THIS GAME'S IN DIRE NEED OF A FACELIFT.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

The war of words heading into today's USC-UCLA football game was at a fever pitch by midweek. No one was hiding any hatred.

``I know you are,'' Mike Garrett was heard shouting. ``But what am I?''

Thing is, he was addressing a Trojans alum.

Outside the sprawling city limits, L.A.'s midday lollapalooza at the crumbling Coliseum today doesn't rock any Richter scales.

ESPN's ``College GameDay'' is camped out with the zanies at Syracuse-Miami. The Washington-Washington State game on ABC and Florida-Florida State on CBS have BCS ramifications. Michigan-Ohio State's a bigger deal, and they aren't playing until next week.

You'd think at least the History Channel would have some interest in USC-UCLA.

By a stroke of luck, Fox Sports Net found some room for it between ``You Gotta See This!'' and an infomercial for a Ron Popeil pocket golf sand wedge.

Some of y'all seem to be content with this cozy little arrangement. Forget everyone else. Let's keep it our own guilty pleasure, far away from the rest of what's important in the college football world of big boys and big bowls.

When did we all become so content with this mediocrity?

On another gorgeous autumn afternoon, you'll have one institute of higher learning trying to end a skid at three games with a banned former Heisman Trophy candidate doing donuts with his SUV and a quarterback who hopes to avoid another DUI before kickoff because he might forget to tell his coach about it.

The other educational facility prays it can avoid a sub-.500 season and, if the football gods in the nasty-colored blazers are feeling generous, maybe it can secure a trip to some cruddy bowl in Idaho.

Forgive us if we somehow fail to get too pumped up about this for the second year in a row. It's like another rendition of ``Tusk'' from the Trojans band. We can name this tune after hearing zero notes.

This all can be fixed. And in a legal way, without any booster's mob connections.

Over at the Westwood multiplex, the wheels of change are in motion. Pistol Pete Dalis, having shot himself in the foot enough times, finally wised up and decided to leave as athletic director after this year. He'd name Rick Pitino as his successor, but the guy's already committed to Louisville.

If only Garrett had that kind of foresight.

At the downtown brickyard, it doesn't take a Rhodes Scholar to figure out Pat Haden needs to be the athletic director instead of Garrett, the bully who proudly has worn the bull's-eye on his head since '93, having driven away the likes of John Robinson and George Raveling just to prove a point.

Garrett's three-and-out mentality of football coaches - and alienating others - shows his lack of understanding about how the process works. Hire someone good, then stay with them. Success will follow.

If someone could convince Haden that, for the good of the school, he should give up making millions on his law practice and clean things up for his alma mater, the benefactor dollars might double autom Haden could even hire himself to do color in the booth every Saturday and save a few bills.

And someday, in the not-so-distant future, we'll turn on the TV and Terry Bowden will forget what he was about to say about Florida State and Clemson for a minute because, by golly, they need to get out to Hollywood in time for the kickoff.