THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL BIDDING STARTS AS SOON AS EVERYONE STOPS LAUGHING.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

You can't make up the stuff that they're trying to pawn off on Internet sports auctions. So, with late Mother's Day shoppers in mind, consider these cyber deals before they go tumbling back into a black hole:

Item No. 5578836892 on eBay.com: A misprinted Dodgers fleece blanket, plus the voucher to get the corrected version.

The pitch: As soon as it was evident the Dodgers goofed by listing World Series champs from 1962 and 1966 - which never happened - on a piece of fleece during an April 27 stadium giveaway, the team handed out mail-in rebates to make good. Within hours, the blunder blankets were up for auction, some eventually fetching as much as $60 each. As of Saturday, at least a dozen auctions were still live for those making available their ``truly unique and rare collectable'' (one listing's wording).

The action: Starting bid of $9.99 is up to $25. Auction ends Wednesday. More blankets will surely follow.

Item No. 5192533003 on eBay.com: A cast Kobe Bryant wore from the 1999-2000 season. Autographed.

The pitch: The Lakers star missed the first 15 games of that season with a broken bone in his right hand. This fiberglass cast was put on it, then carefully taken off, signed and encased in shrink wrap after it was signed. Comes with authentication.

``There's only one worn-used cast of Kobe Bryant (known to exist),'' the listing says, ``because Kobe Bryant only broke he's (sic) hand once.''

The action: Starting bid of $3,500 has not been made. Auction ends Wednesday.

Item No. 5578348689 on eBay.com: Advertising space on professional boxer Winky Wright's robe when he fights Felix Trinidad on HBO pay-per-view on May 14.

The pitch: ``Just imagine an estimated 20 million viewers seeing your company name/logo in the middle of the action!'' Space is also available on the front and back of Wright's shorts, or he'll hold your product when he comes into the ring and he'll wear a T-shirt with your logo during the pre- and post-fight press conference.

The action: Opening bid of $25,000 hasn't been registered. Auction ends today.

Item No. 5194481030 on eBay.com: Replica Kellen Winslow II motorcycle wreckage debris.

The pitch: A couple of days after the Cleveland Browns' tight end jeopardized his $40 million contract by crashing on his motorcycle, three listings popped up on eBay.com offering random broken parts (a brake fluid cap, directional light, etc.) found by scavengers at the scene. ``This is your chance to own a left-over relic from a complete act of stupidity,'' one of the listings says.

Then, someone named ``rbenne1'' of Monroe, La., had a better idea.

``If you're like me, you don't want to pay full price for actual wreckage when you can get replica items cheaper,'' his listing says. ``If you go to the NFL Web site you see that the replica jerseys are cheaper, and in my opinion, just as good.

``Do I live near the accident site? No. Do I have actual wreckage that was in the accident? No. Is replica as good as the real thing? Definitely.

``So, for the Kellen Winslow Accident fan out there who is thrifty, I suggest replica wreckage. Actual replica wreckage may vary and will be the cheapest part I can find at my local Auto Zone. I then will hand craft the actual wreckage piece with my customizing hammer.''

The action: Starting bid for $5 has been met. Auction ends Friday.

Item No. 6528846325 on eBay.com: Play in a River City Rascals professional baseball game.

The pitch: The Rascals, an independent minor-league team in O'Fallon, Mo., face the Gateway Grizzlies in an exhibition game on May 20. The winning bidder will receive a one-day professional contract, at least one at-bat in the game, play a half-inning in the outfield, keep the hat and jersey, and can use 20 tickets. The only stipulation is you have to be at least 18 years old (even if some of the players on the teams might not be), sign an injury waiver, and bring your own glove and shoes. Proceeds benefit the local United Way.

The action: Highest of the 81 bids is $9,700. Auction ends today. But be warned: The Grizzlies have announced that as soon as this auction ends, it will post its own eBay listing to start the bidding to give someone a chance to be the pitcher against the person who becomes that Rascals' batter.

Item No. 60390190 on mlb.com: A Rob Flippo autographed 2005 Brooklyn Dodgers jersey.

The pitch: On April 15, the Dodgers wore ``Brooklyn'' throwback uniforms against the Padres to commemorate Jackie Robinson Day. Every jersey worn was returned and put up for auction to benefit the Dodgers Dream Foundation.

Flippo? He's the team's bullpen catcher. Wears No. 85. Don't think anyone in the Flippo family would even be interested in having this piece of history.

The action: Highest of six bids is $285. Auction ends Thursday.

Item No. 5192279577 on eBay.com: The former reception desk at the Dodger Stadium offices.

The pitch: When the team did some recent renovations, it took out this bulky wood-and-granite desk with a huge stainless steel Dodgers logo on the front. ``It would make the coolest one-of-a-kind bar ... of course, it can also be used as a desk, the purpose for which it was originally designed,'' the listing reads.

Be warned: ``This item will not fit through a normal size doorway.''

And if you want it shipped from storage in Costa Mesa, it'll be about $300 extra.

The action: Bidding that started at $100 is up to $202.50 after two bids. Auction ends Wednesday.

They can probably find a bunch of old Dodger blankets to wrap it up in so it doesn't get too scratched up.

CAPTION(S):

5 photos, box

Photo:

(1) no caption (Freddie Mitchell)

(2) ANDY RODDICK

(3) JEFF VAN GUNDY 

(4) KELLEN WINSLOW

(5) - Miami Heat backup center Alonzo Mourning, on the chances of Shaquille O'Neal (pictured) being snubbed in the voting for the NBA's regular-season MVP. The announcement comes today, and reports are that Phoenix guard Steve Nash will win it.

Box:

SUNDAY PUNCH

- Tom Hoffarth

- Rich Hammond