THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL : WHAT'S MISSING FROM THIS PICTURE?

Congrats to the Almighty Ducks Mensa members for having the tenacity, the intestinal (which can sometimes be gastric) fortitude and the simple good sense to hire a high-profile, well-respected, NHL-tested assistant coach this week. Hail to Don Hay. . . .

Feel free to pick a head coach any time soon. . . .

Paging Gordon Bombay . . .

The story we hear told about new Dodgers lefty Dennis Reyes is that he met scout Mike Brito, who was the manager of a Mexican pro team that featured Reyes' father, Juan, as a first baseman. The 7-year-old Reyes told Brito that one day he was going to pitch for the Dodgers just like Fernando Valenzuela. Brito smiled and jokingly said: ``Sorry, I only sign left-handers.'' Reyes stopped throwing right-handed. Nine years later, Brito signed Reyes, a left-hander. . . .

The story we hear from Reyes' side goes more like this: He was playing catch with his uncle and his right clavicle became loose. He started throwing left-handed. His dad saw this and bought him a left-handed glove. When he tried to throw right-handed again, his dad wouldn't let him any more because he had heard lefties were a hot commodity in the U.S. . . .

And (in our best Paul Harvey voice) here's the rest of the story . . . Did Brito actually tell Reyes he only signed left-handers? Reyes said yes, he did. But the injury, and his dad, is what caused him to switch. . . .

Bottom line is, we'll believe whatever version Vinny tells us. . . .

Wait, there another ray of hope: Our early dark horse to become the next great baseball broadcaster in L.A. is. . . . naw, you wouldn't believe it. Remember Rick DeReyes dancing around the KABC Channel 7 accu-weather forecast map as he talked about the hail in Cedar Rapids that was the size of baseballs? Now it makes sense. DeReyes got out of the final year of his TV contract (taking a hefty pay cut) and refinanced his house so that, at age 40, he could be the radio broadcaster for the Single-A Lancaster JetHawks. His play-by-play experience? Zilch. ``I've always been crazy about baseball,'' said DeReyes, ``and this has been both harder and more fun than I could have ever imagined.'' He's also developed this sixth sense about the length of a JetHawks rain delay. . . .

The Angels can continue to live their Fantasyland existence, winning games in July with a suspect four-man rotation that'll be grabbing at their clavicles in September. So maybe the focus shouldn't be on wrangling Mark McGwire before the trading deadline. Maybe the team should be taking a more serious look at Curt Schilling (with Dave Hollins in charge of recruiting). Maybe . . . they should get their heads out of the clouds before it's too late. . . .

McGwire might be hotter than Sally Kellerman in ''Meatballs 3,`` but Oakland GM Sandy Alderson told the New York Times there's only a ``50-50'' chance that McGwire will be traded. To the Angels, who act like they just hit bankrupt on the ''Wheel of Fortune,`` ``50-50'' sound closer to meaning nega-tory . . . . .

Meanwhile, Troy Glaus has enrolled in UCLA's summer session that runs from Aug. 4 to Sept. 12, meaning the Angels' top draft choice and No. 3 pick overall has something to do while the team contemplates his athletic future . . . .

Circle Nov. 18 on the calendar. It's the day Arizona and Tampa Bay start picking over the Dodgers' and Angels' roster for the expansion draft . . .

Quick movie review: Travolta and Cage in Face/Off. Has nothing to do with hockey .. ..

How are we supposed to believe any sport in this country is in financial trouble when the daily interest on the National Debt is $650 million . . .

If New York Jets coach Bill Parcells upholds this new policy of keeping the news media restricted at team workouts - the New York media devours the Jets regularly, but now has been told not to call players or page them and only talk during their lunch hour - how are we supposed to know whenKeyshawn Johnson wants us to give him the damn microphone and get out of the way? . . .

A small piece of background on Sparks GM Rhonda Windham: Grew up in the Bronx, N.Y., was asked at the age of 13 to watch her little sister and two brothers when her mom went to work. She's a take-charge person. That she saw the need to fire coach Linda Sharp after just 11 games into the team's first season shouldn't come as a surprise. Windham puts the spark in the Sparks . . .

Todd Bridges plus Bozo the Clown minus intelligence equals Todd Bozeman.

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PHOTO ``Shut up and give me a pen'': It was 20 years ago when the movie ``Slap Shot'' tried to give Paul Newman a vehicle to show off his hockey-playing skills. Instead, it gave birth to the stick-swinging, cheap-shot-checking, bed-wetting, old-time-hockey Hanson Brothers. Not to be confused with those do-whop Hanson Brothers. Or those wacky tennis Jensen brothers. These three show up at autograph shows, act in beer commercials and promote their line of sports apparel. From left, we raise our sticks to Dave Hanson, Steve Carlson and Jeff Carlson for reprising their roles, all for the bewilderment of society. (And here's a piece of L.A. trivia: Steve Carlson, a center, played 52 games for the Kingsin 1979-80, racking up a disappointing 23 penalty minutes.)

Associated Press