THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL TREND-SETTING MALONE RIPS IT UP.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

If the guy shoving all that junk mail through the slot in your front door is dressed a little more shabbily this afternoon, blame Al Michaels.

After watching Karl Malone's performance in a Laker tank top that was shredded behind the right shoulder - and noting that someone with some marketing savvy will probably soon be peddling ripped up No. 11 purple Laker jerseys - the ABC play-by-play man said at the end of Sunday's broadcast:

``I can only imagine in the Los Angeles area tomorrow a lot of mailmen will be delivering mail with torn uniforms.''

As if the yapping dogs that avoid the mace spray don't already contribute to that. ...

-- The Antelope Valley Bombers of the National Women's Football Association (www.avbombers.com) have one more practice scheduled for this month, Tuesday at 6 p.m. at Desert Sands Park in Palmdale, for those who dare to walk up and try out.

If not, the Women's Professional Football League (www.womensprofootball.com) has three franchises within driving distance - the Los Angeles Amazons, Long Beach Aftershocks and San Diego-based Southern California Scorpions, who are nearly ready to start their seasons but might have some spots available. ...

-- Eric Gagne says it in the current issue of Maxim, looking back on that brawl the Dodgers got into with Cubs fans at Wrigley Field after Chad Kreuter's hat was swiped:

``There were 10,000 fans trying to hit everybody. When the fans come onto the field, they should be beaten. And when players go into the stands, they should be beaten.''

-- Thinking about those suede Dodger caps given out Sunday, the Phillies have been getting some bad press for their May 2 Mother's Appreciation Day promotion.

It's not so much that they're giving out pink baseball caps. It has to do with the fact the lids go to ``women 15 and older.''

Not to encourage teen pregnancy or anything. ...

-- Igor Olshansky, a defensive tackle out of Oregon, should become the first player born in the Soviet Union to reach the NFL after the San Diego Chargers nabbed him in the second round of the draft this weekend.

``I'm happy to be a role model for Russian kids who want to play football,'' he said at a Chargers press conference Sunday. ``Get some more Slavic blood in the NFL.'' ...

-- Noting that the San Diego Padres have high-definition TV sets in the players' clubhouse and the press box at the new Petco Park - and why not, since the team televises more than 100 games in HDTV on the local cable system - ESPN's Jon Miller said: ``They even have high-definition hot dogs in the press dining room there.'' ...

-- The Padres still aren't saying what exactly happened to Rod Beck, the reliever out of Grant High in Van Nuys who saved 20 games last season to revive his career but suddenly left training camp at the beginning of March because of what was called personal health reasons.

Word is that Beck, who has been working out near his home in Arizona and visited with some teammates before Sunday's game in Phoenix, will make a few minor-league rehab assignments and return to the big leagues in mid-May. ...

-- Online voting continues through early next month at the official Web site for the U.S. Luge team (www.usaluge.org) to pick the ``greatest moment'' in the sport's history.

They've narrowed the nomination list to 11 events - or about 11 more than the average luger woulda come up with. ...

-- No confirmation if Jose Canseco's twin brother, Ozzie, was able to sell his 1990 American League championship ring on eBay.com in bidding that ended Friday. He wanted four grand for it.

The real news element to this story is that Ozzie was actually on a major-league roster at one time. ...

-- The International Hockey Federation says there'll be no NHL players at the 2006 Winter Olympics if the league is shut down starting in January because of a labor dispute.

Which implies, if we're reading into this correctly, there might actually be amateurs playing in the Olympics.