose Canseco. Taping a TV show. ``Pros Vs. Joes.'' For Spike TV.

Now go back to bed.

``This is all pretty surreal,'' says Petros Papadakis, the returning host for the cable channel's hit show that pits a trio of ``Average Joes'' against former (and current) high-profile athletes in full-contact competition for bragging rights, TV exposure and some financial compensation.

``And here's a guy, Canseco,'' Papadakis continues, even more wide- eyed, ``who's already been on `The Surreal Life.'''

Canseco, the current Encino resident, notorious former MLB home-run masher, current steroid whistle-blower and reinventing himself as a reality-series regular, concentrates on swatting balls off a batting practice pitcher on a makeshift baseball diamond in a ``Home Run Derby'' competition that simply can't be matched by any of the contestants. Even after Canseco breaks his bat on his third swing and has to use a new, untreated stick. Eventually, the ``Joes'' will be content scoring points by popping a ball over a fence marked 240 feet away.

A night earlier, in similar cold, damp and somewhat miserable conditions, former NFL star Michael Irvin ran pass patterns while the three took turns trying to defend him. Earlier this morning, not-yet-officially-retired NBA star Kevin Willis was set to bang bodies in a rebounding competition.

Then there was the ultimate battle -- Ultimate Fighting Championship legend Randy Couture goes five minutes one-on-one with each ``Joe'' in a specially constructed octagon at the nearby track and field stadium, and it's only by Couture's discretion that no one becomes seriously injured.

``I'm not a wrestler, and no one told me we'd be doing this,'' says ``Joe No. 1,'' otherwise known as Dawan Owens, a 6-foot-4, 222-pounder who once walked on to the University of Pittsburgh football team and has given himself the nickname, ``The Black Rudy.''

Owens, a Sherman Oaks resident who does stand-up comedy with a sketch group at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood, is hardly laughing.

``That was just crazy,'' he said, rotating his right shoulder, one that many heard pop minutes earlier before he finally tapped out against Couture. ``I've never even heard of the UFC before this. But, hey, I did it.''

In this head-on collision of televised sports and entertainment without air bags, the only thing that could have made things even more surreal on this night is if Borat Sagdiyev showed up as a sideline reporter.

The adjustment from ``real'' sports to this pseudo stuff is even more bizzare for someone like Papadakis, who, in the long stretches between takes and setting up the competitions, looks over his handmade speed charts of the USC and Stanford football lineups that he'll need to digest before he analyzes on Saturday's FSN telecast.

``It's just weird, how we create these sports competitions, and there are hundreds of people with all these moving parts telling me to be here and there and giving me scripts and having to do retakes or voiceovers,'' says Papadakis, before heading back to his makeshift dressing room to put on long underwear so he doesn't get sick and hold up production.

``I feel almost like a hologram around here, like I don't exist. I'm not a live game, and this isn't about me.''

In fact, it's about a show that's right in Spike TV's wheelhouse, geared to an ultra-male 18-34 demo into action, women, sci-fi, video games, girls, crime scenes and babes. The network's UFC reality series that's been so hot, it only made sense for ``Pros'' to include someone like Couture to cross promote.

This upcoming 10-episode series that will have a quick edit and run from January to March includes a ``Pros'' lineup almost as impressive as last year's that had, among others, Jerry Rice, Dennis Rodman, Bo Jackson, Herschel Walker, Justin Gatlin and John Rocker.

In addition to the foursome that banged bodies during this week's taping for Episode One, future ``Pros'' (subject to change) include Eric Dickerson, Kordell Stewart, Darryl Strawberry, Cobi Jones, Grant Fuhr, Robbie Ginepri and Roy Jones Jr.

``I saw it last season, and since I'm in the area, I thought, `Why not do it?''' said Canseco.

This, despite the fact someone's gonna get hurt, no matter what what kind of waiver is signed.

Irvin, who appeared at Pierce College on Thursday morning for a movie shoot on a sports-related spoof called ``The Comebacks,'' was already nursing a strained hamstring after his competition early Wednesday. Last year, a contestant was temporarily knocked out after taking a hit from Bill Goldberg, and another left bloodied from an elbow by Xavier McDaniel.

``They hit you, and you nail `em back; there's intensity,'' said Irvin, 40, the current ESPN NFL analyst who retired in '99. ``It reminds me of being a kid again playing `Murderball.' ''

Hmmm. Better not say that too loud. The Spike TV producers might figure out a way to make that into a new competition.

CAPTION(S):

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Photo:

Michael Irvin, Kevin Willis and Jose Canseco are among the athletes competing in the Spike TV series ``Pros Vs. Joes.''

Atiba Jefferson/Spike TV

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