THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL : THE INSIDE SCOOP ON L.A. FOOTBALL.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

You didn't ask for it, but you've got it: A pro football team, Arena-style. Happy now?

Funny thing, it has no name. Chris Wasserman, the 24-year-old UCLA grad who broke open his piggy bank so he could call himself the owner, says he's up for suggestions.

'Course, we've got a few:

The Los Angeles Staples. After the building. The cheerleaders could be the Staples singers.

The Los Angeles Silver Spoons. After Wasserman's lineage. Ricky Schroeder can coach.

The one we're most partial to is a combo nickname: The Los Angeles Crash-n-Burn. After what'll happen attendance-wise after the first season when the only football-impaired fans who show are those who need an excuse to get liquored up and watch indoor helmet jousting.

This, by the way, is the perfect excuse for CSUN's undersized and strong-armed quarterback, Marcus Brady, to go hardship. . . .

Reason there's no Arena Football played at the soon-to-be ghost town in Inglewood: The Forum scoreboard hangs too low. Ever see a tennis match there? You'd know. . . .

Great Western says it'll gladly remain the Forum's corporate sponsor as long as the owners want to keep up those GW logos - reminding everyone about a bank that's been nonexistent for almost a year now. . . .

The new Staples Center is supposed to have a cigar room. Which has Rogie Vachon's name written all over it. . . .

First (and only) reason why college basketball is better than pro basketball: Because it's not pro basketball. . . .

The Clippers are exempt this week. Today, Elgin Baylor and his staff serve up Thanksgiving meals to homeless families at the Bread & Roses Cafe in Venice, which finishes up a food drive that the Clippers Foundation started last month. . . .

The new Sprite ads out this week feature Grant Hill mowing a lawn and Tim Duncan delivering newspapers on a bike. Both are making a lighthearted attempt to show how they're making ends meet during the lockout. Stop, my sides are splitting. . . .

While Michael Olowokandi packs his duffel bag for Turkey, the Michael Jordan Restaurant in Chicago started a ``lockout special'' - 12-ounce Buds for 23 cents. So go get drunk and celebrate no dunks. . . .

If there was a Derek Fisher Greasy Spoon and Coffeehouse, its ``dish of the day'' would be the waitress giving you her two cents' worth on the whole thing. . . .

Sales of a Chicago Bulls wives calendar would be Electrifying. . . .

Question of the week posted on CNN/SI's site wants to know how long Dennis Rodman's drunken-stupor marriage to Carmen Electra will last. ``One month'' (31 percent) and ``one year'' (29 percent) weren't that far apart in voting 23,000-plus fans.

``One week'' (26 percent) is already out of the running.

``Forever'' (11 percent) actually outlasted ``five years'' (2 percent).

Note: CNN/SI has a disclaimer that its poll is not scientific. . . .

Wouldn't Dick Pole, the Angels' new throwin' coach, love to have the Big Unit on his staff? . . .

Craziest thing aside from Mark McAndro receiving a seventh-place vote by one schlub in the NL MVP voting is Trevor Hoffman finished seventh overall - 14 places higher than Cy Young-winner Tom Glavine, who had just a single ninth-place vote.