THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL : RUPERT'S HOUSE NEEDS CLEANING.

Suggested title for the Dodgers' 1997 season highlight video: ``It takes a lot of talent to underachieve.'' . . .

Seems appropriate Eddie Murray, one of the greatest switch-hitters of all time, was able to throw a wrench into both the Angels and Dodgers season on his last stop en route to the Hall of Fame. The Dodgers should have changed Murray's number from 33 to 543. . . .

It was kind of a drag that, in his last at bat, Brett Butler didn't drag a bunt. . . .

Imagine Mike Piazza's numbers next season with Mo Vaughn hitting gehind him. And imagine Vaughn wearing No. 42 with Rachel Robinson's blessing. . .

Mr. Russell, Mr. Murdoch will see you in his office now. . . .

Reason No. 1,527 why Los Angelitists must not get caught up in the talk by city councilmen, land developers or Fox employees to bring an NFL team back to our city limits for the purported entertainment of the citizens who already live in the Entertainment Capital of the World:

L.A. was among the 85 percent of the country who watched the Chicago-Dallas gladiator match on the Fox afternoon telecast Sunday, described by the A-team of Pat Summerall and John Madden.

Meanwhile, somewhere near Alcatraz, the game between the Once-Upon-L.A. Rams and the Just-Visiting-L.A. Raiders, with announcers-in-training Kevin Harlan and Jerry Glanville, was force-fed to a whopping 4 percent of American homes. St. Louis was the only recognizable city on our atlas that saw it, but Fox's beam also shot to such exotic spots as Paducah, Ky.; Eureka, Calif. (Eureka, of course, is Latin for ``I have found it,'' but in this case is ``I have lost it''); Ottumwa, Iowa (home of MASH's Radar O'Reilly; Chico, Calif. (missing Harpo and Zeppo, Calif.); St. Joseph, Mo.; Joplin, Mo., and Springfield, Mo. (home of the Simpsons).

By some personal licensing fluke, the Oakland Whatzamacallit Stadium didn't sell out. Darn. That meant the locals were, ahem, silver and blacked out.

Beloved Great White North native and entertainer Alan Thicke - he's to Canada what Jerry Lewis is to France - told the Ottawa Sun recently he plans to do some work for the Kings this season. ``They want to increase their fan base and their celebrity base in the (L.A.) area and they think I can help them do that,'' said Thicke, currently hosting the syndicated ``Pictionary'' game show.

Lemme draw you a picture - Excuse me, Mr. Russell and Ms. Hahn, but could you slide over so Joanna Kerns and Kirk Cameron can scrunch in here?.

With her father's trial over, Denise Albert can return to the relative calm of her job. She's a story coordinator for `Inside Edition.''

You're a nerd who has spent 237 days a year for the last 30 years in hotel rooms and seen at least 1,000 $8.95 Spectravision adult movies. You're telling me you wouldn't go nuts and at least think about trying on women's clothing, if only to break the monotony? It's another reason why chick Hearn ought to think about getting out while he's ahead.

Hey, forget Marv Albert, said former UCLA star and current N.J. Nets bomber Don MacLean, who phoned into Jim Rome's radio show Friday. ``Everyone in the NBA hates Bill Walton,'' MacLean said. ``We're in the locker room and there's a game on the TV. All they have to do is show Walton once and everyone's all over him.''

Mike Fratello? No way. . . .

And, finally, enough already of the S&Marv Albert jokes, especially ones with references to a) receiving a pink slip, b) working in a three-man booth, c) NBC having been caught between a rock and a hairpiece, d) how all play-by-play men like to watch, e) his real name (Marvin Philip Aufrichtig), f) his real age (56) vs. what NBC reported it to be (54), g) offering to model WNBA jerseys, h) Dennis Rodman, i) allowing Dr. J to examine him, j) the overs and unders on when Heather Faulkiner will request a rain check on the nuptuals, or k) any reference to brothers Al, Steve or Fat, or l) I dunno, I lost track. He did wrong. NBC had a right to can him. He'll work again somewhere, someday. And his partner will be RuPaul Maguire. . . .

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Photo

Photo: Spot the Secret Service man yet?: Our guess, he's the one at the far right. The one who looks about 45, looking at everything else but the game. Either way, Chelsea Clinton got her first taste of the Stanford student section at Saturday's football game against Oregon. And the folks around here don't look too impressed.

Associated Press