THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL THE COMEDY CONTINUES.

Byline: Tom Hoffarth

Picking up the phone in his office Sunday night, Elgin Baylor puts his finger in the holes of the rotary dial and gets his boss on the line.

The Donald T. Sterling answers.

Baylor: Whazzzzzzup?

Sterling: EBay?

Baylor: Whatcha doin'?

Sterling: Watchin' the game. Whatcha doin'?

Baylor: Watchin' the game . . . our game, right?

Sterling: (sound in background of him fumbling for remote control) Uh, right

. . . say, whatta think of Ray Romano's chances of winning at Pebble Beach?

Baylor: Whatta think about us losing to the Chicago Bulls?

Sterling: Hey, whatta gonna do when you're up against MJ? Just tell Chris everything'll be all right. Have him meet me in my office tomorrow morning. I have some landfill in Pacoima I'd like him to consider going in as a partner.

Baylor: Chris Ford?

Sterling: Uh huh.

Baylor: He's back in Boston.

Sterling: You said we were playing Chicago.

Baylor: We fired Chris the other day. He went home. Our coach is . . . lemme see . . .

Sterling: Chris went home? He doesn't have a home here? I didn't sell him a home here?

Baylor: . . . Todd . . .

Sterling: Does he have a home here?

Baylor: Jim Todd.

Sterling: I know a guy at the Friars Club named Jim Todd. A restroom attendant. Same guy?

Baylor: Might be.

Sterling: What about him?

Baylor: He's our coach. And these Bulls have the worst record in the league.

Sterling: We don't?

Baylor: We will now.

Sterling: Cool. So what's the problem?

Baylor: Nuthin', I guess. Just wondering . . .

Sterling: Yeah?

Baylor: You wanna make any more changes? You got any ideas? . . . You have a stinkin' clue?

Sterling: What was that last question?

Baylor: You wanna get together for a game of ``Clue'' later?

Sterling: Can't. I'm off to a charity auction. We're trying to raise money to get the homeless off the streets around my neighborhood.

Baylor: Well, you are the great humanitarian.

Sterling: Oh, stop. I'm blushing.

Baylor: And I'm flushing . . . We need to decide on a permanent coach.

Sterling: There is no such beast in this business, lad. Go to the resumes on Retread.com. I got it bookmarked here. Let's see . . . Fitzsimmons, Shue, Carlisimo . . . I thought you knew about the NBA. You played, right?

Baylor: This guy Todd is about to be 0-2 against two really nasty teams.

Sterling: I thought we were the worst.

Baylor: Your point is?

Sterling: Aim low. No one expects us to win, right?

Baylor: Right about now, no.

Sterling: So your point is?

Baylor: (Long pause) I want out of my contract.

Sterling: You want to be the coach?

Baylor: You hear me, I want out of this. This whole stinkin' mess. You know that my reputation in this town is worse than the LAPD? And people here don't even care how messed up we are anymore. I'm laughed at whenever I go to these GM meetings. I gotta hang out with Zeke so people stop pointing their finger and start feeling sorry for me. This has all gotta stop, man. You gotta invest some money, quality money, into building this team. We've got millions worth of talent waiting to make millions for you. I got the players. Now it's time to go out and get a quality coach who can teach these kids how to play on the big stage and keep them from leaving. DTS, you gotta step aside and let people who know the game get this franchise out of the gutter. We have a foundation here. We gotta stop being looked at as clowns.

Sterling: Sorry . . . missed the first part of that . . . bad connection. Did you say Larry Brown is available to coach?

Baylor: He's coaching another team.

Sterling: Oh, right, like that's gonna last long. Give him a call. Give him a `whazzzup' from me.

Baylor: Did you hear anything I just said?

Sterling: And keep up the good work, EBay. And don't forget, everyone in this town knows your name. That's what's important. (click)

Baylor: That's what O.J. said.

SURFING THE TUBETODAY

Great day in the mornin' . . . if the weather cooperates. Like the mechanic who threw open the trunk of the car and found a full spare, we've got bonus coverage from Pebble Beach right in the middle of a workday. CBS promises to be there to cover it, pushing back ``The Guiding Light'' and ``One Life to Live'' to bring the final-round soap opera from Pebble Beach. (Which reminds us: The Dodgers' Eric Karros appears on ABC's ``Port Charles'' Tuesday at 11 a.m.) PGA: Pebble Beach Pro-Am, final round, Channel 2, 1 p.m.

TUESDAY

The difference between skiboarding and snowboarding? Who do we look like, Bob Beattie? Learning about the subtleties in slightly different break- neck disciplines are what watching extreme sports can do for you. There's plenty of chances this week to get up to speed, depending on which network you deem cooler. Winter X Games from Mt. Snow, Vt., final day, ESPN, 6 p.m. and ESPN2, 9 p.m. (Also: NBC's taped coverage of the Winter Gravity Games from Mammoth Mountain airs Saturday from 1 to 3 p.m. and Sunday from noon to 2 p.m.)

WEDNESDAY

Remember those classic confrontations between Kevin Garnett and Kobe Bryant in college? Oh, sure, just like the days when USC vs. UCLA didn't mean anything. NCAA: USC at UCLA, FSN2, 7:30 p.m.; NBA: Minnesota at Lakers, FSN, 7:30 p.m.

THURSDAY

There's a contest out there by this PGA Tour stop's sponsor to guess the third- and fourth-round scores by Tiger Woods and win a new car. Neither Tiger nor Casey Martin are eligible. The Buick Invitational, USA Network, 3 p.m. (tape delayed.) USA also has Friday's second round while CBS picks up the final two rounds Saturday and Sunday at noon. Also: The Golf Channel covers the LPGA Los Angeles Women's Championship from Simi Valley's Wood Ranch on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.FRIDAYThe Kings return from the All-Star break with games against division foes the Mighty Ducks, Phoenix and, here, defending Stanley Cup champion Dallas. Oh, and the Stars are 7-0-3 against the Kings in the last 10 meetings. NHL: Dallas at Kings, FSN, 6:30 p.m.

SATURDAY

Since it's all about individuality and creativity over team play, we're not fooling anyone here: The slam-dunk contest Saturday was always the highlight of the NBA's All-Star weekend. And now that it's back, it'll be the only thing in Oakland worth watching, with Vince Carter, Tracy McGrady and Steve Francis coming in as the favorites. Kobe was the last champ in '97 before they stopped doing it, and he declined an invite at coach Phil Jackson's suggestion. Meaning, in Sunday's game, Kobe will turn it loose for Phil's Western Conference team. With or without a screen from Karl Malone. NBA All-Star Saturday, TNT, 5 p.m. (NBC has the NBA All-Star Game from Oakland on Sunday at 3 p.m.)

SUNDAY

Last chance to improve that RPI, or else the Bruins will quietly RIP. UCLA at Syracuse, Channel 2, 10 a.m.THE TOP SHELF

THE `X' FACTOR IN A BRAVE, NEW LEAGUE

What others have been writing about the Vince McMahon-proposed XFL, an extreme pro football league scheduled to start next year that should take on many of the characteristics of his World Wrestling Federation:

--Ann Killion, San Jose Mercury News: ``I think it's a terrific idea . . . This week, when an NFL star has been charged in a double homicide and two others are being investigated for drug trafficking, who doesn't need something extreme in their football world? . . . Besides, it's about time Lawrence Phillips got a new job.''

--George Diaz, The Orlando Sentinel: ``At least McMahon's thugs are just a bunch of oversized jabronis looking to spice up an antiseptic game by flexing their marketing muscles. With (NFL commissioner Paul) Tagliabue's goons, the stranglehold you see is real, documented in police blotters throughout America.''

--Ray Ratto, San Francisco Examiner: ``The smart money is to side with the money here. But if Vince were to spend a little time cultivating Al (Davis), and Al seemed receptive and started talking about suing the NFL for restraint of face paint . . . now there's a catered apocalypse if ever there was one.''

--Scott Fowler, The Charlotte Observer: ``Once again, McMahon thinks he knows what the people want. He is implying that they want a pro football league far more racy and more violent than the NFL. Please don't let him be right.''

- Compiled by Tom Hoffarth'NOTHER DAY, 'NOTHER NEW BRAND NAME

Banking on the backing of ESPN.com and its parent Disney-created GO.com network, a very sleek and impressive Web site aimed to pleasing those who dare test the limits of sport launched last week in Beta form with the address expn.go.com.

The launch is in concert with ESPN and ESPN2's coverage of the Winter X Games.

``EXPN will allow users to imbue the site with their own voice, molding and shaping it as they see fit,'' said George McQuistion, the site's general manager.

For example, one will be able to upload photos or video of themselves doing crazy things, and it might be used on a new monthly program on ESPN2 called ``EXPN 2Day.''

The target audience: Those 60 million in the U.S. between ages 12 and 24, more than half of which are classified as ``action sports participants'' by ESPN research data.

The site gets a jump on a similar site called ExtremeSports.com, which is working toward a launch this spring.

--Progress on the reconstruction of Dodger Stadium can be seen through a new batch of photos on the team's Web site (www.dodgers.com). The team will soon release information about the public sale of stadium seats that had to be removed from the club level to make room for new luxury boxes.

--Wayne Gretzky will be involved in the launch of another Web site, this one called Faceoff.com that debuts later this month and offers statistical coverage of more than 20 pro hockey leagues. It will also have a convenient link to his sporting goods site MVP.com.

--ABC's Enhanced TV attracted 650,000 users during its Super Bowl coverage last week, the network says. The average user stayed on for 42 minutes. Minutes after kickoff, the site was registering 1,000 connections per minute.

According to The Lycos 50 for the week ending Jan. 29, the Super Bowl was the fifth most popular phrase searched for on the Internet, behind Pokemon, Britney Spears, Dragonball Z and the WWF.

--Marla Messing, president and CEO of the 1999 FIFA Women's World Cup, has joined Broadband Sports in Santa Monica as a vice president of partner marketing. Broadband produces player Web sites at AthletesDirect.com.

- Tom Hoffarth

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Photo: Toronto's Vince Carter