THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL : WHERE'S THE VOTE OF CONFIDENCE?

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Los Angeles ballot measures that somehow didn't make it in time for Tuesday's popularity contest:

Proposition C-The-Brick, Eat-It-Yourself: Strictly forbids professional athletes employed by organizations outside the city limits from appearing as co-hosts, guest hosts or quasi-permanent hosts on sports-talk radio shows broadcast within the city limits - a clear violation of the Interstate Commerce Act. Additionally, forbids an athlete from tarnishing the reputation of our city's postal workers by adopting an inappropriate nickname.

Proposition Y-Does-This-Have-To-Happen: Provides financial assistance to family-owned-and-operated sports teams. Economic impact: Put it this way - you want Fox to own the Dodgers and the Lakers and erase the only mystique left in L.A. sports? If Rupert Murdoch could buy USC and UCLA. . . .

Proposition R-You-Gonna-Shut-Up-And-Listen: Allows Judge Judy to arbitrate the NBA labor dispute during a 30-minute TV show from an L.A. television studio of her choice.

(For our money, Punchin' Judy would need just a minute and a half to hear the arguments, tell both sides to shut up, force David Stern to shave and make 'em split the difference before she sics the antitrust dogs on their sorry behinds.)

Proposition B-Afraid, Be-Very-Afraid: Prevents shady profiteers from representing Los Angeles citizens in the acquisition of a professional sports team or stadium. Especially those trying to dress up a toxic waste dump and pass it off as a slice of heaven.

Proposition U-Gotta-Be-Kidding: Prevents persons perceived to be working media from representing shady profiteers in the acquisition of a professional sports team or stadium. Especially those from the toxic waste dump of television and radio.

Michael Ovitz insists he's the one guy who can fix anything. So you gotta believe the fix is in. . . .

The difference between 32 teams and 34 is so minute that it's astounding the NFL's greed-mongers don't just give Houston a franchise and both Los Angeles groups a team, draw up two 17-team conferences, scrap interconference play and watch the TV cash roll in despite the cries of total oversaturation. . . .

FYI: 40 years ago today, the Rams beat the Chicago Bears 41-35 at the Coliseum before an NFL single-game attendance-record crowd of 90,833. . . .

The American judges' cards on Katarina Witt's 10-page spread in the December issue of Playboy that makes her look in some photos like a young Bo Derek: Off the scale, for artistic interpretation and for sheer beauty. . . .

Fledgling movie star Howie Long also made the new Playboy, fully clothed, as one of the 10 best-dressed men of the year. . . .

Incidentally, Mike Piazza made Playgirl's 10-sexiest-men-of-'98 list (and Howie didn't) - before signing the $92.7 million deal. . . .

Hugh Hefner is almost a full year older than Vin Scully. . . .

As Peter O'Malley grabs his coat and heads for the parking lot, it won't be long before Vinny is left to turn out the lights when he leaves. . . .

The new Nike ads featuring Samuel L. Jackson and Dyan Cannon are simply FAN-tastic. . . .

Last word on Karl Malone, the self-proclaimed ``progress in training'' on radio: Malone got his mailbag all tangled up on the air last week when questioned about why he's spending his time in L.A. ``If my wife is OK with what Karl Malone is doing, then to hell what people think about Karl Malone.'' Once again, that was Karl Malone talking about Karl Malone. . . .

Dennis Rodman claims ``oppression, fraud and/or malice'' in a suit against the WCW for the amount of dough he received after kicking sand on Malone in that ``Bash at the Beach'' pay-per-view fiasco in San Diego last June. Rodman left out a reimbursement for having to have his tights Martinized at the dry cleaners. . . .

A poll in the St. Paul Pioneer Press shows that Reform Party candidate and former pro rassler Jesse ``The Body'' Ventura (23 percent) isn't that far behind Democrat Hubert Humphrey III (34 percent) and Republican St. Paul mayor Norm Coleman (33 percent) in the state governor's race. . . .

Neither Humphrey nor Coleman should worry, since both were probably riveted to NBC's ``Exposed: Pro Wrestling's Greatest Secrets'' Sunday night.