THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL AS LONG AS YOU ASK NICE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Since there's this NFL team representing N'Orleans desperately in need of a place to play, and since we're sitting on this old-school downtown facility that's good enough for the college football national champions that just sits empty on Sunday afternoons, and since we also have another fixer-upper over in Pasadena that'll play host to another college football national championship game in a few months, and since enough people out there don't think this makes much sense because of logistics and frayed nerves and whatever politics are involved, why doesn't Party Paul Tagliabue just flatout tell Tom Benson to pack his carpet bag and march his Saints from La. to L.A. to at least test drive the city for just this season?

And wouldn't this City of Angels invite these sorry Saints with arms wide open, raising money quarter by quarter to send back to the French Quarter and help as many of those Katrina and the wave victims in need?

And after we all sat back months from now and figured out that it all worked out pretty nice, wouldn't it just reinforce this notion that the NFL needs us more than we need them?

--Is there an Orange Bowl Hangover hanging over the Oklahoma football program, or are they just too Stoop-ified after watching the wheels come off Adrian Peterson's Heisman campaign?

--If Andy Roddick hasn't found his mojo, what makes you think he hasn't already lost his American Express gold card to some sticky-fingered SoHo restaurant maitre d'? Is this defaulted AmEx marketing campaign the kind of scenario that the people at MasterCard call priceless?

--That's all fine and dandy that Paul DePodesta accepts blame for bringing in too many questionable-character guys, but what plan will he implement to get everyone out of this chemistry experiment gone wrong without imploding Dodger Stadium?

--So what's the next episode of ``Arrested Development'' with special guest star Milton Bradley? Are the cops going to have to talk him off the edge of the Redondo Beach Pier? Will we next find him on his roof lobbing baseballs into the neighbors' yards because he thinks their stereos were on too loud during all the rowdy Labor Day barbecues?

And when did Uncle Miltie go from turning the corner on anger management to become Ike Turner in training?

--Since a group of Native American Sioux considers the University of North Dakota's nickname of ``Fighting Sioux'' to be ``an affront to the dignity'' of the tribe, why don't they just do the American thing and sue `em?

--Does wearing earplugs to drown out the boos mean Rafael Palmeiro hears no evil now, in addition to not seeing, speaking or injecting it?

--Does the fact the St. Louis Rams haven't been able to sign third-round draft choice Richie Incognito mean that no one's been able to track down the 6-foot-3, 305-pound center?

--How much of a lead would those Little Leaguers from Hawaii have in the NL West?

--If the Phoenix Coyotes can sell an extra thousand season seats just by putting Wayne Gretzky behind the bench, is it too tempting to ask him to put on a sweater and just go out on power plays?

--Is that just the beat-down sun reflecting off the center field scoreboard in Arlington Stadium or someone flashing signs to Orel Hershiser that it's time to make a trip to the mound and talk another Rangers' pitcher off the rubber?

--If that Burger King idiot really did run onto the field during a Ravens' game and do some ridiculous end-zone dance, wouldn't you hope that the first person out there to collar tackle him would be Ray Lewis?

--Don't you find David Wells refreshing, even when he's apologizing for something ridiculous he said?

--If Vijay Singh is allowed to pull out of a golf tournament because of an injury he suffered while playing ping pong, doesn't he deserve to be paddled?

--If we play our cards right, could we get Jennifer Tilly to teach us the finer points of Texas Hold `em?

CAPTION(S):

8 photos, box

Photo:

(1) A volunteer helps bring blankets into the Houston Astrodome before evacuees from Hurricane Katrina were bused in.

Pat Sullivan/Associated Press

(2) GRETZKY

(3) DEPODESTA

(4) BRADLEY

(5) SNOOP DOGG

(6) ANDY RODDICK

(7) MAURICE CLARETT

(8) - Dodgers play-by-play man Charley Steiner, after hearing a replay of the rendition of ``Take Me Out to the Ballgame'' he sang during the seventh-inning stretch at Wrigley Field on Wednesday.

Box:

SUNDAY PUNCH

- Tom Hoffarth

- Rich Hammond