THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.

Byline: Tom Hoffarth

Plenty of sports-related stories fall through the cracks. Some, we can pull out of the muck, slap on a little Spackle and make 'em good as news:

What happened: Sony Pictures denied film critics any advanced screenings to its movie, "The Benchwarmers," in which Rob Schneider, David Space and Jon Heder play three grown-up nimrods who decide to take on a group of bully Little Leaguers in an act of revenge and to build their own self esteem.

Sony is one of several studios who've decided that they'll take their chances of having no review of their film in the media on the day it opens instead of one that they predict will trash the project.

What's the spin: We shelled out the $9.50 for a ticket, and then realized the scene we'll remember most is one of those outtakes just before the final credits where Jon Lovitz (who plays an eccentric baseball promoter) asks: "This was a complete waste of time, wasn't it?"

Well, yes, and probably yes.

If you can cut through all the gratituous PG-13 booger eating, barfing, flatulence, nipple-twisting, old men whipping out the middle finger and other questionable sight gags involving midget bashing and men-eyeing-men, the flick actually has a somewhat decent message.

Specifically, treat people nice, and life is too short to harbor hatred.

Oh, and if the Yankees need a fourth outfielder, Reggie Jackson probably could fill the spot, based on his ability to destroy mailboxes with a bat and play ding-dong-ditch.

Finally, Adam Sandler, whose production company produced this, shouldn't have to feel obligated any more to include Dan Patrick, Sean Salisbury, Craig Kilborn and Bill Romanowski in his flicks. Let 'em all wait for a remake of "BASEketball."

What happened: Shaquille O'Neal, after a recent game in which Milwaukee center Jamaal Magloire was whistled for grabbing O'Neal from behind but not given a flagrant foul, went on a locker-room rant about what constitutes bodily harm and how officials need to be more consistent:

"They have rules that they write down," the Miami Heat center said. "I just want them to enforce them consistently.

"A pinch is a pinch. If you pinch my right nipple, I'm going to say, `Ouch.' If I pinch your right nipple, you're going to say, `Ouch.' A foul is a foul and a flagrant is a flagrant."

What's the spin: Perhaps Shaq is best suited to review "The Benchwarmers."

What happened: Charles Barkley will join Joe Dumars and Dominique Wilkins in the Basketball Hall of Fame's Class of 2006, to be inducted formally in September.

What's the spin: According to a story in the satirical newspaper, The Onion:

"TNT basketball analyst Charles Barkley took time during last night's broadcast of `Inside the NBA' to lash out at the Hall of Fame's selection committee for choosing to induct former Suns forward Charles Barkley.

"He only averaged 22 points, 11 rebounds and four assists for his career," Barkley said, shocking co-hosts Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith. "Anyone can do that. Hell, even I could do that.

"(He only got inducted) because of his personality. I like a funny guy, but I don't want to be part of a league where somebody gets into the Hall of Fame because he can crack a joke."

Perfect logic to us. If only that all really took place.

What happened: Jesse Jackson, last seen at a sporting event playing bodyguard for Terrell Owens, is now sticking up for Barry Bonds.

The reverend-without-a-cause revealed he was upset that there aren't stricter rules enforced against fans who throw things on the field during baseball games; in particular, why wasn't whoever tossed a toy syringe near the Giants' left fielder in a game at San Diego last week captured and handcuffed.

"That was a crime," said Jackson on one of those ESPN morning shows that few watch. "People have the right to boo or cheer, but they do not have the right to throw syringes out on the field."

Jackson also said one of the real issues here was Bonds was chasing Babe Ruth's mark of 714 home runs and implied there are racially motivated actions to watch.

"I remember when Hank Aaron was approaching 714 ... the hate mail and the threats. Aaron went through a season of real disgusting, threatening taunts. Major League Baseball fans must have some decorum."

What's the spin: Even Jackson can comprehend there's a bulging bicep of difference between taunting someone for alleged steroid use and taunting someone because of the color of his skin.

Didn't the Rev even laugh a little when he saw that video on "SportsCenter"?

What happened: Daredevil skateboarder Danny Way, a 30-year-old father of two from San Diego, dropped 28 feet from the neon guitar sign atop the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas and landed on a his board to set a Guinness Book of World Record mark for highest "bomb drop."

The previous record was 12feet, 3 1/2 inches by some guy in Norway two years ago.

"That was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life," said Way, who last year was the first to jump over the Great Wall of China.

What's the spin: Way? No way. Way.

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CAPTION(S):

4 photos, box

Photo:

(1) David Spade, left, Jon Heder, center, and Rob Schneider star in "The Benchwarmers."

Sony Pictures

(2) JOAKIM NOAH

(3) NOMAR GARCIAPARRA

(4) LENDALE WHITE

Box:

SUNDAY PUNCH

By Tom Hoffarth

- Bill Konigsberg, Associated Press