THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL NOT THAT ANYONE ASKED ...

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Questions that turn our minds to mush:

--If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, does that automatically make it an Olympic sport?

--Why the trampoline but not Texas Hold 'Em?

--Why the modern pentathlon but not mountain unicycling?

--Why rhythmic gymnastics but not racquetball or rugby or general roughhousing?

--Why synchronized diving but not karaoke singing?

--Why water polo but not water ballet?

--Why Ping-Pong but not pogo sticking?

--Why handball but not hot-dog eating?

--Why equestrian but not horse-shoe pitching?

--Why judo but not juggling?

--Is Ritalin a banned drug in race walking?

--Is winning the trap shoot a crapshoot?

--How bad can badminton get?

--How many gold medals have the Swedish Bikini Team piled up?

--Why is it the first thing the Olympic swimmers do when they get out of the pool is gulp down a bottle of water?

--Would it be fair to say all the millionaire members of the U.S. men's basketball team, 2-2 after its first four games, are charter members of the Fortune .500?

--When would it get the most attention for Deion Sanders to announce he's trying out for the 2008 U.S. Olympic basketball team?

--What does it say about what a gold medal is worth when Michael Phelps can win one for doing nothing Saturday, and the U.S. men's basketball team will probably not get one just for showing up?

--When was the last time any country was ever afraid of losing an athletic event to Angola?

--Should it be a real surprise, considering what the men's hoops have done, that the Del Harris-coached and Yao Ming-led Chinese team is also struggling?

--When they say they're celebrating in Iraq over the soccer team's success by shooting guns in the air, how does anyone differentiate that from the status quo?

--Doesn't the giant torch in the Olympic Stadium look like a prop from a Cheech and Chong movie?

--Do they spike the soft drinks with ouzo at the Olympic beach volleyball venue?

--Is it OK if we're not caught up in the Carly Patterson hoopla and are drawn more to the mysterious Svetlana Khorkina?

--Is it too obscure to mention that German gold-medal rower Katrin Rutschow-Stomporowski bears an uncanny resemblance to Carrot Top?

--Wouldn't it be something if she ever got married to Olympic swimmer Pieter van den Hoogenband? Then her name would be ... you figure it out.

--Is it unsettling to male fans of the U.S. women's softball team to know that hardly anyone gets to first base these days against Jenny Finch?

--If I told you a potential Olympic event of korfball was my new favorite sport to watch, would you believe me?

--Where's the justice when the idiot who ran past security and dove into the Olympic pool wearing a tutu is sentenced to five months in jail, but the loon who ran past security and drove a knife into Monica Seles' back in Germany got no jail time?

--What's the Greek word for ``no show''?

--Does Eric Karros, released last month by the Oakland A's, now regret not accepting an invitation to play for the Greek Olympic baseball team?

--Ever seen an ancient Olympic athlete naked?

--Anyone else notice that the Olympic flame atop the L.A. Coliseum is normally lit during these two weeks every four years, but for some reason it isn't?

--Whatever happened to Willow Bay?

--Does Rick Fox have a shot at joining the cast of ``Boston Public?'' Is the show still on? Can he still use Vanessa Williams as a reference?

--In any other Galaxy, would Sigi Schmid be able to keep his job?

--Does Shawn Green really look like the kind of guy who'd have a song that included ``Whoo Hooo'' playing in his car stereo, let alone approve it to be played on the Dodger Stadium loud speakers every time he comes to bat?

--Has Jose Canseco cleared waivers yet?

--Did you know they're selling ``Heat 32'' jerseys at the Team L.A. Store on Universal City Walk? Did you know Shaquille O'Neal still has an investment in that store?

--If we told you the sure bet in the ninth race today at Del Mar is an eight-year-old thoroughbred named Waki American, ridden by Corey Nakatiani and co-owned by Paul Lo Duca, would you consider giving us a cut of your winnings?

CAPTION(S):

7 photos, box

Photo:

(1) There's no word on whether German rower Katrin Rutschow-Stomporowski dials down the center when making a collect call.

Alexander Zemlianichenko

(2) no caption (George Bush)

(3) NATALIE COUGHLIN

(4) PAUL HAMM

(5) GARRY HALL JR.

(6) no caption (Frank McCourt)

(7) - Australian shot putter Justin Anlezark, on competing at the ancient grounds at Olympia. The event was won by the Ukraine's Yuriy Bilonog, left.

Box:

Sunday PUNCH

- Tom Hoffarth