THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL : UNOFFICIAL OFFICIOUS OFFICE GUIDE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

When you're using office time to cram office paper into the office Xerox machine today to make copies of your cute little NCAA Tournament bracket for the office pool, be sure not to collate in a copy of this cheat sheet.

Keep it for yourself.

This secret 12-step plan isn't just a fail-safe way to look good in front of co-workers in this usual blind-pick 'em contest, but you might even consider going for bigger stakes - like a side bet with the bossman:

Rule 1: Identify the beast.

This year it's as simple as taking a crayon, spelling ``Duke'' in the middle spot and working your way to the outer edge, careful not to color out of the lines.

The Dukies have the coach of the year, the team of the decade, the eye of the tiger . . . now we're sounding like Dorkie V. But consider they won the three ACC tournament games by an average of 25 points - and that Little Dance is a tougher tango than the Big Dance.

So if there's a tiebreaker where you gotta pick the final score, give Duke a 25-point ticker-tape victory.

Rule 2: Ride the celebrity.

Kentucky took off last year and the 'Cats will go to the final again this year, because of one simple factor.

Ashley Judd.

CBS doesn't want shots of Tubby Smith and Coach K ranting on the sidelines. They want Ms. Judd leaping from her seat, for St. Pete's sake.

Likewise, Stanford goes to the Final Four because of . . .

Chelsea Clinton.

Don't mess with Chels. You'd be surprised what strings her mom and the Secret Service can pull these days.

Rule 3: Go with your wife's alma mater.

So, Ohio State completes the Final Four coming out of the South. Plus, she's sweet on Scoonie Penn.

Rule 4: Don't trust UCLA.

They might be Terry Christman's pick to go all the way, but escaping past round two won't happen. We're not saying this team is too young, but Steve Lavin has already promised a field trip on March 20 to the opening of LegoLand.

Rule 5: The Michael Jordan rule.

Penn's point guard is named Michael Jordan. After Penn wins its first-round game, it'll probably play the other Michael Jordan's alma mater, North Carolina.

Stay with MJ. Penn is mightier than the sky-blue swarm.

Rule 6: Auburn is a football school. The top-seeded Tigers get tackled maybe between Knoxville and the opening of spring practice.

Rule 7: When the tournament has two teams from New Mexico, something's amiss.

Rule 8: Lamar Odom over Jason Terry. Rhode Island goes to the Midwest final, razing Arizona on the way.

Rule 9: Kent is simply Kentucky without the Ucky. After kneeling on Temple, it gets slap-happy against cross-state rival Cincinnati and tears those shirts off their backs.

Rule 10: Don't mess with pigs.

The UConn-Stanford rematch doesn't happen because Arkansas rears its ugly rear in the West regional. Then Stanford's farm experience comes in handy for a Razorback slaughter.

Rule 11: Always go opposite of what Harold Lederman says. It not only applies to his picks in the HBO boxing telecasts but to life in general.

Rule 12: Grab a handful of nice, colorful, pointy darts. Put the chart up on the wall. Heave the darts, all at once.

Got any other bright ideas?