THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL LET'S KEEP IT DOWN TO A DULL ROAR.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

This could get ugly. Bitter beer-face kinda ugly.

Both sides will go with the same-old rhetoric. Records don't matter, it's for the city championship, it's all about bragging rights, when families divide and lines are drawn in the neighborhood, you gotta change the oil in the car every 3,000 miles . . .

Yadda, yadda, yadda. Sis boom blah.

It's really tough to listen to all that stuff when the game really doesn't deserve any mention beyond the linescore.

The non-loser of Saturday's USC-UCLA football game will have achieved nothing. Too late to save face. Way past time to regain an ounce of dignity.

These two teams haven't been on a collision course, they've been test dummies for the rest of the Pac-10.

Time to give it a rest.

If the best way to resolve this annual grudge match is to play it on a video game and call in the results to the newspaper and local TV stations, we'd all be fine with that. Or take it to the bowling alley and settle it over a few beers.

It'll be the closest to a bowl either of them deserve to be this week.

So, for everyone's sake, until the kickoff is actually decided, just lay low this week, OK? Maybe no one will notice. . . .

--``Hello . . . excuse me? . . . what's that about Prince Albert? . . . yes, my refrigerator is running . . . I'm sorry, Mr. Malone, but you've got the wrong number again.'' . . .

--A better way for the Screen Actors Guild to punish Eldrick than with a $100,000 fine would be to force him to drive a Buick for as long as he's living and breathing. . . .

--And then, if the PGA really wanted to punish the kid for spouting off about how he's treated unfairly, it could just force him off the Tour.

(That suggestion comes, by the way, from Ernie Els). . . .

--Some knucklehead spent almost $6,000 in an auction of some old Milwaukee County Stadium junk over the weekend to get the locker that once belonged to Robin Yount. . . .

--If you're scorin' at home, it's PhilJax 2, Isaiah's excuses 0. . . .

--Does Slick Watts get residuals for all the headbands worn by NBA players these days? . . .

--On the transaction wire, D. Strawberry applied for free agency. Ironically, while he was in jail. . . .

--We could tell you the Harlem Globetrotters' performance in the new Adam Sandler flick ``Little Nicky'' was their most Oscar-worthy since the made-for-TV docudrama ``The Harlem Globetrotters On Gilligan's Island.''

But that'd mean we'd have to pay for a ticket and actually see the Sandler performance, too. . . .

--The Globbies actually play a ``real game'' against Michigan State today (ESPN2 shows it at 4 p.m.).

That's gonna come back to haunt the Spartans' RPI. . . .

--My, how Georgia Frontiere's team is dropping. Time for another face- lift. . . .

--Rich Gannon, MVP. . . .

--By hiring Jim Tracy as skipper and adding Jim Riggleman as a coach, the Dodgers are doing a jim-dandy job of trying to blend in with the other run-of-the-mill franchises.

The O'Malley family must be proud.

Only way around it now is hiring Orel Hershiser as the throwin' coach. . . .

--A maid-to-order filly named Shirley Booth won the feature race the other day at Hollywood Park, the third win in five starts for the 4-year- old.

Don't know what color she is, but our guess is hazelnut.