THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL PUT THIS ONE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

He managed to scarf down a dozen stale-wrapped wienies in 12 minutes - according to our math, that's about one every century - and that's supposed to make William ``The Defrosting Refrigerator'' Perry a favorite in next month's annual Hot Dog Eating contest at Coney Island?

Friends, Matthew Perry could top that with mustard and relish tied behind his back.

The record of 50 1/2 set last year by that 130-pound kid from Japan might have been controversial, but doggone it, it makes 12 look like cocktail franks. Perry is well out of his league here.

However, if the 400-pound-plus former NFL folk hero is bent on making an idiot of himself this summer, we've got plenty of other legit competitions coming up in the next few months that might better whet his appetite:

--The World Bog Snorkeling Championships: The 18th annual event in Llanwrtyd Wells, Wales, on Aug. 25 makes every competitor put on a wet suit and snorkel, plunge into the dank sludge covered with peat moss and other filth and complete two laps around the 60-yard channel. Last year's winner did it in 1 minute, 45.22 seconds.

This two-minute drill shouldn't be much of a challenge unless the big guy stops to devour some newts along the way. Say, can you get monkeypox from this?

--The World Pillow Fighting Championship: On the Fourth of July in Sonoma County, you straddle a slippery pole suspended over a pit of mud and are given a wet feather pillow to flail around with.

Just pretend it's an offensive lineman across from you.

--The World Free Fall Competition: Held each August at Quincy Airfield in Illinois. The faster you fall out of the plane, the better you score points.

Gravity is your friend, Fridge.

--Underwater Hockey Nationals: Scheduled for this weekend at the George Mason University Aquatic and Fitness Center in Washington, D.C. It's not like he'd have to wear any weights to keep himself on the bottom of the pool. Make him the goalie, and it's game over.

--The World Wife Carrying Championships: Each man is required to carry a wench (or even his better half) through a 250-meter course during the Fourth of July weekend in Sonkajarvi, Finland.

Considering he went through a messy divorce recently, this would be a natural place to work on new pick-up lines.

--The National Amateur Dodgeball Association Outdoor Championships: Not far from his Chicago digs on July 25-26 at the Schaumburg Rec Center in Illinois. As long as he's the thrower instead of the throwee.

--The Summer Redneck Games: July 5 in East Dublin, Ga. Technically, he might face a DQ 'round these good ol' Southerners. But if he could get into the Mud Pit Belly Flop - going stomach-first into a pool of red clay with the sole intention of making the biggest splash - they'd have to rethink the Super Bowl Shuffle.

--The World Championship Rotary Tiller Races: The gentleman who set the record last year at the Purple Hull Pea Festival in Emerson, Ark., tore down the 200-foot dirt track in 6.34 seconds. Even more impressive is he did it while adhering to rule 3 of the official bylaws: ``All racers must wear shoes.''

Not only can Fridge do shoes, he'd probably get a sneaker endorsement out of it.

--The International Federation of Competitive Eating circuit: It'll probably come back to this, which makes sense when your nickname is a large kitchen appliance that stores vittles.

According to the organization's Web site (www.ifoce.com), the gorging games up for grabs this summer include chicken eggs (July, in Nebraska), cabbage (August, in Alaska), conch fritters (September, in Key West, Fla.), corned beef hash (September in Massachusetts) and the all-you-can-eat buffet (September, in Las Vegas).

With the last one, there's sure to be a sports book willing to give Fridge pretty good eatin' odds. As long as it's not dogs.