THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL NAME OF GAME: AVOID TROUBLE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

There's that oft-quoted line by Shakespeare from ``Romeo and Juliet'' about what's in a name, smelling like a rose, all that iambic pentameter fiddle faddle. Which doesn't easily translate into today's cultural mish-mash until you consider the damage that Dee Brown is about to inflict on his kid.

The former Boston Celtics guard and current ESPN NBA analyst is expecting a baby boy next month. Reportedly, after consulting with his wife, Tammy, he has already picked out a name.

Anakin Walker Brown. You know, after the character in ``Star Wars.''

``He might as well have a sign on his back that says, `Kick Me Hard,' '' replied TNT NBA analyst Kenny Smith when told of this young lad's predicament.

Holy light sabers. Jar Jar Brown wasn't catchy enough? Dee-3PO was too esoteric?

According to the Social Security Administration, which keeps track of such things while it still has government funding, the most popular male names bestowed last year were, in order: Jacob, Michael, Joshua, Matthew, Ethan, Andrew, Daniel, William, Joseph and Christopher. For some reason, Anakin didn't crack the top 1,000 - not for last year, not in the last decade, not even in a galaxy long, long ago, according to the SSA database.

It's such a tricky thing, really. Some pin a tail on a donkey with as much forethought as pinning a name on a person. Or a horse. Or a university's sports team. It has to fit on so many levels, not offend those who are easily offended, stand for something that needs to be stood for, be easy enough to remember, different enough to stand out from the crowd of other smelly pre-schoolers, avoid trendiness and pretentiousness, be a little mysterious, and in no way able to rhyme with ``Porgie.''

Those who get to pick names for thoroughbred horses always seem to be the most creative. There are some 435,000 names in use or protected by the American Stud Book, according to the Jockey Club Registry. Anakin and Anakin Skywalker have already been claimed. Luke Skywalker, Darth, Darth Bader and Darth Vada are taken, too, but Darth Vader seems to be available for the extreme black beauty.

Scot Waterman, the executive director of the Racing Medication and Testing Consortium, recently named his new colt Summer of George, after an episode of ``Seinfeld'' where George Costanza discovers that he's due enough severance pay from the Yankees after he leaves his front-office job that he can take the next three months off, calling it his ``Summer of George.''

It's hardly the first time a ``Seinfeld'' reference has been put on a thoroughbred. Others registered include Vandalay, Hello Newman, Serenity Now and, for a gelding that has won more than $200,000, Nosupeforyou.

The Jockey Club's Rick told the Associated Press: ``Pop culture is the impetus behind many thoroughbred names. The `Seinfeld'-related names are especially entertaining because of the widespread popularity of the show.''

Marquette University found out the hard way about naming etiquette when it tried to give its sports teams a new moniker without consulting the Milwaukee masses.

In 1993, under direction from the university president, it dropped the nickname Warriors, in deference to Native American Indians. The name Golden Eagles was adopted. Last year, an alum said he would pledge $2 million to the school if it went back to Warriors by the time Marquette joined the Big East Conference in 2005-06.

Very tempting, but the Board of Trustees decided against that. It did, however, entertain new nickname submissions because it felt Golden Eagles ``did not generate a strong sense of pride of identity.'' Earlier this month before anyone knew what was happening, it announced the new nickname would be Gold.

``That's not a mascot, that's a color,'' 21-year-old accounting student Jaime Bohte told the Associated Press, apparently not aware of the Stanford Cardinal.

``Aw, I got to call in on that one,'' Miami Heat guard and Marquette alum Dwayne Wade told ESPN when he heard of it. ``The Gold? No, I got to make a phone call to Marquette.''

So much negative response sparked a new nickname selection process, taking it to an online poll to let the ``Marquette community'' decide to either stay with Golden Eagles or select among these submissions: Blue and Gold, Explorers, Golden Avalanche, Golden Knights, Hilltoppers, Saints, Spirit, Voyagers, Wolves or a write-in candidate - but not Warriors (or any variation of the word) or (for some reason) Jumpin' Jesuits.

Among the hundreds of names submitted but somehow failed to make the cut: Acadaemions, Acolytes, Al McGuires, Algonquins, Amblin' Amoebas, Apollonians, Armadillo, Assuagers, Astrals and Avenging Angels.

And those are just the A's. Which, if you'll note, didn't include the Anakins.

On a variation of Anakin, what about Annika (as in the golfer Sorenstam) or Danica (as in the race car driver Patrick). Sure, they're girl's names, but think ahead of the curve here. John Wayne was born Marion Morrison.

Susan and Lee Patterson of Decatur, Ga., longtime golfers who became fans from afar of Sorenstam, brought a daughter into the world in July 2001 named Annika Wright Patterson.

``We told people that's where we got the name (from Sorenstam),'' Susan Patterson recently told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. ``It is kind of kooky that she's named after a person we've never met in our life. Thank goodness she turned out to be a stand-up person and not an ax murderer.''

Just to double check, who does Anakin Walker grow up to be again? May the resourcefulness to run very fast be with Anakin Walker Brown.

CAPTION(S):

5 photos, box

Photo:

(1) Danica Patrick, left, laughs it up with David Letterman, who also owns the IRL team she races for, on a recent ``Late Show'' episode.

J.P. Filo/Associated Press

(2) ALEX RODRIGUEZ

(3) JEFF GORDON

(4) MIKE REMLINGER

(5) - San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker, on whether his teammates tease him about having ``Desperate Housewives'' star Eva Longoria (pictured) as his steady squeeze. The relationship between Parker, 23, and Longoria, 30, is no longer a secret - Longoria is in a new NBA ``I Love This Game!'' TV spot, wearing Parker's jersey, and in bed kissing the NBA championship trophy.

Box:

SUNDAY PUNCH

- Tom Hoffarth

- Rich Hammond