THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL FOR EVERY STUPID ACTION, AN EQUAL ONE-LINER.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Hit-and-run comedy at the sports world's expense:

--News flash: Philadelphia police are waiting patiently to charge 76ers star Allen Iverson with four felony and 10 misdemeanor counts for allegedly forcing his way into an apartment with a gun.

They said he can stay in his mansion until he has to surrender Tuesday - when his lawyer returns from vacation - but cannot under any circumstances leave.

--Backlash: Dude, you are so grounded. And no phone privileges until you learn to say you're sorry.

--News flash: Lakers center Shaquille O'Neal, in pursuit of becoming a full-time sheriff, has been designated a second-class police reserve, meaning he can carry a gun.

--Backlash: With all the police ride-alongs Iverson has been on in his life, you'd think he'd qualify for a permit to pack heat by now.

--News flash: According to one of the trade papers, O'Neal has met with all the major networks, pitching a one-hour drama series for which he would be the executive producer.

--Backlash: The working title: ``Copz.''

--News flash: A man in Michigan has filed a lawsuit - case number 0273944 CZ - against Major League Baseball, seeking $25,000. He insists the All-Star Game be completed because it ``caused millions of sports fans harm and a loss of faith in this American institution.''

--Backlash: This goes to trial, guarantee it ends in a hung jury.

--News flash: Because the All-Star Game was declared a 7-7 tie after 11 innings, the newly named Ted Williams MVP Award was not given out.

--Backlash: Too late now. It was an ice sculpture.

--News flash: Williams' daughter has asked President Bush and former Senator John Glenn to help stop her halrother from keeping the body of the former Boston Red Sox great in a deep freeze at a cryonics lab in Arizona.

--Backlash: Strom Thurmond might have a better inside connection.

--News flash: The Portland (Ore.) Beavers' minor-league baseball team is having an ``Arthur Andersen Appreciation Night'' next week - all fans buy a $5 ticket, get a $10 receipt and bring any documents they want to be shredded inside the stadium.

--Backlash: A promotion perfect for the late, great Enron Field.

--News flash: High school senior LeBron James has at least two major shoe companies trying to land him for an estimated $20-million-plus contract in advance of when he likely becomes the No. 1 NBA draft pick in 2003.

--Backlash: Imagine what he can do for a prom tux.

--News flash: The Detroit Tigers and Tampa Bay Devil Rays insist they aren't the two teams baseball commissioner Bud Selig hinted are in financial trouble and could experience payroll problems in the immediate future.

--Backlash: We're just going right down the list until someone admits to it.

--News flash: The WNBA is hinting at a strike.

--Backlash: Nice timing. Right after the first real on-court fight generates interest.

--News flash: Lennox Lewis says that for $30 million, he'll agree to a rematch with Mike Tyson.

--Backlash: Tyson says he can only afford to pay $15 million but can arrange to do the rest on installments.

CAPTION(S):

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Photo:

(color) Allen Iverson's alleged gun-wielding apartment hunt for his wife Tawanna, right, has led to a warrant for his arrest.

Jennifer Midberry/Associated Press