THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL : THERE'S JUST ONE MINOR PROBLEM HERE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

If I were Mark O'Meara, I'd be on the horn today with all my legal advisers figuring out the best way to file some kind of age- discrimination lawsuit right about now.

It would definitely be a major lawsuit.

This year's Masters champ and newly crowned British Open winner could be jettin' over from England right now, touch down at Riviera by Thursday morning and go after his third major of '98 in what would be a pursuit of a grand slam.

'Cept it doesn't work that way.

Even though a majority of all pro golf tournaments these days seem to be called ``majors,'' O'Meara can't just go bouncing around from the PGA to the Senior PGA events collecting grand slam loving cups. The rule is, you gotta win four in your own weight division. Or in this case, it's O'Meara's wait division.

To play in this week's U.S. Senior Open, you've got to be 50 years old on or before Thursday, July 23. O'Meara is nine years short.

To play in last week's British Open, you could have been any age. You saw that 17-year-old breathing down O'Meara's neck Sunday. That hardly seems fair.

Meanwhile, Jack Nicklaus, who played recently in the U.S. Open and put on a run at the Masters, could have played last week at the British but passed, in part, because he committed to this week's U.S. Senior over at Palisades Park.

But if Nicklaus wanted to, he could, in fact, play in eight majors this year - 12 if he changed his name to Meg and figured a way to sneak in as a cross-dressing legend.

If golf is supposed to be a game in which the lowest score wins, well, maybe O'Meara has a case. Forty-one is closer to 50 than to 17, so what's the deal? Get Larry H. Parker to start some carbon-dating tests on the current senior group. . . .

Wanna play nonstop golf for 11 hours and help someone else out? The Cystic Fibrosis ``100 Holes for a Cure'' golf tournament is next Monday at Braemar Country Club. Entry fee is $500. For more information: [phone]. . . .

Dodgers pitcher Chan Ho Park says the last name of LPGA phenom and fellow South Korean Se Ri Pak is actually the same as his - and also pronounced Park. Somewhere in the immigration process, it must have been misspelled. . . .

Murdoch Stadium gift shops, by the way, stock the politically correct collection of team bobble-head dolls. In addition to what we'll call ``the traditional Caucasian,'' there is the African-American and, now, the Asian-American.

Check out the giant cloth mural of Ramon Martinez outside the field-level entrance on the third-base side (where Mike Piazza used to tower over everyone). There's a flap notched out on the thing for an air vent - right on Martinez's right shoulder. . . .

An Aflac trivia question waiting to happen: What Dodgers switch-hitting third baseman hit a homer in his game with the team in '98 and never hit another again. . . .

Without any more bean-pal giveaways, watch the trickle-down effect continue with less-than-sellout attendance figures. If the recent Dodgers-Giants series showed one thing, it's that wild-card races don't fit into our summer schedules. . . .

Tuesday's Atlanta-Chicago showdown: Greg Maddux vs. Kerry Wood. Unfortunately, the game won't be shown on WTBS or WGN.

Looks like we'll have Jerry West one more year, but then what office do we find him in at the Staples Center? . . .

Media writers in New York say Marv Albert's rehiring at Madison Square Garden network only exacerbates the process of him being the lead NBA play-by-play man for TNT this fall. If there is an NBA season, of course. . . .

Lee ``High-sticking'' Hamilton has yet to announce his candidacy for the Mighty Ducks play-by-play job even though the team just signed a multiyear deal with XTRA. . . .

Pat Riley has been yachting in the Mediterranean off the island of Sardinia with actor Michael Douglas, reports the newshounds at CNN's ``Showbiz Today.'' Maybe Douglas is doing research for an upcoming remake of ``The Life Of Riley''.