THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL BALDWIN WAS HEART, SOUL IN CHICAGO, BUT OF WHAT?

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Continuing with this theme of unnecessarily loud racket:

--Serve: The Dodgers take a chance on ruining team chemistry by picking up a starting pitcher, James Baldwin, from the Chicago White Sox to help their injury-plagued starting rotation.

--Return: It's not so much that L.A. can't handle another Baldwin in the neighborhood. It's what White Sox shortstop Royce Clayton said of the deal: ``J.B. was the heart and soul of this ballclub. He did a lot more than take the ball every fifth day. It's a big void to fill.''

Apparently, Baldwin's heart got the Chisox to a .500 record and his soul made sure they were about 10 games back this season in the AL Central.

Royce, you're carrying the torch to mediocrity from here.

--Serve: Shaquille O'Neal, who said he'd like to enter law enforcement when he's done playing basketball, already has an offer from the Oxnard Police.

--Return: When he's the new sheriff in town, industry insiders say this will give Shaq some real-live experience before he decides to do the remake of ``Smokey And The Bandit.''

More importantly, it means when Shaq pulls over, say, Olden Polynice, he'll have a real police badge instead of the fake one that Polynice will try to pull on him before they get into a roadside argument.

--Serve: Lance Armstrong is two stages away from winning the Tour de France for a third year in a row.

--Return: You realize that since the U.S. Postal Service sponsors Lance and his saddle-sore pals, there's probably a really cool job as a bike messenger awaiting him when he's done. If he's looking for a steady career.

--Serve: Montana State, which reached the Division I-AA national championship game in football a year ago and has won six of the past seven Big Sky Conference titles, was picked as the preseason favorite to win it again this season.

--Return: Sure, now that Cal State Northridge has left the league.

--Serve: Female boxer Mia St. John says she'll fight Christy Martin as early as Sept. 15, but they have to meet at 135 pounds. St. John, who once posed nude in Playboy, usually fights at 126. Martin, the uncrowned queen of her sport, usually goes in at 147.

--Return: I've been married enough times to know that when it comes to making suggestions about a women's weight, it's not worth it.

--Serve: Al Davis' next lawsuit, a $1 billion-plus claim that he was conned in 1995 into signing a 16-year lease with his landlords at the Oakland Coliseum, has been postponed until 2002.

--Return: Just as well. Al needed more time to assemble a jury pool.

--Serve: Fred Edelstein, who publishes the Pro Football Insider, has allegedly bilked agent Eugene Parker by getting him to put $100,000 into a deal with a ``prominent NFL owner'' that was to give him a $167,500 return in four months.

--Return: As usual, Edelstein's information was incorrect.

--Serve: A London newspaper reported exclusively that Anna Kournikova married Sergei Fedorov in a private family ceremony in Moscow several weeks ago. Kournikova's dad and management company denies it. Fedorov's mom confirms it.

--Return: We'll go with the Kournikova side for the time being, as we've learned from Andre and Steffi, the pregnancy comes before any matrimony.

--Serve: Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras are alive in the Mercedes-Benz Cup tennis tournament at UCLA.

--Return: With all the teen-agers they've had to knock out of the way to get this far, it's probably better for all concerned.

Eric Tracy, master of ceremonies at the event, says having Taylor Dent, Andy Roddick, the Bryan twins and the rest of the backward cap bunch this week has attracted legions of new, pimple-faced fans.

Meaning venues like UCLA have had to offer preferred skateboard parking.