THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL JACK OF ALL TIRADES ONLY THE BEGINNING.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Call it the Celebrity Fear Factor.

In one ``Shining'' moment Friday night, Jack Nicholson showed everyone who thought the San Antonio Spurs were going to high-tail it outta town this weekend with a ticket to the Western Conference finals just how lucky the Lakers are to have fans who care enough to get involved.

Especially the ones with the Screen Actors Guild cards and the courtside folding chairs that come with waiter service and referee interaction.

As much as Phil Jackson got himself stressed out about the lopsided officiating during the first two games of the Lakers-Spurs series played back in Alamoville - enough so he needed angioplasty to relieve the tension Saturday - Nicholson's ``for your Academy consideration'' performance during the second quarter of Game 3 sent a much louder, bolder message to league officials and star-gazing Spurs players.

Referee Mark Wunderlich, who had just whistled Shaquille O'Neal for his third foul, looked at Nicholson as though he just special-ordered a chicken-salad sandwich when he came out of his seat and shot him the stink eye through his Ray Ban shades.

Wunderlich is just lucky there wasn't a 4-iron tucked away under Nicholson's seat.

Staples Center might not be the House That Jack Built. But if there's any more doubt L.A. sports fans are too blase to create a home-court advantage, Randall Patrick McMurphy showed that tossing a few ``Cuckoo's Nest'' four-letter words at a guys in the Foot Locker uniform can get everyone to drop their cell phones, if only momentarily, to get behind their guys.

Plus, the added face time won't hurt during negotiations for your next megaflick that requires a hot-tub scene with Kathy Bates.

In fact, we wouldn't be surprised if all this has some kind of Dyan Cannon-ball Run effect as the Lakers' playoff run sputters on today and, minus the drama, possibly a few more weeks.

Let's see who gets the most creative when it comes to showing a little anger mis-management for the sake of career advancement.

Remember that genius fan back in San Antonio who tried to distract Shaquille O'Neal by holding up a poster of a woman in a bikini as Shaq was at the free-throw line?

When Tim Duncan goes to the line, watch for Michael Clarke Duncan standing under the hoop with a crowbar, thumping it into his big paw.

No way Steve Smith's gonna get in the pregame layup line without getting past Anna Nicole Smith.

And we know Kevin Willis won't even think about hoisting any half-court prayers before the half if Bruce Willis is standing by with some high-powered lookin' prop he happened to borrow from the set of ``Die Hard 4.''

``So, what choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?''

Actually, our Hollywood hussies don't need to resort to such semi-violent behavior to be effective.

When Tony Parker goes to the scorer's table to check in, Sarah Jessica Parker can give him a distracting slap on the rear end that might even leave a mark.

Put Selma Hayek and Ed Norton behind the Spurs bench and have 'em practice their movie kisses when Gregg Popovich has the team in a huddle during a timeout.

Have Steven Spielberg do that director's thing with his hands, framing the face of David Robinson as he's pulling off his sweats, just to give Robinson the idea he's photogenic enough to play opposite Billy Crystal in ``My Giant 2.''

There was no need for Nicholson to get Jack Torrance-like when referee Ron Garretson went to the scorer's table near halftime Friday and alerted league security to get ready in case there were any more outbursts that caused him to wander on the court.

The Lakers had a pre-emptive strike. They phoned the league's chief of security and warned them that if Nicholson was led away, the media firestorm would make Jimmy Buffet's profane-laced ejection from a Miami Heat game on national TV a few years ago look like a Lara Flynn Boyle film festival.

Besides, for some reason Pete Sampras was allowed to sit at the scorer's table Friday. He woulda returned serve on that subpoena immediately.

Even Nicholson knows that kind of celebrity privilege is as good as it gets.

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Photo:

Jack Nicholson's starring role in the second quarter of Game 3 on Friday almost got him ejected from Staples Center.

Michael Owen Baker/Staff Photographer