THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL TIME TO SOAK UP LOCAL CULTURE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

You'd think it's a no Twin-Win situation trying to kill a few hours waiting for the second game of the Lakers-T'wolves series. Especially if you're sequestered in the greater Minneapolis-St. Paul vicinity without the official Kirby Puckett party planner.

With a little research and even less imagination, we've found a bunch of sports-related stuff for Kobe and the kids to keep busy.

No, really.

Baseball: The small-town Twinkies, who have managed to avoid contraction another season, have a day game against the Yankees at the Giant Inflatable Indoor Humphreydome. Soak in some rays, if they make it through the Teflon roof.

Ice fishing: Gotta hurry, you betcha. Fella over at the Brainerd Guide Service says the hard white stuff is disappearing fast, and the start of the Spring Crappie Bite is comin' up. The big females comin' off spawn will probably take the dead smelt or live suckers, but since the walleye season just ended and ...

Ya know, they probably got tons of those funny Billy Bass talking things for sale at the Wal-Mart over in the Mall of America.

The Museum of Questionable Medical Devices: Part of the Science Museum in St. Paul, trainer Gary Vitti might want to double check his equipment after he inspects things such as ``The McGregor Rejuvenator'' (attempts to reverse the aging process with magnets and ultraviolet rays) and ``The Relaxacisor'' (gives electric shocks to the body through contact pads and was later declared to be ``dangerous'' by the FDA in the '70s).

The U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame: There are 107 American puckers enshrined in this facility in Eveleth, Minn., just three hours north of Minneapolis and ``in the heart of the Iron Range.''

One of the honorees is ``Peanuts'' creator Charles Schulz because he played the game in a backyard rink as a kid growing up in St. Paul.

Goes to show ya, it doesn't take much to get a little recognition around here.

Paul Bunyan's Animal Land:. In Bemidji, Minn. - only a five-hour hike north - there are more than 75 critters roaming around, including lions, tigers, bears, deer, fox, porcupines, geese, exotic birds, donkeys and goats. But no Timberwolves.

Must be a regional thing, but in other parts of the country, they refer to these kinds of places as a ``zoo.''

The Spam Museum: There's no admission charge for this destination spot in Austin, Minn., two hours south of Minneapolis. Spam, of course, can be formed into many different sporting equipment. Such as fish bait.

Don't forget a tasty tour of the nearby Hormel meat packing plant, where they make the actual food-stuff. Maybe you'll be there the day they boil pigs in the big vat.

Kinda smells like the T'wolves' chances of advancing to the second round right about now ...

--Just the vision of Will Ferrell as drunk streaker Frank ``The Tank'' in ``Old School'' should cause enough panic among Boston Marathon officials who know that the ``Saturday Night Live'' guy and actress/wife Viveca Paulin are signed up for today's Beantown foot tour. ...

--Bernie Mac starts shooting this summer for the flick ``Mr. 3,000'' - he's a Milwaukee Brewers player who retires with 3,000 hits only to return a few years later because a statistical error reveals he's three hits short of the magic mark.

That oughta be enough to scare Robin Yount into double-checking all his box scores. ...

--``This is like a waste of a year,'' Detroit Red Wings star Chris Chelios declared after his team was swept under the rug by the Almighty Ducks.

Sorry, but the Kings already have a copyright on that phrase to use for their 2002-03 season highlight video.