THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL : NO SEQUEL TO `A WORM'S LIFE'.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Where have you gone, Dennis Rodman? A city turns its bloodshot eyes to you. . .

Oooh oooh oooh.

What's that you say, Mrs. Rodman? Wormy Boy has left and gone away. . .

Yea yea yea.

Yawn yawn yawn.

Outta sight, out of mind, out of hair color and eyeliner. You're outta luck.

As bad as Jeannie Buss' sire wants to be Rodman and add the rebounding marvel to his entourage while pushing Marina Del Rey Harris off the pier of sanity, it took NBA logo-man Jerry West to paint the team conveniently into a financial salary-capped corner so money would eventually be the sticking point.

It's come to a point, though, where instead of turning down a $610,000 stipend, Rodman should pay the Lakers to join. Carmen Electra can kick in a few checks she stole from ``Hyperion Bay'' producers and Jack Haley can start paying for a few Viper Room smoothies.

'Cause hooking up with Jean-Claude Van Damme and hosting an occasional Super Bowl party ain't enough to feed an ego, sweetheart. . . .

Besides, we got Kobe. . . .

Mattel is about to produce some timely Michael Jordan action figures in three sizes: 3-1/2 inches, 6 inches and 13 inches. The Chicago Bulls have special-ordered the 6-foot, 6-inch model. . . .

The Deflata-Bulls are so nasty, Ron Harper would take a trade from Chicago to go back to Clippers' jail. . . .

And the ESPY goes to . . . that guy in Boston who threw his money on the court and screamed ``I've had enough. . . . Here, take my money!'' while Kevin Willis was taking a free throw. Willis laughed. Then he sat out the Raptors' next game because of a sore back. . . .

Remember, Showtime gave Mike Tyson a $13 million check against his future earnings so he could take care of some friends at the IRS who kept bugging him.

Tyson can pay it off if the state of New Jersey orders about 13 kajillion license plates. . . .

The philanthropist who paid $3 million for Mark McGwire's 70th home run ball has a press conference today at the Plaza Hotel in N.Y. to ``go public'' and tell everyone what he's going to do with the thing. He'll start by making a name for himself. . . .

While on a ``SportsCenter'' vacation, Kenny Mayne takes the lesser-known Warner Bros. Studio tour in Burbank after doing some vanity work for Disney partners on ``The Drew Carey Show.'' . . .

John Elway might be quitting, but his dad isn't. Jack Elway, the former CSUN football coach and current Denver Broncos director of pro scouting, told the Colorado Springs Gazette: ``I'll never retire. My wife won't let me.'' . . .

Luc Robitaille puck giveaways every night for the rest of the season. . . .

Herb ``Helmut'' Kohl, the Democratic senator from Wisconsin who also owns the Milwaukee Bucks, was spotted in the Senate gallery during Prez Clinton's impeachment trial, reading the latest copy of Sports Illustrated.

Kohl will be pleased to know that Kathy Ireland's appearance on ``The Tonight Show'' this evening is to unveil (translation: promote) the swimsuit issue that comes out this week. . . .

The departing Jimmy ``The Sports Guy'' Kimmel got a very sentimental sendoff from Snoop Dogg on KROQ last week. . . .

Oops, gotta go. Rick Neuheisel's at the door for his regular Sunday visit.