THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL HOOTIE AND OUR GANG IN: `GIRL TROUBLE'.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

(The clubhouse door flies open.)

``Hear ye, hear ye. The Augusta National chapter of the He-Man Woman Haters Club is about to commence.

``I present to you, The Honorable President and Chief Captain, Mr. Hootie.''

``(Banging a trash-can lid with a tire iron.) OK, simmer down everyone. Spanky, please read the minutes from the last meeting.''

``A-hem. Well, as you remember, we had been confronted by a person of the opposite persuasion, a Ms. Martha Burk of the National Council of Dish-Pan Hands Organization, who has insisted that we add ... we add ...''

``Oh, go on ahead and spit it out ...''

``That we add a girl to our club before the next Masters golf tourney-ment. And until we do, she promises that she'll be raisin' a ruckus to high heaven.''

(A gasp is heard throughout the clubhouse, followed by a murmur.)

``And what steps have we taken to quiet this commotion?''

``You stated to the press that we will not be, and I quote, bullied, threatened or intimidated, end quote, by these pressure tactics. And when she got our main sponsors to stop supportin' us, you told her we'd just go without commercials on next year's TV coverage.''

(More murmuring. Froggy's hand shoots up in the air.)

``So where we gonna get the money to give to the winner next year? I got 23 cents in my piggy bank, but my mom says that's gotta be for my college edification.''

``Say, I know, let's get everyone together and put on a show and we'll raise the money!''

(More murmuring. Alfalfa raises his hand.)

``Gee, fellas, as good as that sounds, whatta ya say we just go ahead and invite a girl to the club. How could that be so terrible?''

Spanky shoots him the evil eye.

``And who do you suggest that female member be ... a certain Miss Darla?''

``Not at all. But I do have a few suggestions (pulling out a long list that unravels out of his pocket).''

``What's this all about, Alfie? You gotta problem with a club full of He-Men? Are you gettin' sweet for someone?''

``Fellas, I'm just worried about all this bad publicity and all. I know we let a coupla girls use the course sometimes. And the regular guys say they won't boycott the Masters if we keep it all the same.

``But what if we just tell everyone we're addin' somebody ... but we don't really do it.''

(Spanky puts his finger to his temple.)

``So are you proposin' that we ... ?''

``Egg-xactly.''

(The murmur grows louder. Mickey stands up with a pained expression.)

``I don't know about you, but I ain't gonna be caught dead wearin' any girl dress out there in public, Alfalfa!''

``C'mon, it'd only be for one day. Just for some pictures in the papers, so everyone stops talkin' bad things about us. Talk to 'em, Spanky.''

``Ohhhh, no. Nuthin' doin'. You're alone on this one.''

``OK, then. For the good of the He-Man Woman Hater's Club, I quit.''

``But you can't quit. This is your clubhouse. You own the green jacket. Where are we gonna meet every day to sneak cigars and drink root beer and read comic books?''

(Alfalfa stands up and crosses his arms.)

``I've said all I'm gonna say, and that's all I'm gonna say.''

(Alfalfa leaves. Hootie bangs the trash-can lid again to get everyone's attention.)

``Boys, we've taken this tournament too far to turn back now. Lemme think about this one.''

(Flash forward to the next day. Hootie, Spanky and Alfalfa, each wearing a pink party dress with their hair in pigtails, are posing for a press photographer. Hootie turns to his caddie.)

``Buckwheat, hand me that four wood, woulda ya?''

(Buckwheat and Stymie look at each other and break out a giant smile.)

``O-tay, boss.''

(Petey barks and starts nipping at Hootie's skirt. Hootie growls back.)

``I knew we shoulda just let Darla in.''

(Roll credits.)

CAPTION(S):

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Photo:

(color) Augusta chairman Hootie Johnson's decision to stand firm against pressure to include women at his golf club has produced plenty of drama.

Elise Amendola/Associated Press