THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL GIVE A CHEER FOR BIGRIGG BROTHERS.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

I don't trust my computer. Whenever there's a problem, I call my friend Bob to come over and fix it. He's got this ultimate set of tools.

So he's over the other day, synchronizing the taskbar with the hyptertext link so that the encrypted flywheel wouldn't confuse the security clearance granted to the floppy disco ball near the axle rose - or something like that. I had a proposition for him.

``I need help developing a software program that will truly decide who's got the best college football team in the country,'' I announced.

``No problem,'' he said, reaching for some dental floss, WD-40 and a hex wrench. ``You mean something that figures out stuff like strength of schedule, quality wins, total points, common opponents, collapses the margin of victory, opponents' rankings, home-field advantage, conference depth, wins vs. teams ranked 110-117 ...''

``Whoa, whoa, whoa there Sagarin breath,'' I stopped him. ``The BCS has already commissioned polls-a-plenty that chews on that crud and spits out convoluted data. All they've done is take the same information and figured out a new way to embarrass Army even more so than it has on the gridiron.

``My philosophy is, if you can't use simple things like wins, losses and human biases as an efficient method to pick a consensus national champion, then your computer poll has to be creative enough to consider so many other factors to separate the one-loss teams and convince the stupid schools from the Mid-American Conference that they think they have a chance, but in reality, have no shot at all.''

Bob could see where I was going with this. Which is good, since I was having some problems.

``So tell me,'' Bob said. ``What is going to make your computer poll better than the rest?''

I was locked and loaded.

Before giving anyone free airline tickets to New Orleans for New Year's Eve, we implore the BCS to consider throwing these into the junk-inbox to see how things come out:

--Strength of cheerleaders: According to the results at the 2003 College Cheerleading National Championship, Central Florida had the best Division I-A squad. Perennial favorite Kentucky was second, with Alabama, Tennessee, Cincinnati, Penn State, Ohio State, Wisconsin, LSU and Mississippi State, to round out the top 10.

Give 'em all a four-tenths deduction, along with Hawaii, Arizona State and Oregon, just because we say so. Add one-tenth to USC and UCLA for continued disappointment.

--Quality player names: Two-tenths deductions for UTEP (for defensive lineman Ibok Ibok and defensive back Herb City), Michigan State (for defensive backs Omar Hashish and Ryan Hash) and Kent State (brothers Mike and Nick Bigrigg, a receiver and tight end).

One-tenth off each for Troy State (quarterback Bragg Knott), LSU (safety Greg Hercules), Nebraska (linebacker Richie Incognito) and North Carolina State (kicker is actually named Adam Kiker).

Add a full point to Florida State (receiver Craphonso Thorpe), Florida (quarterback Justin Midgett), Texas Tech (cornerback SirDon Lewis) and Texas A&M (linebacker Ta Ta Thompson).

Georgia Tech breaks even (cornerback I-Perfection Harris offsets receiver Finesse Usher).

--The prostitution index: Any school that plays on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Friday just to get exposure on ESPN2, add two full points. One full point if it's on a Thursday. Don't even think about Sunday.

However, deduct four-tenths if ESPN's ``GameDay'' crew makes it out to your place on a Saturday morning. Having to put up with Lee Corso and hiring extra security for Kirk Herbstreit should account for something.

--Total mayhem factor: One full-point deduction to the school whose mascot not only takes down Stanford's Dancing Tree, but pummels him into a pulpy mess that actually forces a delay-of-game penalty.

One full point added to teams whose coaches smack players on nationally televised games, whose players smack fans running on the field and whose players smack opposing assistant coaches, unless it involves an Air Force quarterback who is completely in the right.

Ten full points, and possible expulsion, for Gatorade dousing of a coach or a student-body attempt to celebrate a victory by tearing down a goalpost. Grow up. Please.

--Carpetbagging: If you've already announced you're leaving your conference but are still playing in it, add two-tenths for every victory and deduct one-tenth for every loss. Shoulda thought of that before you got greedy.

--Flagrant fouls: Oregon, and Oregon alone, receives a five-tenths penalty for its green wienie uniforms.

USC, four-tenths added whenever the band plays ``Tusk.''

Virginia Tech gets nine-tenths added for keeping a tradition of doing the ``Hokey Pokey'' in the second half of home games. That's not what it's all about.

Anyone who agreed to play in the previous year's Capital One Bowl, sixth-tenths added to this year.

And for Miami (not of Ohio), two-tenths added for breaking out ``Rock You Like A Hurricane'' after each touchdown. You're only giving Mullet Nation another reason to think they matter. That's why God invented NASCAR.

CAPTION(S):

5 photos, box

Photo:

(1) no caption (basketall player sitting on the court)

(2) LeBRON JAMES

(3) MIKE DUNLEAVY

(4) MANNY RAMIREZ

(5) - Hip-hop mogul Seam ``P. Diddy'' Combs

Box:

Sunday PUNCH