THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL LACROSSE ISN'T A CROSS WE'RE WILLING TO BEAR.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Like the latest strain of the West Nile virus, an agitated swarm of African Killer Bees and the construction of another Wal-Mart, lacrosse must be eradicated before it permeates any more neighborhood parks in Southern California.

The first question that's bound to cross your mind if you happen to be accosted by someone trying to push this snooty East Coast-rooted prep schoolyard activity as the newest hip, hot, happening sport is: Why?

Lacrosse is a pretentious cross between hockey and hokey. It's NASCAR paint swapping with reinforced butterfly nets and face cages. It's an excuse to practice police baton submission techniques while propelling a croquet ball at a goalie that only wishes he'd be allowed to wear at least a pair of shin guards before he develops any more welts.

Anyone who wanted to do some cross checking on their own could have dropped $35 for a midfield seat at the frigid Home Depot Center in Carson on Saturday night to experience the magic of something called the inaugural ``First 4 Lacrosse Invitational.'' Traditional Division I college powerhouses Notre Dame, Syracuse, North Carolina and Georgetown were invited to travel cross-country to: a) introduce it to Californians as an alternative to full-contact surfing and b) pound each other without facing criminal prosecution under California's more lenient laws.

Between teeth chattering from the fog that rolled in and teeth rattling from the wicker wacks delivered across the grill, it was an event only a well-paid orthodontist or a displaced alum could enjoy.

Apparently, this is just the apex of a slippery slope. That crazy bunch at AEG, trying to make ends meet since the Kings' season has been flushed, have bought into something called Major League Lacrosse and will financially support a Los Angeles franchise starting with the 2006 season.

Consider yourself warned.

``At a time when more Southern Californians than ever are following and playing the sport of lacrosse, we couldn't be more pleased to bring to Los Angeles and the Home Depot Center a Major League Lacrosse franchise,'' said Tim Leiweke, the point man for everything the otherwise astute Anschutz group does.

It should be pointed out that this is also a time when more Southern Californians than ever are driving cars. The freeway arteries once engineered to get people from the Home Depot Center and the downtown Staples Center within a calendar month are already too darn congested.

L.A. is one of four West Coast targets for the exuberant expansion dreams of the MLL and commissioner - get this - Jake Steinfeld, the same ``Body By Jake'' infomercial fitness freak who made his name as the price- gauging trainer to the stars. What little transplanted lacrosse community there already is in L.A. is just asking to be seduced into the false hope of a big-time popularity by a fast-talking, loud-mouth New Yorker who has set up shop here.

We're already familiar with Jake's body of work. We're not pumped up.

If Steinfeld is the new poster boy for lacrosse, Jim Brown remains the sport's biggest name, which ought to tell you something. When he was recruited to Syracuse for a lacrosse scholarship in the early 1950s, he double-crossed the school and gravitated to this other sport on campus that led to his becoming the greatest running back in NFL history.

Brendan Shanahan may now be the sport's more recognized player. Sort of. The Detroit Red Wings star put down his hockey stick when the NHL shut down and has threatened to play this season for the Toronto Rock, a team he co-owns as part of the new 10-team National Lacrosse League. That's the sport's pro indoor version that includes a team in Anaheim called, for some reason, the Storm (not of Los Angeles). This afternoon, the Rock (5-3) actually plays the Storm (2-6) at the Pond. Oh, the Agony.

Part of the propaganda currently being distributed - and something that those who fear the worst should pay attention to - is a recent study by U.S. Lacrosse that showed there are more than 300,000 active players crisscrossing this great land of ours these days. Worse, about half of 'em are kids 14 and under.

Some 400 colleges have a men's team, and 240 support a women's program. About 1,600 high schools have boys teams, with 600 for the girls. California is one of four states that started sanctioning prep lacrosse since January 2000.

How any of us have allowed our kids to be caught in the crossfire of lacrosse should be considered border-line criminal. Now is the time to shield our offspring from this display, along with ultraviolet sun rays, Twinkies and the televised Spelling Bee. You hear any of the younguns using the L-word, you break out the bar of soap.

Cross-examine your own twisted beliefs about the greatness of lacrosse before you start trying to ram it in our breadbaskets with that broom-handle contraption that looks like it came from Pier One Imports. It may very well be the oldest sport in North America, seeped in the tradition of our native American Indians who used to partake in it to prepare for war, christened by the French, adapted by the Canadians and abused by Ivy Leaguers. But we've got enough to keep our sun-baked kids occupied on weekends. Even if it is the AYSO.

And don't look at us cross-eyed for bringing all this up. It's our right to bear arms, legs and whatever protective gear we can find to thwart this alleged infiltration that lacrosse has apparently made on our beach volleyball-occupied shores. We should be busy building our own reinforced sand castles to keep any more wide-eyed, Long Island promoters from trying to establish a beachhead on our public plots of land.

Furthermore, if it takes rummaging through the garage for some of that extra-strength malathion from back in the day when the Med fly flew, then we're prepared to strap on the oxygen tank and spray to all the potential lacrosse fields we can find.

Cross our hearts.

CAPTION(S):

6 photos, box

Photo:

(1) Former Major League Lacrosse player Paul Gait and his twin Gary helped the league gain footing as a professional sport.

Rick Stewart/Getty Images

(2) no caption (Oakland basketball team)

(3) DANICA PATRICK

(4) RICK NEUHEISEL

(5) LANCE ARMSTRONG

(6) - Sylvester Stallone, talking about his involvement in the new NBC reality boxing show, ``The Contender,'' on Dennis Miller's CNBC talk show.

Box:

Sunday PUNCH

- Tom Hoffarth