THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL DODGEBALL GOLD RUSH STARTS WITH THESE SIX.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

If you were looking to find a few hints about how life works by going to the movies this weekend, here's some of the things you've been asked to believe:

If a calico cat could talk, it would probably sound like Bill Murray.

If you had the means to go around the world in 80 days, you'd probably run into some sheik who looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger with a page-boy wig who'd try to lure you into being one of his wives.

And if you ever needed to pull together a competitive dodgeball team, a bunch of freaks, geeks and make-believe pirates from the local goin'- out-of-business gym should be sufficient.

From personal experience, I've got to tell you: Cats will never speak. Harems and Schwarzenegger will only get you in trouble. And if you ever expect to win the American DodgeBall Association of America's national championship, don't put Vince Vaughn in charge of recruiting talent.

Meaning, whatever is ``true'' about ``DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story,'' we're hoping the sequel provides a better answer.

First of all, on the sacred blacktop of my modest elementary school, there were other names - some more acceptable than others - for this great but often humiliating equalizer.

Battleball was one. Or Matchball. The best, and maybe this was a regional thing, was Dodger-ball, probably because the rubber balls we used were actually blue instead of red.

We'd then give ourselves names of current Dodger players, and the schleps on the other team would be players on the Giants.

``OK, Grabarkewitz, take out McCovey, and we're home free,'' I can still hear one teammate say.

Despite the premise of the game, no one really got hurt, or else the nurse's office would have needed to be a fully staffed ER. Besides, to most of us, the more dangerous activity at the time was tetherball. I can still see Mike Zielke's mouthful of braces screaming for the playground monitor to find Mrs. Puterbaugh because the rope had him wrapped so tight to the metal pole it looked as if all that was needed next was to build a bonfire underneath him.

We later learned that Vera Amberick, the meanest, toughest girl in the fourth grade, had done it on purpose so her friend, Kelli King, could finally kiss him.

So, yeah, it was best to stay away from tetherball.

There were real lessons to learn from firing balls at close range against classmates who refused to let us cheat off them during social studies pop quizzes. They remain with us today:

--Don't trust anyone.

--Freaks and geeks can be your friends, especially when a human shield is needed.

--Don't ever intentionally throw the ball at the cute girl on the other side. If by one of God's mysteries you end up getting married to her someday, she'll never let you live it down.

Based on the fact this little Ben Stiller movie might actually draw some notable box office attendance, and there's already a cable channel that has started its own ``Extreme Dodgeball'' competition with real prize money, this thing isn't going away anytime soon. Fact is, it even could catch and surpass televised poker.

Which means it's only a matter of time before it's discussed as a demonstration sport for the 2016 Summer Games in Istanbul, Turkey.

Which means, it's never too early to consider who'd we pick for our American ``Cream Team.''

Based on the common knowledge that it takes the acrobatics of a soccer goalie, the bravery and concentration of a second baseman turning a double play and the arm strength of a professional Foosball player to make up the perfect competitor - no matter what the movie tries to pass off - consider this ultimate six-person lineup ready to start practice:

--Jenny Finch: A softball All-American pitcher with a great arm, great reflexes and, best of all, the perfect distraction on the front line.

--Michael Vick: Scramble, scramble, scramble.

--Randy Johnson: You've seen him on the commercials.

--Barry Sanders: Low to the ground, able to leap low-throwing balls with a single bound.

--Allen Iverson: No fear.

--Mike Tyson: Every team needs someone like this who's just plain nuts.

Alas, if only that hoser Eric Gagne had dual citizenship. Plus, he's already got his own pair of goggles.

The worst possible squad?

--Chuck Knoblach: Armed and dangerous. Not in a good way.

--Kevin Brown: Always hurt.

--Bartolo Colon: Throws 'em up too fat.

--Warren Sapp: Too much of a trash-talkin' target.

--Kobe Bryant: Like he'd ever give up the ball.

--Shaquille O'Neal: Aside from what he know about his free-throw accuracy, having him on the same squad with Kobe would just sabotage everything.

Neither of these are a group of Average Joes, of course. But the point is, you wanna win, right? Then don't believe what you see in the movies.

Besides, underdog stories can't be true unless they're created in Hollywood. Or Detroit.

CAPTION(S):

6 photos, box

Photo:

(1) REMEMBER WHEN ANDRE WAS A GIANT?

(2) WILLIAM DAVIDSON

(3) BOB HUGGINS

(4) DARKO MILICIC

(5) no caption (Frank McCourt)

(6) Mike Ditka

Box:

SUNDAY PUNCH