THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL CRAZY HOW THINGS WORK OUT.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

For all the ziggin' and zaggin' he did as a member of the Rams in 12 record-breaking seasons, a feat that earned him a bronze plaque in the Coliseum's Court of Honor during a ceremony last week, Pro Football Hall of Famer Elroy ``Crazy Legs'' Hirsch may have made a more indelible mark on Hollywood that's even crazier than some of these other goofballs getting a star on the Walk of Fame.

In 1957, the same year he finally ended his playing career, Hirsch played the role of Captain Bill Wilson in the movie ``Zero Hour!'' a serious drama/thriller about a routine plane flight that turns into a major emergency during a rainstorm after the crew members start dropping because of food poisoning.

``Guess I picked the wrong day to quit smoking,'' is the line made famous by emergency air-traffic controller Allen Treleaven (Sterling Hayden), whose job it is to talk down passenger-turned-pilot Ted Stryker (Dana Andrews) after he takes over for the recently deceased Wilson.

Wait a minute ...

Yup, it was 23 years later (and 25 years ago) when that script was pillaged, twisted and lampooned - but used almost verbatim - by Jim Abrahams and David Zucker in the classic ``Airplane!'' It inspired the odd-sports cameo addition of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to reprise Hirsch's role, this time as Roger Murdock.

Unfortunately, Hirsch never got the chance to convince some kid that it really was a chore to drag Dick ``Night Train'' Lane and Sam Huff up and down the field for 60 minutes a game. ...

-- Phil Jackson may be a viable candidate for the Lakers, but not a pliable one.

Although he's all but laid the groundwork for making his comeback, there's more reason to believe that Frank What's-His-Name will be the poor slob coming back to let Kobe do his own thing - if there is an NBA season next year.

Besides, if rumors are accurate in that it's a piece of Jerry Buss' dynasty that'll be the deal breaker, Jackson seems to already have that, doesn't he? ...

-- If memory serves us, Friday marks the 20th anniversary of the ``Memorial Day Massacre,'' otherwise known as the Boston Celtics' 148-114 win over the Lakers in Game 1 of the NBA Finals at the Boston Garden.

Understandably, the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Lakers' Fans mind may have already erased that one. ...

-- If long-term feasibility is what Scott Boras is all about, it would make more sense for him to just outright buy his own independent minor-league baseball team and stockpile it with his own clients - Jered Weaver and Stephen Drew for starters - that can't come around on big-league deals.

Add to that the fact he's currently an ``advisor'' to three of the nation's top college pitchers - Tennessee's Luke Hochevar, Wichita State's Mike Pelfrey and St. John's' Craig Hansen - who'll be available in the June 7 amateur draft. ...

-- Adding to the perception that agents steal from their clients, Karl Malone's eight-bedroom, 11-bathroom mansion in Salt Lake City was bought the other day for $2.75 million at auction - less than half of its original asking price - by Malone's agent, Dwight Manley.

``He got a steal,'' Jaren Davis, president of the Utah Association of Realtors, told the Salt Lake Tribune about Manley's purchase.

Malone had put the two-acre lot that includes a 17,230-square-foot ponderosa with three guest suites, indoor and outdoor sports courts, a swimming pool with a water slide, a shooting range and a five-car heated garage on the market for $6.1 million before the 2003-04 season, when he was persuaded to buy a place in Newport Beach before joining the Lakers.