THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL WILL CHYNA ENDORSE OLYMPIC TANK PLUSH TOYS?

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

They serve it up, we return it:

--Serve: In a controversial decision, Beijing is awarded the 2008 Olympic Games.

--Return: Controversy always seems to follow Chyna, even before she joined the World Wrestling Federation. That's a bunch of Istanbul.

Seriously, what about the potential for mascots? There's Clumsy the chop sticks. Andy the Giant Panda Bear. And Tankguy, to clear people out of Tiananmen Square for the closing ceremonies.

--Serve: Conspiracy theorists claim Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s win last week at the Pepsi 400 was orchestrated.

--Return: Cal Ripken Jr.'s home run at the All-Star Game? Yes. Ray Borque winning the Stanley Cup? Sure. The NBA getting Philadelphia into the Finals against the Lakers and giving MJ the first pick in the draft? Obviously.

But NASCAR? You're giving them too much credit.

--Serve: Tommy Lasorda topples backward at the All-Star Game trying to avoid being hit with a flying broken bat.

--Return: This supports a recent Caltech study that Weebles wobble yet, when frightened, do indeed fall down.

--Serve: Commissioner Bud Selig tells Jim Rome that reports of baseball buying out the Angels from Disney and merging them with Oakland ``isn't something we've taken seriously.''

--Return: Duh. No one takes the Angels seriously.

--Serve: WNBA player Lisa Harrison said she'd consider posing nude for Playboy if she wins an Internet contest naming her the ``Sexiest Babe in the WNBA.''

--Return: Forget that. Did you know Erin Buescher, the mynx from the Minnesota Lynx who is the born-again Christian out of The Masters' College in Santa Clarita, is also on the poll - and endorses it.

``I think it's cool,'' she said. ``I like being a woman and I like playing basketball. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to do both.''

OK with that, mom?

--Serve: A former Mafia hitman is coaching an Encino Little League team, and the parents are OK with it.

--Return: ``OK, listen this time: choke up, keep the elbow high and follow through ... ain't no better way to whack a wise guy.''

--Serve: Baseball is so pleased with fan voter response in Japan, the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Mexico and Venezuela, it will consider distributing ballots in Korea and Australia next year.

--Return: ``Batting eighth for the American League, second baseman, Tiger Woods ...''

--Serve: Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf are expecting a baby in December.

--Return: That critical father-child bonding period will be when both are sent on a ``time out'' for fighting over a binky.

--Serve: Three teen-agers were picked among the 22 starters in fan balloting for the upcoming Major League Soccer All-Star Game.

--Return: NBA fans would never do such a childish thing.

--Serve: The state of Louisiana wants to raise money by selling the naming rights to the Superdome.

--Return: May we suggest Rogaine?

--Serve: Wrigley Field will undergo renovations.

--Return: It won't include an escape route for drunken fans willing to steal hats from bullpen catchers.

--Serve: It's Garret Anderson bobblehead giveaway tonight to the first 20,000 at Edison Field.

--Return: He woulda been traded earlier, but now he'll be traded Sunday.

--Serve: A book coming out next month that is supposed to expose the Women's Tennis Association for allowing underhanded methods of payments to players for their appearances at specific tournaments is called ``Venus Envy.''

--Return: No such grudges exist for those of us who enjoy the benefits of living in the Anna Republic.