THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL HACKETT EXIT AWAITS CERTIFICATION.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Decision 2000 has reached critical stage, with or without chad droppings.

Paul Hackett, who talked a great game but turned out to be spectacularly mediocre in coaxing victories out of his penalty-flag-ridden players in his three years, can spend the next two years rummaging through antique stores for old 45s to fill his jukeboxes.

To him, ``Conquest'' isn't even worth a dime.

So, someone has to fill the vacancy. And with the Trojans' two-man committee of athletic misdirector Mike Garrett and key assistant Daryl Gross making the call, it shouldn't give anyone a headache figuring out who from the pool of candidates will emerge.

Likely, no one.

Forget any young up-and-comer.

Or someone who can't handle having someone always looking over his shoulder.

Past success or experience won't be relevant as long as he's been part of the Trojan family.

Knowing football, knowing how the school operates, knowing how Garrett works. He has to have someone who he is sure won't backstab him.

Jeez, except for that last prerequisite, it looked like all the evidence pointed to the return of O.J. . . .

--Guess who recently said this:

``Fans have a short memory; . . . on a professional level, all they do is shuffle coaches and baseball managers all the time. It trickles down to college and they think if you're not having success, just get rid of the coach and the coaching staff and that's going to solve the problem.''

Hint: It's the same guy who once said, ``You don't beat someone just because of your name and logo any more.''

If freshly axed Missouri football coach Larry Smith wasn't so right, he might even be a candidate to return to USC. . . .

--Don't forget Dennis Green. His Minnesota Vikings will be in L.A. by 2002 anyway, by which time they'll have had the best regular-season record each year but failed to make the Super Duper Bowl. . . .

--Any doubt that Hackett will get through this fine, search the Internet for the story that CBS Sportsline writer Rob Miech wrote about him last September.

Hackett's father, David, was shot to death and found in a car in an airport parking lot 35 years ago. A biochemistry teacher at Berkeley, his case was never solved by Bay Area police. . . .

--The more screwed up this year's BCS rankings get, the better. 'Cause it'll only mean a playoff can't be pooh-poo'd any more. . . .

--When I was a kid, I could only dream about someday being able to play in the Galleryfurniture.com Bowl. . . .

--Whatever happened to R.J. Reynolds? And with the stadium's no-smoking rule, would he ever be allowed back on the Dodgers? . . .

--Jack Clark lands the Dodgers' hitting coach job, obviously because Bobby Thompson, Reggie Jackson, Joe Morgan and Ozzie Smith were unavailable. . . .

--How did Juan Marichal get passed up as pitching coach? . . .

--The winner of the next Nissan Open, at Riviera Country Club in late February, will get $612,000, while the 70th-place person (last to make the cut and still draw a check) gets $6,800. At the first PGA Tour event in L.A. 75 years ago, Lighthorse Harry Cooper won a $3,500 first prize from a $10,000 pot. . . .

--After Stanford's basketball win over Georgia in the Puerto Rico Shootout over the weekend, the nice gesture woulda been if the Collins twins took Jim Harrick out to dinner. . . .