THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL SOMEHOW, THEY'RE ON POLITICAL DEPTH CHART.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

They've been good sports about it, yet no one gives them much of a sporting chance to be the next governor of the state of California.

The reasons should be obvious.

After more than 600 took out the paperwork, 247 filled it out and 135 were certified by the secretary of state as having paid $3,500 and collected at least 65 or more registered voter signatures, we're left with about a dozen faces in the crowd who have some kind of sports background on their resume.

Muscling up to seven-time Mr. Olympia body-building champ Arnold Schwarzenegger ain't realistic. But with a little more than a week left in the process, we've weeded out these spoilers who won't walk away as spoilsports when it's all over:

Mary ``Mary Carey'' Cook, Ind: On her Web site (kids, stay away) she says her favorite movie is ``Any Given Sunday.'' Also appeared in a piece of videotaped cinema called ``Cheerleader Pink' with co-stars Bunny Luv, Lexi Lamour, Kelli Passion and Monica Mayhem.

Todd Carson, R: The 34-year-old commercial real estate developer once was the lacrosse coach at Chapman College in Orange.

Gary Coleman, Ind: Somehow, did not receive an Emmy nomination for his portrayal of Jackie Robinson ``J.R.'' Cooper in the made-for-NBC 1979 flick ``The Kid from Left Field,'' with Robert Guillaume, Tab Hunter and Ed McMahon. The storyline: He's a San Diego Padres bat boy who ends up managing the team from disaster to the World Series.

Two years later, Coleman was in ``On The Right Track,'' playing a homeless shoeshine boy living at a railway station who developed a knack for picking winning horse races. Basketball Hall of Famer Bill Russell also has a part in that one for some ridiculous reason.

Leo Gallagher, Ind: A huge Lakers fan from Agoura Hills, he's stated during previous public speaking engagements (also known as concerts) his ideas on how to improve sports.

In baseball, for example, he advocates players being able to run to any base when they hit the ball to eliminate the boring routine of the fielder always knowing where the batter will go.

As for football, he realizes salaries are out of control when a running back can get paid millions of dollars, yet a referee will run step for step with him going backward with his hands in the air blowing a whistle.

Jack Loyd Grisham, Ind: An Orange County surfer who said in a recent issue of Surfing Magazine: ``We're talking about getting someone in the governor's office who's spent some time in the tube! I mean, somebody who really cares about our beaches. ... This is our chance to stand up and say, `No,' and I don't just mean beach guys, but snowboarders, offroad guys ... everybody should've run.''

He's also pushing for a rehaul of the heath-care system based on the fact he suffered a recent surfing injury and couldn't afford insurance.

Jerry Kunzman, Ind: The CEO of the National Auto Sports Association, which hosts and promotes races for car enthusiasts throughout the country, claims on his Web site that ``I have a proven track record.''

With true race-car mentality, his idea to raise money is to sell naming rights to all state-owned highways, buildings and schools.

Paul ``Chip'' Mailander, D: The 37-year-old manager and golf pro at The Farms, a private club in Rancho Santa Fe, didn't want any part of this until fellow members put up the filing fee. He said it was difficult to get enough signatures since he was a Democrat and most club members are, incredibly, Republicans.

Membership at The Farms costs $115,000 for initiation and $750 per month.

Paul James Nave, D: Known as ``The Marin County Assassin,'' the 42- year-old Northern California native won the World Boxing Federation welterweight championship when he beat Greg Haugen in May 1998. He finished with a 15-8-2 pro career record from 1985 to '99 that included seven knockouts.

``To me, I'm a legitimate player,'' he told USA Today, campaigning to reduce spending on prisons by liberalizing drug sentences.

His campaign slogan: ``He'll fight for you.''

Kurt E. ``Tachikaze' Rightmyer, Ind: A middleweight sumo wrestler from West Covina, he wrote in the candidate's statement portion of the voter's information guide that he's also a ``serious, well-educated, nonpartisan candidate ... who will attack the 800-pound gorilla of big government from every angle.''

In the audience with 90 other candidates at a recent taping of ``The Tonight Show,'' Jay Leno made the joke about him: ``He wants to cut the fat out of the budget so he can eat it.''

Christopher Sproul, D: A Thousand Oaks High grad now in San Francisco as an environmental attorney, he lists surfing as his favorite hobby. His Web site includes a video clip of him holding a sign ``Sproul for Governor'' while on a surfboard and he has challenged Schwarzenegger to a surf contest ``at the beach of his choosing.''

Peter Ueberroth, R: The former baseball commissioner and president of the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics says you don't have to waste a vote on him anymore. He's pulled out and thrown his support to Schwarzenegger.

You know, winners never quit and quitters ... never mind.

Nathan Whitecloud Walton, Ind: The 25-year-old son of Bill and older brother of new Laker Luke, Nate was the captain of his Princeton team that won an Ivy League title in 2000-01. He also played professionally in France last year while he studied international business.

And all that money he made playing overseas - he didn't have to declare any of it on his 2002 income tax forms.

So how does the ``No on Recall' vote sound now?

CAPTION(S):

5 photos, box

Photo:

(1) no caption (Maurice Clarett)

(2) JON BON JOVI 

(3) RICH GANNON

(4) MATT WALBECK

(5) Erika Dunlap, the newly crowned Miss America

Box:

Sunday PUNCH