THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL WHO'S TEED OFF WITH WHOM?

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

The Master plan includes pitting one grumpy group known as WAMB - Women Against Martha Burk - against another groveling gathering called NCWO - the National Council of Women's Organizations.

Let the chip shots fall where they may.

Female membership to the esteemed Augusta National will be the supposed foremost trash-talking topic this week around the world's most famous pitch-and-putt event. But it's the rest of the Springer-esque sideshow that'll get some attention as well.

Unofficially, the roster assembled for somewhat-peaceful assembly this week, according to those who've officially contacted the Augusta Sheriff's Department, includes an Imperial Wizard of the American White Knights, Jesse Jackson's Rainbow/PUSH coalition, a guy from Atlanta who supports the war in Iraq, an L.A.-based gaggle called the Brotherhood Organization of a New Destiny that's anti-PUSH and, our favorites, the PARP.

That's the People Against Ridiculous Protests.

``It gets funnier every day,'' a spokesman named Deke Wiggins told the Washington Times.

``With all that's going on in the world, and what you could be protesting, some private golf club just doesn't seem very important.''

We second, third and fourth that emotion. ...

--Considering all the attention taken away from Tiger Woods and his attempt to three-peat, it's remarkable that PETA failed to get involved in this mess. ...

--Different strokes: Annika Sorenstam managed to walk off with the trophy in Tarzana without hardly a mention of her PGA quest next month. ...

--Best indication of how far men's college basketball will stretch to retain some dignity is summed up best in this annual honor Xavier's David West won this past weekend called the Senior Class Award, given to the kid who did the unthinkable and played through his final year of eligibility.

Surely that'll be all the incentive Carmelo Anthony needs to remain at Syracuse for three more seasons. ...

--The cheapest seat in the Superdome for tonight's national title fest goes for just $100, face value. And the upper-level nose-bleeders are only about 400 feet above the court. ...

--Dagnabit, we had Game 8 of the Reds' schedule as the over/under on Junior high tailin' it to the DL. ...

--Latest T-shirt slogan trying to penetrate the local market as the Lakers head to the playoffs is ``4 P L.A. Y.'' The trademark application has already been filed . . .

--Phil Jax needs more karma than an interest-free AmEx card can possibly offer ...

--Congratulations to Duke's women's basketball team for going to the Final Four at the Big Dance, but it'll twist again. The pop of Blue Devils 6-foot-3 freshman post player Mistie Bass is Ernest Evans, best known as Chubby Checker ...

--Neither the Dodgers nor Angels have a game scheduled for Memorial Day. ...

--Someone playing center field for the Dodgers with ``Romano'' on his back would make anyone wonder whether Dan Evans is filling out the roster with guys trying to get some playing time before Hollywood Stars Night. ...

--You're telling me with a straight face that if you owned a World Team Tennis franchise, you wouldn't have made Anna Kournikova your No. 1 pick? ...

--Steelers starting quarterback Tommy Maddox has a contract calling for $725,000 this coming season. His new backup, Charlie Batch, will make $1 million. ...

--When they announce today the Class of 2003 for the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame, the names of James Worthy as a player, Tex Winter as a coach and Chick Hearn as a contributor better be called off or we'll launch a stern investigation. ...

--Exclaimed St. John's Marcus Hatten after his team won the NIT this week: ``There's no better feeling.''

There's someone headed straight to middle management.