THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL FANTASIES FOR A PRICE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

There are human beings currently inhabiting this planet who think that scaling Kilimanjaro, diving with sharks in the Barrier Reef, hiking through the Continental Divide, snow-shoeing across Antarctica, cliff diving in Fiji, paddling through fjords in Iceland, offroading through Senegal, swamp-buggy riding through the Louisiana Bayou, whitewater rafting through the Grand Canyon, heli-skiing in British Columbia, scuba diving in Bonaire and surfing off that seven-mile stretch of Oahu known as the North Shore should be experienced at any cost before our time is up.

God love 'em. And don't forget to renew that life-insurance policy before you go to the airport.

Through the years, our sports fantasies have tended to be on a smaller, more practical scale. Like catching a foul ball at a Dodgers game. Or having a waitress bring us food at Staples Center instead of missing a full quarter at the concession stand. Then there's the recurring one where Amanda Beard shows up on our porch and asks it would be OK if she swam a few laps in our Jacuzzi.

The crazy thing is depending on how big you dare to dream and how much of a limit you have on the credit card, almost any far-fetched fantasy related to sports can be realized these days.

Adult fantasy camps may have started back in the 1980s when all it took was about a grand to send Dad off to Florida for a week to play catch with his childhood heroes. But they've since super-sized into a world of Wizard of Oz-type, almost hallucinative adventures. Ever since those who dreamed up such things realized that the addiction never seems to wear off the camper and word-of-mouth means more business, they'll continue to find those willing to overlook the $15,000 sticker shock just to have ultimate bragging rights or, even better, deliver the best Father's Day gift ever.

So what'll it be, hoops with Michael Jordan, skating with Wayne Gretzky or puttering around with Tiger Woods? And will that be Visa, MasterCard or a second mortgage?

``It's like seeing something in a Neiman Marcus catalogue; it's definitely not for the meek, but coming from a Southern California entertainment-industry background, I've seen people pay exorbitant amounts of money for much dumber things,'' says Mark Webb, who has launched a Calabasas-based company called ``Major League Experience,'' where, for $12,500, anyone can go on a nine- day, six-game baseball road trip and play games against other campers in real big-league parks.

Webb, whose investment partners include Aerosmith bassist Tom Hamilton and instructional staff includes former major-leaguers such as Bret Saberhagen and Mark Gubicza, wants to fill between 90 and 120 spots before the inaugural tour of Phoenix, San Diego, L.A., Anaheim, San Francisco and Seattle begins in early November. Plans also are on the table for trips to other parts of the country the next two years.

``People will spend $15,000 for a cruise where you're trapped on a boat for nine days staring at an ocean or drop $10,000 a night gambling,'' said Webb, a former minor-leaguer in the 1980s who hatched this concept after seeing what extremes some of those in his Canoga Park-based Victory Adult Baseball League would go to to play in the championship games at Dodger Stadium.

``For all we offer, our price isn't unreasonable, and with all the expenses, we're not close to making a 50 percent profit margin. The trade-off is that it's the actual experience of going on a major-league road trip, from hotels to transportation to media interviews - almost everything except agents and groupies, and we might even be able to arrange the latter. And everyone gets to be a hero. Who hasn't grown up fantasizing about playing the national pastime?''

Rod Sherman, the former USC wide receiver from the 1960s who went on to six seasons in the NFL, had the same kind of philosophy when starting a ``Trojan Flashback Football'' camp last year for his alma mater - and he's launching a similar adventure for UCLA this summer.

By devising a way to allow guys to suit up (without pads or helmets), run 7-on-7 scrimmages at the Coliseum and Rose Bowl and meet former greats plus current coaches Pete Carroll and Karl Dorrell, Sherman expects to have about 100 in each camp paying as much as $1,850 each - even more if they don't want to bang bodies and just want to be a make- believe coach or team owner.

``I am and I'm not surprised'' people will pay to do these camps, Sherman said. ``It's an interesting phenomenon, but the thing I heard after the first event was those who said, 'Over the years, I've written a lot of checks to USC (for donations) but I was never able to experience anything like this.'

``We had grown men who were able to wear the uniform, march in through the peristyle end of the Coliseum, hear the band play 'Fight On,' and they broke down into tears. It was a lifetime dream come true.

``Sometimes, you can't put a price tag on those kinds of experiences.''

And other times, you can.

CAPTION(S):

5 photos, 2 boxes

Photo:

(1) Former Hart High star Anthony Ervin decided to sell his gold medal from the 2000 Olympics to help tsunami-relief efforts.

Koji Sasahara/Associated Press

(2) OSCAR DE LA HOYA 

(3) PHIL JACKSON

(4) LENNY DYKSTRA

(5) - Professor Frink, Springfield's resident scientist, to Bart and Maggie on a recent episode of ``The Simpsons.'' By the way, Tampa Bay may be the butt of jokes, but the Detroit Tigers have no reason to laugh. Since the Devil Rays' debut in 1998, their 459-693 record (.3984) is a hair better than the Tigers (458-693, .3979).

Box:

(1) SUNDAY PUNCH

- Tom Hoffarth

- Rich Hammond

(2) A FAN'S FANTASY LIST