THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL: NATURAL RESOURCES BEAR RIPE TICKETS.

Byline: Tom Hoffarth

Maybe the biggest misconception about Sunday's Lakers playoff opener at Staples Center - other than the Sacramento Kings had a chance to win it - was that a huge demand for tickets meant it would be impossible to get in the door.

Hardly.

For those who had to endure the lottery fiasco of a few weeks ago, here are a few simple tips on getting through the turnstiles for the rest of the playoffs:

1) Go directly past the Staples scavengers near Lot 3, where dubious things that looked more like crumpled pieces of paper with seat numbers on them were going from two-to-four times face value.

2) Go to Windows 13 through 16 and politely ask, ``Do you have any tickets?''

Then prepared to be dazzled.

Tickets - real ones - were available in all price ranges, right up to tipoff. And beyond.

There was a $106 seat about six rows from the floor while Shaq was leading layup drills on the court. After the first quarter ended, the most expensive seat left was one for $97 a few rows from the basket.

Those $12 low-oxygen seats were even available for the poor folks who wanted to just say they were there.

The reason is because, as with most events at Staples Center, tickets are returned by corporations and other season seat holders. Rather than go unused, they go back on sale. The team is also told by the NBA to hold back tickets and then put them on sale the day of the game.

Just thought you'd wanna know . . .

--Then there's the method used by Keela Castle of Culver City.

She's the one drawing attention outside each game with a large white- and-white picket sign that says something like: ``What's Uuuup Lakers? Why Are You Leaving The Season Seat Holders on the Street?''

Castle's story: She held three Lakers season seats at the Forum for more than 20 years, in Section 22 of the loge. Pretty nice ones. Went for $55 each.

Then Staples Center opened, and a Laker seat in that same location sold for $90 a ticket. Castle said she wasn't given a chance to buy them. She said she was offered a comparably priced ticket, 20 rows behind the basket with a bad sightline. She declined.

So at every home game, she's out protesting. Not that she can't buy a ticket on her salary as an employee of a small telecommunications company. But she's making a statement for everyone who can't afford a decent seat at the new venue.

And here's how she's been rewarded.

``The fans have been so supportive,'' Castle said about a half-hour before Sunday's game, standing with her friend, Jackie Berryman.

``Some have given me their extra seat in the luxury suites. Others have given me premiere seats. One person asked me if I'd sit with him courtside, but I couldn't. I needed two seats.''

Smell a pretty good scam working here?

``I once had someone give me eight tickets, so I gave some away to kids.

``A radio station gave me an umbrella, so I could picket out in the rain. Another company out here gave me some athletic apparel.''

Lakers and Staples Center officials know of Castle but have stopped trying to get her evicted. She claims to have been given a police pass to show anyone who tries to have her removed from the premises.

She also says the reason no media has paid attention to her is the team has threatened to pull their press credential if anything was written about her cause.

The team denies that's the case.

``One fan gave me $200 to help me for all the parking I've had to pay for coming out each game,'' Castle continued.

Eventually, she had to excuse herself to get back to her protest.

Ten minutes before the game, the two were still walking. After the first quarter, they were gone. A Staples Center security guard who had been stationed in the area she was demonstrating said he thought she got some tickets and was inside the building.

Demonstrating again that with a little creativity, you too could be propped next to Dyan Cannon smiling into the camera at the people who tried to do it the hard way.

SURFING THE TUBE

TODAY

A makeup date for that snowed-out game at Shea Stadium two weeks ago, the Dodgers and Mets might get lucky and just have a normal downpour make things miserable this time. MLB: Dodgers at New York Mets, Fox Sports West 2, 10:10 a.m.

TUESDAY

Braves reliever John Rocker has decided not to talk to the media anymore. He calls it ``payback.'' We call it four months too late. MLB: Dodgers at Atlanta, Channel 5, 4:30 p.m.

WEDNESDAY

Is Juan Gonzalez already a lame duck in Detroit despite a reported eight- year, $140-million contract on the table from the Tigers? That'd be pretty lame to pass up. That's the entire Angels payroll outside of big Mo. MLB: Detroit at Angels, Fox Sports Net, 7 p.m.

THURSDAY

If NBC had its way, this Game 2 would be Saturday at Staples Center, with Game 3 Sunday in Sacramento. It almost got it its wish. NBA playoffs: Sacramento at Lakers Game 2, Fox Sports Net, 7:30 p.m. (NBC has Sunday's Game 3 from Sacramento at 2:30 p.m.

FRIDAY

It's either this educational lesson or some Arena Football reruns. The Learning Channel trifecta: ``Sports Disasters,'' 8 p.m. and 11 p.m.; ``Gladiator Games: The Roman Bloodsport,'' 9 p.m. and midnight; ``Gladiators: The Brutal Truth,'' 10 p.m. and 1 a.m.

SATURDAY

About a year ago, announcer Jim Lampley proclaimed ``boxing's cesspool has opened up to emit an unconscionable odor'' after a draw was declared in Evander Holyfield's heavyweight title defense against Lennox Lewis at Madison Square Garden. Eight months later, Lewis took down Holyfield to claim the WBC, WBA and IBF belts. Forgive England's Lewis (35-1-1, 27 KOs) if he has the heebie-jeebies returning to the Garden for this title defense against challenger Michael Grant (31-0, 22 KOs). At least Don King isn't involved. Directly, that is. Boxing: Lennox Lewis vs. Michael Grant, pay-per-view ($44.95), 6 p.m.

SUNDAY

After eight winless weeks on the Winston Cup schedule, Jeff Gordon claimed his first victory of the season two weeks ago at Talladega. Gordo's slow start is probably due to a new crew chief, team manager, car and race-day crew. Now that it seems to be clicking, he'll have a pretty decent shot at defending his '99 Fontana title - provided he keeps that obnoxious little girl on her bicycle from drafting. NASCAR: NAPA Auto Parts 500 from Fontana, Channel 7, 11 a.m. (ESPN2 has qualifying Friday at 2:30 p.m.)

SIDEWAYS GLANCE

HERE'S ONE WAY TO STAY A-HEAD OF THE GAME

As a fashion statement, the ``Game Hat'' is a lame hat.

Given its purpose - to allow one the freedom of not bringing a glove to a game to shag foul balls - it's worth looking a little stupid.

Especially the first time after you casually flip it off to catch a screaming liner during batting practice at Dodger Stadium while everyone else is leaping in your path with their oversized pieces of leather.

San Diego Padres fan Stan Boyd, who figured out the contraption, sells and markets them out of his home in Santee. Note there's a patent - No. 5,987,648 - on the device.

``Game Hat'' differs from a normal baseball cap in two distinct ways: It has a handle on the bill to grab for support and a Velcro-attached pouch at the back that cushions the flight of the ball.

And, of course, it has the word ``Game Hat'' written across the front with a the logo of Foul Catch Inc., so you aren't going to be too inconspicuous.

Boyd's field test proved the hat will catch balls up to 70 mph. Our field test proved that it's quite reliable as well. ``Game Hat'' costs $19.95 and can be bought on the company's Web site (www.gamehat.com), by calling [phone] or by mail to Foul Catch, Inc., P.O. Box 710842, Santee, CA 92072-0842.

- Tom Hoffarth

CYBERSPORTS

VIRTUAL SPORTSCASTER DOES ALL THE TALKING, STRAIGHT OR WITH ONE-LINERS

A London-based new media company called Ananova Ltd. made quite a splash last week when it announced it was introducing the world's first virtual newscaster on the Internet (www.ananova.com).

Except it's only about two months after the first was actually launched by Woodland Hills-based 1ktvla.com and parent company V-Star Inc., which specializes in synthesized script-to-voice technology.

Both deliver a TV-type newscast via the PC, with 3-D animated talking heads doing the reports. Sports reports, however, are much more local on 1ktvla.

Mark Fields (pictured), a rather lifeless personality that can be a bit refreshing compared to some of the real clownish anchors on local L.A. television, delivers the daily sports report.

To hear him speak, a 1ktvla viewer needs to be downloaded. It can be ordered off the site (for free) and is mailed out. Otherwise, the sportscast can be read from conventional text.

Fields even has his own e-mail address: Mark(at)1KTV.com if you're into that Laura Croft-like stuff.

For the other extreme, the site also offers weekly sports headlines presented by Belch, a beer-guzzling, socially unacceptable couch slob.

A sample story from the Belchster:

``The U.S. Women's Soccer Team will become members of a brand new professional league called the Women's United Soccer Association. Soccer is just like when I'm out on a date; I only rarely use my head, and if I try to use my hands, she blows her whistle.''

Pa-rummpf

-- NBC's Olympic Web site (www.nbcolympics.com) will have chats this week with gymnast Dominique Moceanu (Tuesday at 6 p.m.) and sprinter Michael Johnson (Wednesday at 5 p.m.).

-- FreestyleDirect.com, a site created by Santa Monica-based Broadband Sports to connect fans to extreme athletes, has been launched.

- Tom Hoffarth

CAPTION(S):

3 photos, chart

Photo:

(1) Atlanta Braves reliever John Rocker

(2) no caption (the Game Hat)

(3) no caption (Mark Fields)

Chart: TV Today