THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL THE CONUNDRUM OF CONTRACTION.Byline: TOM HOFFARTH Anyone who's been through the degrading process of corporate downsizing knows it ain't pretty. It punishes the innocent with an insulting severance package, a box of Kleenex, and the order to pack your stuff in a cardboard box and follow the escort to your car. It stinks. Welcome to the real world, baseball. All this no-win Darwinian talk sounds pretty serious as Bud Selig plays his own version of ``The Weakest Link.'' Minnesota, Montreal ... goodbye. Contrived contraction, what's your reaction? Sorry, Jimmy Hoffa, but we say it's a great idea. Long overdue. Even Bob Costas would agree with that. And once baseball figures out the rules, what's to keep other pro sports leagues from subtracting by two? Baseball's decision is actually pretty simple. Lop off le Expos and the Devil Rays, if only because of their nicknames. Leave Minnesota alone. They're still reeling over the Lakers thing from 40 years ago, and it isn't fair to the memory of Zolio Versalles. In the other major pro sports, we see contractibilty as a necessary evil, too. --NFL: First of all, Houston shouldn't even be allowed in next season on principle. Bribery shouldn't be rewarded. Next, give Carolina back to the Appalachians. And while you're at it, tell Oakland to walk the plank to walk along a plank laid across the bulwark of a ship, until one overbalances it and falls into the sea; - a method of disposing of captives practiced by pirates. to walk off the plank into the water and be drowned; - an expression derived from the practice of pirates who extended a . What's Al Davis gonna do, sue? --NBA: At last, we lift anchor on the Clippers and send them adrift. You can only show unfulfilled promise so many years in a row. Besides, no real celebrities go to their games anyway. Before anyone undergoes any board-certified procedure for breast augmentation, liposculpture lip·o·sculp·ture n. Liposuction that uses ultrasound to break fat into small sections before removal. , blepharoplasty Blepharoplasty Definition Blepharoplasty is a cosmetic surgical procedure that removes fat deposits, excess tissue, or muscle from the eyelids to improve the appearance of the eyes. , collagen injection, endoscopic brow lifts, cosmetic dentistry, Lasik surgery, colon hydrotherapy, laser-hair removal or aroma message to correct sweating armpits, they must sign a consent form that prohibits them from wearing anything but purple and gold under their black leather. Sorry Donald. It's too late to even offer fans unlimited mobile to mobile inside Staples Center. (Besides, this is a team that went ahead with a Lamar Odom bobblehead giveaway Saturday even though he was out serving a drug suspension. Explain that one to the kids.) With them, the Memphis Grizzlies must march. --NHL: They're actually still mumbling mum·ble v. mum·bled, mum·bling, mum·bles v.tr. 1. To utter indistinctly by lowering the voice or partially closing the mouth: mumbled an insincere apology. about expanding into Houston and Portland. Stop. Please. The Ducks were never FDA FDA abbr. Food and Drug Administration FDA, n.pr See Food and Drug Administration. FDA, n.pr the abbreviation for the Food and Drug Administration. approved for human consumption. Watching a game at the Pond is about as thrilling as ``An Evening With Bea Arthur.'' The Almighty team ain't so mighty after all. Nor will lightning strike down anyone who decides to melt away Tampa Bay. The only news this team has been able to generate is an essay contest for fans who have the best sob story as to why they didn't get a bobblehead doll of goalie Nikolai Khabibulin. Send this team five-hole. Once those leagues are sliced and diced, it's easy to see how this could work with other sports. For the Olympic Games, pick among rhythmic gymnastics, synchronized swimming, skeet shooting skeet shooting Shooting sport using moving targets. Marksmen use shotguns to shoot at clay targets (pigeons) hurled into the air by spring devices called traps. It differs from trapshooting in that skeet traps are set at two points on the field and targets may be thrown , handball handball Any of a variety games in which a small rubber ball is struck against a wall with the hand or fist. It can be played in a three- or four-walled court or against a single wall by two or four players (in singles or doubles games, respectively). , equestrian and pin trading. Each are as compelling as Tony Danza on ``Family Law.'' As for Major League Soccer - there's an entire league that can be vaporized va·por·ize tr. & intr.v. va·por·ized, va·por·iz·ing, va·por·iz·es To convert or be converted into vapor. va without an audible outcry. And in tennis, would anyone miss Anna Kournikova? Wait, let's rephrase re·phrase tr.v. re·phrased, re·phras·ing, re·phras·es To phrase again, especially to state in a new, clearer, or different way. that. |
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