THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL GIFT IDEAS FOR THE SPORTS NUT.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Get out of the malls. Now. Here are some more convenient online holiday shopping buys for the sports knucklehead of the household who seems to have everything else:

--The Dale Earnhardt Jr. welding helmet ($179.99).

Sears' line of Craftsman tools - it's a sponsor of NASCAR - offers this high-tech Hobart red-hooded monster with the big white ``8'' in the middle that ``lets you take just about any welding project to the finish line with confidence.''

Also, for those times when the emergency crew is trying to save face while tearing an Earnhardt out of a burning vehicle. Available at www.sears.com, item No. 0920623.

--The Yankees fan conversion kit ($49.95 deluxe, $19.95 standard).

``Although misguided, many Yankees fans have the potential for reformation,'' according to the pitch on the Web site for ``CurseReverse'' merchandise, based in (where else?) Boston.

This pinstripe reformation kit includes a vial of Charles River water to ``help cleanse ... the effects of the Evil Empire - they just can't drink it.''

Sorry, but the site has nothing to help Dodgers fans still living in the year 1988. Available at www.cursereverse.com.

--Stuff from Thurman Munson's closet (prices vary).

A few days after the small plane crash in 1979 took the life of the New York Yankees star catcher, the wife of Boston Red Sox catcher Carlton Fisk poured out her emotions in a personal letter to Munson's widow, Diane.

``There's no way in the world that we could let Thurm's tragedy go by without trying to convey our feelings to you and your children,'' wrote Linda Fisk in the hand-written note. ``A lot has been written about the rivalry and negative feelings between Pudge and Thurman, but not nearly enuf (sic) about their similarities.''

For a few hundred bucks, the condolence card can be yours - item No. 105 - along with a couple dozen other things that Mrs. Munson has decided to get rid of 25 years later. Available at www.memorabiliaroadshowauctions.net. Bidding ends Dec. 1.

--Maytag SkyBox Rookie mini refrigerator ($199).

For the rec room, dorm room or detention cell, this customized little cooler on wheels (2.8 cubic feet) holds more than four cases of beverages with a flip top that can be filled with ice or party snacks. Best yet, there are more than 225 panel options from NFL, NHL, MLB, NBA or college logos to plaster on the sides.

Meaning you can put the next Lakers' loss in the refrigerator before any of your delusional friends. Available at www.homedepot.com, item No. 167431.

--The Cateye Interactive Game Bike ($350).

Think exercise bike meets PlayStation, because that's what it is. Best used with something like the NASCAR 2005 video game, the controller between the handlebars allows the rider/gamer to set the pace as he peddles and steers the thing-a-majig. After it's over, the sweat you've built up is actually good for you.

Available at www.cateyefitness.com, item No. EC-UB2000.

--``Anywhere'' wireless portable TV shower companion ($299.95).

The game is running long. You have to hose yourself down because that dinner date is now just 15 minutes away. No time for TiVo. Must see ending now.

This 9 1/2-inch miracle machine with a 3 1/2-inch color screen picks up the audio and video signal from your home TV, even through walls and floors, whether it's on cable or dish hookup.

Just lather, rinse, repeat and cheer. Available at www.sharperimage.com, item No. SI654SIL.

--Fit-over golf-ball finding glasses ($39.95).

It's like X-ray vision through the out-of-bounds shrubbery. These goggles have lenses that block out 90 percent of dark colors and let only the shorter wavelength light, such as white and yellow, pass through. One size fits most, but you can also order a pair that fit over prescription lenses.

Just don't use 'em as sunglasses. Available at www.hammacher.com, item No. 71144.

--Watch-style fish finder ($119.95).

This Dick Tracy-looking, battery-operated cheating machine goes on the wrist and has a sonar sensor that attaches to your fishing line. It picks up real-time views of underwater within a 75-foot radius and has a fish proximity alarm - to help you, not that stupid trout.

Unfortunately, it won't help you find a decent fishing spot in Southern California. Available at www.hammacher.com, item No. 70407.

--``Chapter III,'' the new CD by the R&B group Allure ($13.98).

This is the reason why Indiana Pacers star Ron Artest said he needed to miss a few games earlier this month, because he was exhausted from promoting this CD from his record label, TruWarier. Artest does sing on it, the last cut, ``I Feel So.''

So ... what? Sorry? Stupid? Lucky? Stay tuned for a future CD of Artest's Greatest Motown Hits. Available at www.amazon.com and www.truwarierrecords.com.

CAPTION(S):

5 photos, box

Photo:

(1) no caption (Detroit fight)

(2) RICHARD JEFFERSON

(3) RICKY WILLIAMS

(4) RON ARTEST

(5) - Lou Holtz, announcing his retirement as the South Carolina football coach, days after his team was involved in a brawl with Clemson in what turned out to be his last game. Hayes, the former Ohio State coach, ended his career in the 1978 Gator Bowl after he punched Clemson linebacker Charlie Bauman.

Box:

Sunday PUNCH

- Tom Hoffarth