THIS 'SPIDER' WEAVES AN IMPLAUSIBLE WEB.

Byline: Bob Strauss Film Critic

Sometimes, if abject ridiculousness is done with a straight face, it can almost work. Not that that's so great an achievement, but at least it can be said that ``Along Came a Spider'' is one of those times.

The face belongs to Morgan Freeman, here reprising his role from ``Kiss the Girls'' as Dr. Alex Cross, the brilliant D.C. forensic psychologist from James Patterson's best-selling series of mystery novels. The movie Cross is hardly the finely textured individual of the books, but as a latter-day Sherlock Holmes, he commands all the screen gravity that the ever-formidable Freeman can muster.

The actor's ability to project serious intent in the most absurd situations is given a real workout here. Freeman never appears to break a sweat.

Which most leading men would, if only from embarrassment for being associated with such cheesy, unbelievable plot twists as this film relies on.

Actually an adaptation of the first book in the Cross series, ``Spider'' changes a lot from the novel. But like the previous film, it keeps too much of Patterson's illogical reversals while diminishing the character detail to near invisibility. Too bad. Development of Cross has been the writer's true strength.

A prologue explains that Cross' female partner is killed in a bungled police sting, but that's just there to give him a load of regret like every hero of the past 200 bad-cop movies. Then we're asked to buy a real whopper.

There's this criminal genius named Gary Soneji, see, who is obsessed with the Lindbergh baby kidnapping. So much so that he spends years pretending to be a teacher at a school for the children of government bigwigs and diplomats, before acting on his plan to snatch a senator's daughter.

OK, you say, as suspense movie schemes go, that doesn't seem so outlandish. Except that Soneji came to class every day wearing a full latex face mask to disguise his true appearance (which is that of the raspy- voiced actor Michael Wincott) and nobody could tell! Now, really, did anyone believe that those one-shot superdisguises in the ``Mission: Impossible'' movies would fool anybody in the real world? And this clown, among a bunch of curious kids and their security guards for years, gets away with it? Let's face it: Even Morgan Freeman would sweat himself into an embolism under all that rubber for all that time.

Everything else about the movie is similarly implausible, such as Soneji's real aim, his preteen captive's amazing resourcefulness (Mika Boorem, a solid little actress, belongs in the ``Spy Kids'' sequel), a glammed-up Monica Potter as a tough Secret Service agent and all kinds of slickly impossible computer clue-gathering.

But it's the film's screeching 180 of a climactic revelation that really defies all laws of storytelling gravity. Yes, those who haven't read the book will be completely surprised. Why? Because it's absolutely out of character with anything we've been shown beforehand. In other words, effective as the twist may be, it's a total cheat.

There is one other major virtue the film can boast, however. Hit-and- miss director Lee Tamahori (``Once Were Warriors,'' ``Mulholland Falls,'' ``The Edge'') films all of this nonsense in a clean, straightforward manner free from most hyperactive, dumb cop movie cliches, but rarely lets the film get dull. The closest thing to a slam-bang car chase involves Cross trotting on foot across Washington to make a ransom drop - and the tension never slackens, mainly because you're worried he'll have a heart attack.

But artful restraint in presentation can't counterbalance the lunacy of ``Along Came a Spider's'' content.

``ALONG CAME A SPIDER''

(Rated R: violence, language, children in jeopardy)

The stars: Morgan Freeman, Monica Potter, Michael Wincott, Mika Boorem.

Behind the scenes: Directed by Lee Tamahori. Written by Marc Moss, based on James Patterson's novel. Produced by David Brown and Joe Wizan. Released by Paramount Pictures.

Running time: One hour, 43 minutes.

Playing: Citywide.

Our rating: Two stars

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Morgan Freeman is forensic psychologist Alex Cross in ``Along Came a Spider.''