THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL SWEPT AWAY IN SYDNEY.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

My first Olympic ticket arrived last week. It was attached to the windshield wiper of my car. The City of Los Angeles' parking-enforcement department delivered it personally.

Ya see, every Wednesday the street sweeper comes around sometime between 8 a.m. and noon. Signs are all over the place so you can be sure to get out of the way when it comes hauling around the corner, knockin' over trash cans with brushes ablazin'.

I know this. I consciously do not park on the street Wednesday mornings.

Except last week, I did. Because I thought it was Tuesday. But it was really Wednesday.

It's the Olympics' fault. And NBC's. And Dick Ebersol's.

And that's the excuse I'm using when I contest this $40 ticket. If it works, I'll letcha know. . . .

--The problem with the U.S. gymnasts: They tried triple lutzes, half Nelsons and full Heimlichs. Olympic judges just aren't ready for those crossover moves yet. . . .

--Someone needs to tell Gary Hall Jr. and Anthony Ervin there isn't a such thing as synchronized 50-meter freestyle. . . .

--Stories like Eric ``The Eel'' Moussamban rate better than ones about drugged-up Chinese swimmers. But neither belong in the Olympics. . . .

--It's about time Michael Johnson stops running on that giant cell phone and gets down to business in the 400. . . .

--Tommy Lasorda's opinion of the kangaroos? Taste just like linguini. . . .

--``GOOOOOOOOAAALLL!!'' is oooooold. . . .

--Now that Patrick Ewing has escaped New York for Seattle, look at all the East Coast writers finally conceding that the power in the league resides in the West.

Thanks for the update. . . .

--Do the Kings' fans have to take the ``C'' off their Rob Blake jerseys, too? . . .

--That clubbing of Donald Brashear last February might have looked criminal, but it shouldn't have led to a criminal proceeding, which begins today for Marty McSorley in a Vancouver courtroom. . . .

--``It's the Battle of the Palouse,'' said Idaho linebacker Rick Giampietri after the Vandals outlasted Washington State 34-38 in Pullman, Wash., on Saturday. ``It's what you live to play for.''

Well, that clears up that whole meaning-of-life issue. . . .

--The new Major League Bull Riding league won't have a franchise in L.A. among its eight teams. Rats. . . .

--If Sheriff Malone did make managerial overtures to Kevin Kennedy, all the better. . . .

--Highly photogenic fledgling actress Alison Dunbar - don't worry, she hasn't been in anything - reports in the latest issue of FHM magazine that her ``most L.A. experience'' was when ``a dirtball owner of a certain pro sports team . . . used to always come into the bar I was working and hit on me.''

After refusing to take no for an answer, this sports czar would continue to ask her, ``Don't you know who I am?'' and eventually brought his W-2 tax statement in to prove his identity.

``I called him a retard and that was the last I saw of him,'' she said.

So who's the owner? Oh, it's so obvious. It's just so disappointing. You'd think Peter O'Malley woulda had a better pickup line. . . .