THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL CLIP AND SAVE THIS: THERE'LL BE A QUIZ LATER.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Maybe it's not ripped from the headlines, but we think we did a nice job of cutting and pasting it into this little space for easier analysis:

What happened: Lynn Swann, the pro football Hall of Famer and ABC Sports sideline guy, officially announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination in this year's Pennsylvania gubernatorial race. On his Web site (www.lynnswannteam88.com), the former Pittsburgh Steelers star says the state needs ``a vision to get government under control, lower the tax burden on our working family and job creators, and make sure that our children have the opportunity for a quality education.''

What's the problem: After every one of whistle-stop campaign speeches, he's got to stop saying: ``Back to you, Brent.''

Apparently, the TV sideline gig is just a step to bigger and better things. Some end up in Playboy. Others seek political greatness. It's all about sex and power.

Which can only lead to: Tony Saragusa, Secretary of Defense.

What happened: NBA commissioner David Stern has been named the biggest big-shot in sports in the annual Sporting News ``Power 100'' rankings. The magazine, which had him ranked No. 4 a year ago, cites Stern's ability to negotiate a new collective bargaining agreement as his major achievement.

What's the problem: NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, whose league iced an entire season because of a mind-numbing labor dispute, made the list at No. 6. All this will encourage him to do is implement a stupid dress code next.

What happened: The NFL won't accept sponsorship from erectile-dysfunction drug manufacturers after its current $6 million-a-year deal with the makers of Levitra runs out this season. It's just as well, say the drug companies, since all the ad dollars spent didn't lead to the anticipated sales.

John von Stade, the vice president of a company that handles sponsorship deals for Cialis, told the Sports Business Journal: ``There's a real flattening out in the marketing expenditures because the market never reached the size that was projected.''

What's the problem: Size isn't everything.

What happened: Mo Vaughn, the recently retired All-Star first baseman, is opening a high-end car wash in Attleboro, Mass., called the ``Mo Vaughn Express Car Wash.'' It'll also have oil-change bays, a gas station, a convenience store and a Dunkin' Donuts.

What's the problem: Anyone who remembers Big Mo tumbling down the steps of the Angels dugout while trying to chase a foul ball that effectively ended his career must realize that the thought of him on wet pavement while popping another dozen doughnut holes into his mouth spells more disaster.

What happened: The NCAA says it will bolster its anti-gambling message at this season's basketball tournaments after a study showed 69 percent of male college athletes and 47 percent of the female athletes participated in some form of illegal wagering.

What's the problem: Betcha they don't listen.

What happened: The USC Alumni Association is offering a ``fantasy weekend'' next month at the Ritz-Carlton in Kapalua, Maui where, for just $5,245, you can golf, drink and mingle with a bunch of former Trojans, including Rodney Peete, Charles White, Paul McDonald, Rod Martin, Roy Foster and Jason Sehorn.

What's the problem: Does it cost more if Sehorn brings his wife?

What happened: Bode Miller, the two-time Olympic silver medalist and U.S. favorite at next month's Winter Games, says in a CBS' ``60 Minutes'' piece tonight that not only has he tried skiing drunk, but he'd do it again.

``If you ever tried to ski when you're wasted, it's not easy,'' Miller says in the taped interview. ``Try and ski a slalom when ... you hit a gate less than every second. ... You're putting your life at risk ... It's like driving drunk, only there are no rules about it in ski racing.''

What's the problem: Saturday, Miller said he's upset at how his comments were portrayed in media accounts.

What he meant to say is he's interested in becoming a spokesman for Miller Lite.

What happened: Men's Fitness magazine has decided that Los Angeles is the nation's third-fattest city, jumping up on the list from No. 21 a year before and prevented from becoming No. 1 only because of Chicago and Las Vegas. Baltimore, home of the buttery crab cake, is the healthiest. The survey used considers such things as the obesity percentage of the adult population, number of health clubs, participation in fitness-related activity, number of fast-food outlets, TV viewing levels, climate, mountains, beaches, air quality and traffic congestion in each city.

What's the problem: Aside from those last two, is the real issue here that all the fatheads are jealous we have so many Fatburger outlets?

CAPTION(S):

5 photos, box

Photo:

(1) - Comedian and USC alumni Will Ferrell, left, to the Longhorn fans in the audience and to quarterback Vince Young, right, during Thursday's appearance on NBC's ``The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,'' a day after the Trojans lost in the Rose Bowl.

Vernon Bryant/AP Photo/Dallas Morning News

(2) VINCE YOUNG

(3) MICHELLE KWAN

(4) MAURICE CLARETT

(5) no caption (person surfing)

Box:

SUNDAY PUNCH

BY TOM HOFFARTH

- Associated Press